Sora Must Die
by CalKJ
Summary: Sora picked a bad day for a sex-scandal. Thrust into the Realm of Darkness by a jealous Terra, Sora must conquer a butt-load of Disney villains to reclaim his freedom. Meanwhile, Riku's engines are started, meaning he's determined to out-scandal Sora, even if it means buying special pills from Cid. And Finally, Kairi's new boyfriend is a total schmuck. Let the crossover begin!
1. Help Wanted

**A/N: Anything that mentions the phrase "Squeenix" is a contraction of Square Enix. Oh, and the characters are self-aware. You'll see what I mean.**

 **Chapter 1: Help Wanted**

The crack of dawn totally exploded over the land of Squeenix-owned Lakefront Resort, pouring through the glass-slide door in front of the living room. Architects of Squeenix Headquarters love going all out for their generically named constructs (see: Lakefront Resort), imagining anything breathtaking like views of a lake, dock, and surrounding foliage. This particular lakefront house had Squeenix-certified realtors dominantly vouching for its wall-to-wall brilliance to enthusiasts of all things "I can easily have sex here." Not to mention that the enriching sunrays highlighted living room pieces from leather to hardwood, also revealing the ten or eleven hangovers scattered about. You could probably say it's eleven if you count Jiminy Cricket's punch drunk little bug ass on the couch. Speaking of that cricket…

"Ooh yeah…" He didn't know how he hooked up with this chick. He just knew the presence of cheeks grinding on him was a good sign. _"Oh, the fellas aren't gonna believe this!"_ Jiminy whisper-yelled, cracking his eyes open to see that it was not in fact a hot babe he was serving up humps to but actually a potato. "This is a potato."

Jiminy got up from his hangover and did his version of a leap off the couch cushion. Yawning and scratching wherever his cricket balls are located, Jiminy walked past his other passed-out party pals in search of Sora. He had humped a potato and needed to write this down, but he left his journal somewhere in Sora's hoodie. Walking down a pretty wide hallway, Jiminy's antennae picked up the vibration of Sora's familiar yawn a few doors down.

Sauntering right through the door, which was wide open, Jiminy saw the two most hungover guests of the party: Sora and Aqua passed out, assed-out naked over the sheets. Luckily Sora's coat was on the floor, so it didn't take long for Jiminy to take notes as well as pictures of all the evidence in that lofty room. Pocketing his journal, Jiminy left the scene with a little pep in his step, chanting, "Welp, this is still better than nothing!"

Sora woke up with his dick jammed between Aqua's butt cheeks, and even though it was a pretty strong hangover, Sora still found time to appreciate it. Seeing as how her back was to him with them both spread-eagle like two sweaty horndogs, Sora had a face full of blue hair to almost swallow and gag on. Jolting himself awake, Sora sat up and instinctively grabbed Aqua's tits to keep her from falling over because Sora is all about that safety.

"Whose dick is this…?" Aqua said that.

"I'll give you a hint," Sora said. "You went skinny-dipping with him last night."

Stretching her arms and legs, Aqua said, "We did way more than that." She tried dismounting but felt a resistance stop her. Eyeing an empty super glue tube on the floor, Aqua sighed in agitation. "Yeah. We did all kinds of shit."

Trying to shimmy himself out of her, Sora reported, "I think your ass is stuck on my dick."

"No, your dick is stuck in my ass!" Aqua retorted, rocking around not so gently.

"Hey, careful! You're gonna freakin' rip my whole bird off! Oh, and just a side note, my dick's doing like a hot dog thing in your butt cheeks so I'm technically not stuck on the _inside."_

"Don't even piss me off right now, Sora!" Aqua yelled, leaning back and looking Sora in the eyes.

"Maybe you wanna pipe down. I think the others are still—"

Suddenly, Quasimodo, yes freaking Quasimodo, walked in with a camera phone and instantly devoured the scenery, bellowing, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"

"Here…in the house," Sora finished, looking deflated.

Thankfully, Sora's junk was already covered up by Aqua, who was way more exposed than Sora. Covering her boobs and happy trail, the blue-haired spell caster screamed, "Quasi, you better turn around and WALK if you know what's good for ya!"

Purely focusing on snapping as many pictures as possible, Quasimodo kept stalling, "Wait, lemme get a video at least!"

Sora didn't actually care, but he still grumbled, "You'd better not be posting that shit—"

"Oh I'm _posting_ that shit!" Quasi declared.

After the hunchback paparazzi received enough footage and pillows thrown from Aqua, he darted back to the living space and screamed for all to hear, "SORA AND AQUA TOTALLY HOOKED UP!"

Back in the living room, Sam and Quorra from the Tron level of Dream Drop Distance groaned awake on the floor. Rubbing his zonked-out eyes, Sam gave his props, "Really? Good for that kid. Never knew he had it in him!"

"At least someone knows how to get laid," said Quorra, clearly not feeling like enough of a sex object.

The TWEWY guys were also at the party with Beat and Joshua achieving the reward for waking up in a completely non-homosexual position together. Psyche—they were sixty-nine'd on the coffee table. As for Shiki and Neku, they were just waking up on the pool table. (Basically, anyone halfway important in the 2.8 Collection were in attendance for this wild party, except for Riku and Kairi. And Donald and Goofy. And Pete. And Terra. And Ventus. Maleficent wasn't there either. However, Mickey and Minnie were totally there, peacefully napping in each other's arms on the love seat… _because they can handle their shit.)_

Back to Shiki and Neku, Shiki had dragged herself to a sitting position amid the billiard balls. Spitting out a cube of billiard chalk, she inquired, "Wait a minute, who'd you say hooked up with who?"

Parading around the lofty living area with cell phone footage in-hand, Quasimodo proudly repeated, "Sora. And Aqua. Were doing the nasty!"

Back in Sora's and Aqua's room, Aqua had jumped to her feet, also causing Sora to jump to his feet and hold her boobs for leverage (because he's all about safety like that). Determined to spread the truth, Aqua screamed, "Not true! We just went streaking!"

"Skinny-dipping," Sora corrected.

"Skinny-dipping!" Aqua corrected.

"Doesn't matter, had skins!" Quasimodo replied from the other room. "You're the MAN, Sora!"

As Shiki reviewed Quasi's generous catalog of Sora's and Aqua's nudes, a few things just weren't sitting right with her (and probably a lot of the readers who stumbled upon this page). Still perched on the pool table, she said, "This doesn't make sense. I'm way freakier and hotter than Aqua but Sora never once asked to see me naked. Also, isn't he madly involved with that Kairi chick? What's gotten into that Keybonehead?"

There were mumbles from down below.

"Whoa, who said that?" Something was making her crotch warm…

Peeling his hungover face from between Shiki's legs, Neku annunciated more clearly, "Clearly, he's got the hots for Aqua, now."

"Oh, what d'you know?" Shiki said, pushing Neku's head back into her vuh-jay-jay.

So Sora and Aqua had clearly enjoyed each other's company the previous night. The real question was just how far did they go? Shaking his head, Sora stated, "This is ground zero for a really fucked-up rumor."

Clearly reaching her breaking point, Aqua threatened the lad, "Keep talking and I'll shove you in deeper!"

"Tch…too bad I couldn't've been glued to your lips."

That earned a sharp elbow to the sides. "Shut up and walk us over to the bathroom!"

"Well, take a look at who's on who and lead the way, you giant cock-ornament!" Sora snapped, earning another elbow jab.

"Whatever. And you can let go of my boobs, now!"

Sora jerked his arms back, but the hands remained in place. "Oh no, I think something's wrong—"

"STOP SCREWING AROUND BEFORE I TEAR IT OFF YOU!"

Dropping both the charade and her tits, Sora devilishly smiled and said, "Worth it."

They tried running hot and cold water from the shower over their adhesive dilemma, adding soap and hot steam to catalyze the process but all that did was make them both too horny to function.

"Welp, my cock's hard." Sora stated this as _fact_.

"Quit saying that. You're making it harder." Having an idea, Aqua offered, "I got an idea. Just try humping!"

"Way ahead of you." Grabbing two handfuls of sopping wet hips, Sora donned a war-face before starting his engine. Sure, this task would come a lot easier if his ding-a-ling was simply _inside_ one of Aqua's holes, but Sora was determined to screw some space between the two somehow.

Planting her hands on the shower's glass wall for leverage, Aqua assumed the position and suddenly, the jewels slipped free, initiating the "clacking phase." This additional conflict of moving parts caused the heat of the moment to demand moaning and cries from either party, making their job that much more sexual if that's even freaking possible. Oh wait. Of course it can.

While ramming it out with acute precision (all in sixty frames a second), Sora felt progress being made as the underside of his manhood began peeling between each clack, slowly but surely edging for sweet freedom.

"C'mon, Sora—work those hips!" Aqua bellowed over their wet skin sounds.

Practically turning her firm arch into a set of handle bars, Sora made like a jack-hammer and further peeled himself away from his blue-haired cock-ornament. However, right when his tip was all that was stuck between Aqua's ass cushions, Sora totally climaxed and shot his jizz-juice all the way up to the back of Aqua's neck.

" _AAAGGHH!"_ Sora couldn't help himself.

"You didn't get any of your goddamn dick butter in my hair, did you?" Aqua questioned.

Sora flippantly replied, "Just relax, you're in a shower for fuck's sake. Also, kind of rude this whole time you still haven't complimented my dick's haircut."

"And waking up with your dick jammed up my ass isn't more than enough of a compliment for you?"

"Why did we go skinny-dipping again? Oh yeah, because we were talking about my dick's haircut and you wanted to see. Aaaand then you denied the design like I didn't shave it flawlessly. Remember that?"

Peering over her shoulder, Aqua had to admit, "I guess it does look like a crown. Oh, and the real reason is because you got me drunk and said 'get naked'."

Smirking, Sora gave his rationale, "Yeah that's my fault. I totally forgot to say please. You look hot from behind, by the way."

Turning to look him in the eye, Aqua mustered a smile and said, "Thanks. Now get you're huge rod out of me!"

"Aye-aye."

Sora took his hand and chopped his dick free. Quick and painless.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," Aqua stated, turning around to face Sora.

So now they were both naked in the shower, facing each other amid the mist.

Shrugging, Sora said, "Pleasure doing business with you. You have jizz on your back."

Out of nowhere, Aqua blurted with a look of disbelief, "How do you not wanna have sex with me?"

Baffled by her logic, Sora pointed out, "I technically just had sex on you. What's the difference?"

She crossed arms and started pouting. "Sora, are you gay?"

"Next question," Sora smoldered.

Grabbing her own wet-as-fuck tits, Aqua exclaimed, "How can you stand there with your dick out, seeing me with my ass, my boobs, my cooch—all in front of you—and still not try to go inside me?"

"You sound like you're running thin on patience," Sora observed. "How about you lay down and I trip and fall in instead?"

With a final look of contempt, Aqua reached for Sora's face and kissed him fervently, taking the young Keyblader by surprise. Sora's hands fell to her sculpted sides, once again embracing their current state of wet undress. Returning her kiss with more than enough vigor, Sora allowed Aqua's tongue to wrestle with his until both their bodies pressed firmly. Sora always knew Aqua was just an inch or two taller with heels on, but up close and personal really closed the distance. And even though he just came like a minute ago, he was already back in the goddamned zone…

Forcefully pushing his blue-haired sex-pal up against the shower wall, he picked her up under her thighs and pleasured her neck with vampire-approved sensuality. The huge ass shower head (it was huge, dude) poured directly over the two lovers, doing everything to lubricate the two-person machine right below.

Sora whispered with a heated, feral look, "Happy? You win."

Happy to have reached her goal of seducing the un-seducible, Aqua breathed in Sora's ear, "Guess, I changed your mind then."

Sora felt one of Aqua's legs wrap around his own. Freeing a hand, he guided his cocksure manhood around the base of Aqua's sweet walls, rubbing that with some affection. Daring to go deep inside, Sora said, "Yeah, you win all right."

Behold, shenanigans went down. A portal of darkness opened on the wall directly behind Aqua, plunging the two lovers into a black abyss.

"Sora, we're falling!" Aqua screamed in terror.

Shaking his head in apparent frustration, Sora muttered, "This has Kairi written all over it."

Some unseen force pulled Aqua from Sora's embrace, leaving only their hands clasped. Losing her grip, Aqua asked, "Sora—did we do something wrong?"

Again shaking his head, Sora casually replied, "I don't think I did. You, on the other hand, met me when I was a kid, so this kind of makes you a pedophile."

The rushing darkness around them finally succeeded in pulling the two apart. Falling in some unknown direction, Aqua shrieked, "Sora! Don't lose sight of the light!"

Falling into Kingdom Hearts knows what, Sora watched his naked comrade sink into the black distance. Somehow the Realm of Darkness had accepted them as new pledges, which means Sora and Aqua could end up literally anywhere in the Dark World. And now that they were separated, this could only spell grim times for the hangover-hookup.

While he was falling alone in the raw, Sora figured he might as well relax. Throwing his arms behind his head, he sighed and admitted, "Well, ah…I could use some help."

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** Fuckin' A dude, I need some help too! I really, really, really want to get in the habit of drawing up wicked awesome fan art, especially for some of the scenes I describe in my raunchy-ass stories, but I'm a crap artist, plain and simple. I will get more skilled with time, but for right now, I'm copying and pasting pictures into photoshop. So, yeah, the quality could use some improvement.

I firmly believe I'll become an expert after the acquisition of some kind of drawing tablet, because pencil and paper are like school bullies for me, fuck. Not just any tablet…one that draws on the screen itself, some real futuristic shit. Anyway, I'm gonna actually try to make some original fan art, and I'm super nit-picky, so this could take a while.

 **Chapter 2: Definitely Posting That Shit** comes after the fan art!


	2. Definitely Posting That Shit

**Chapter 2: Definitely Posting That Shit**

"Well, this is something new."

Kairi wasn't into exploring new worlds without proper precautions. "Gotta be prepared!" was certainly the modest girl's motto when it came to anything adventurous, which is why she insisted on Sora collecting those yellow coconuts in Kingdom Hearts One's prologue. Not because the yellow ones were ripest, but because she truly believed yellow was the color of preparedness. Remember that kid from the movie _Up?_ He was decked out in that rad yellow uniform because he was totally ready for the elements. I'd supply more examples but unfortunately they are all so stupid.

Anyway, back to Kairi. She was riding shotgun in—

Dick Tracey. Dick Tracey wore yellow. And he was prepared to take down criminals. Case and point.

So Kairi was riding shotgun in her new boyfriend's black sedan, enjoying the sights of a futuristic city sprawling with tall buildings and neon signs. Even though it was morning over at the Lakefront Resort, this world's time of day sat somewhere around midnight or later. Kairi found herself stuck staring at the distant moonlight, as her boyfriend had responded and even asked her something.

Snapping his fingers, Kairi's date tried getting her attention. "Yo, Kairi? Anybody there?"

She blinked a few times. "Huh? Oh, yeah, what were you saying, sweetie?"

Kairi's boyfriend retried his query, "I was saying, yeah this place used to be off-limits until Squeenix allowed only Shinra Employees to pass through. Do you know why it used to be off-limits?"

"Um, obviously not," Kairi said. She'd never even heard of this place, let alone been here before, so what the hell kinda question was that? "An even better question would be why you brought _me_ to such a place."

"Well, I was getting to that, Kairi…" Kairi's boyfriend started.

So let's discuss who this fellow is. He's rich enough to own a set of wheels. He's perpetually wearing a black suit like some secret service fucker. Plus sunglasses. Did I mention he's bald? If you didn't catch the Shinra hint from earlier, then let me spell it out for you. Kairi's brand new boyfriend was none other than—wait for it…

"Then tell me all about it, Rude," Kairi responded cheekily.

The smirking Turk explained, "Because there are a ton of worlds with untested energy sources, this world being one of them, Squeenix didn't want their citizens stumbling upon something dangerous." Rude had her attention, so he continued, "For example, this world is home to a living substance known as Eco. There's different kinds of it with all sorts of properties and effects on humans like ourselves."

"Sounds scary," Kairi chided. "Don't tell me we're about to go get high on Eco."

Laughing at her ridiculous suggestion, Rude countered, "No, actually I was thinking we'd compete in one of their combat racing events, you know, just to get the blood pumping."

"Sure—wait, what?!" Kairi was a princess in her videogame, and Rude was, well…a Turk in his. A bodyguard. A muscle-headed jock who enjoyed doing stuff like "combat racing." This sort of dispute was bound to happen between the two, and Kairi knew this all too well. However, she still believed she was more than prepared to handle these situations.

Pulling a small stick with a yellow flag attached to it, Kairi waved said flag and said, "Yellow flag, Rude, yellow flag!"

Apparently sick of seeing that thing, Rude retorted, "Again with the flags, Kairi? Why in the—"

"I use flags to communicate when something looks hazardous to my health or—excuse my French here—completely jacked up. I told you that already! And you're sitting there talking about combat racing like it's a walk in the park."

"Yeah, I get all that, but you're the one who said you wanted to do something exciting today. Don't ya remember saying that during breakfast when you yellow-flagged the grits?"

"That's because Ignis kept shooting me dirty looks from the kitchen. Guy's a part-time chef but full-time psycho for sure."

Shaking his head, Rude continued, "Anyway, I'd hope you would appreciate coming here. You know I'd get in heaps of trouble if the higher-ups found out about this."

"That's on you, Rude." Crossing her arms, Kairi muttered, "You're just lucky I didn't bring out the red flag."

Just then, the road they were traveling became heavily populated with other vehicles gunning past their sedan. These speeding cars all looked armed and deadly by comparison, not to mention they were definitely firing live ammunition at each other.

Gasping at the ensuing carnage, Kairi commanded, "Rude, get me out of here now!"

"We must be in the middle of their race!" Rude chortled excitedly.

"I'm not seeing a finish line! They're just shooting at each other!" Kairi reported, hoping this would sway Rude into making a responsible decision.

"Quick!" Rude said. "There's a gun inside that glove compartment! I'm gonna speed up so you can shoot potshots at those other drivers—!"

"You're insane!" Kairi shrieked.

"Get the gun, Kairi! It's not even on safety, so just SHOOT 'EM!"

Whipping out her fabled red flag, Kairi closed her eyes and prayed aloud, "Omigod, someone come save me!"

Suddenly, another combat driver tore past the couple's vehicle, firing purple homing missiles at one of the hooligans up ahead. Since their sedan's windows were fully lowered, Kairi and Rude both heard the missile-driver scream in pure elation, "WHOO-HOO! THIS IS HAVEN CITY, BABY!"

One of those other hooligans definitely became a target, exploding in fierce, fiery fashion. All that was left of the vehicle was a flaming chassis, and it barreled along the road in a trajectory that put Rude's car in imminent danger.

Swerving like his date depended on it, Rude yelled, "HANG ON!"

A piece of the burned vehicle clipped their sedan, causing them to spin out of control and flip over and over. Still though, Kairi only screamed a little before fainting amid the carnage, and that's really saying something.

After everything came to a skittering halt, Rude found himself upside down in the driver's seat. Breathing a sigh of relief, he quipped, "Thank God for seatbelts. Amirite, Kairi?" He didn't get a response. "Kairi? Geez, girl you gotta pay more attention to me."

Looking over at the passenger side, Rude saw Kairi also upside-down, except she was partly lying on the car's roof with her legs thrown overhead. This position exposed her panties.

Quickly snapping a picture on his cell phone, Rude stated, "Definitely posting that shit."

Dragging himself out of the overturned vehicle, Rude checked to see if his sunglasses were broken, and they were fine. Of course, he had a spare, but he just needed to know. Dusting himself off, Rude piped up again, "Also, it's a good thing I didn't bring the convertible, Kairi. Something just told me, 'Go with the sedan. It's more conservative.' And you're a conservative kind of girl. I really mean that."

Noticing she was still inside the sedan with her panties exposed, Rude sighed and said, "Guess I gotta do everything."

As he dragged his unconscious date from the overturned car, the driver who had fired the missiles and screamed something about "Haven City" pulled up next to them. The driver stepped out, whistling profoundly as he eyed the damage.

"Yeah, that might need a few repairs."

"Ya think," Rude retorted, finally freeing Kairi from the wreckage. Holding the unconscious princess bridal-style, he took his chance to see who this bloodthirsty driver was.

He was a blonde man with freakishly long ears, donning a blue jean jacket fit for a grease monkey. Sporting jeans of blue and yellow, this guy also had a thing for goggles, gun straps, and various armor pads scattered about his shoulders, knees, and elbows. All of this indicated to Rude that this guy shouldn't be messed with on or off the road.

"Name's Jak," the man introduced himself, arms crossed. "Who the hell are you?"

"I'm Rude and this is my date, Kairi," Rude answered.

Jak let out a single chuckle. "Rude? You mean that's your actual name? What a freak show…" Shrugging, Jak added, "I think she needs a medic."

Sheepishly glancing around the street for a taxi, Rude admitted, "Yeeeeeah, I was hoping I could get a ride to the hospital. She's probably gonna be pissed when she wakes."

"Hm? No, I was talking about your car. I know a few places that could repair it, but they'll charge you an arm and a leg."

Rude blinked behind his sunglasses. "Uh, okay. So are there any hospitals nearby?"

Shaking his head, Jak answered candidly, "Nope. Not for another five districts up north. And my car's a one seater, so I can't help ya."

"Yikes," Rude said. "Well, I do appreciate you stopping to check on us in the middle of a race."

Scoffing, Jak replied, "Race? Nah man, I was just getting groceries." He pointed at a brown paper bag on the driver's seat. "The people here are criminals inside and out. Although, to be fair, I was the one who attacked them first. Oh, well. You live and you learn."

Laughing awkwardly, Rude said, "Ahem, gotcha. So, I'm gonna walk this way, now."

Hopping back in his souped-up street racer, Jak bid his farewell before peeling off, "Happy travels, Rude."

Watching the long-eared man disappear in a trail of smoke, Rude needlessly commented, "And he's gone. Guess it's just you and me, Princess. Geez…I need to get laid pronto."

Pause: so you just saw Sora get seduced by an older woman in the previous chapter, and now this thing with Rude and Kairi is going down. You're probably thinking, "Why in the fuck don't these kids just date each other or people their own age for crying out loud? And what the fuck is wrong with the guy writing this shit?" Well, for one, Aqua preying on a slightly younger Sora is obviously a lot less frowned upon than what's going on here with Rude and Kairi. That's a double standard in every sense of the phrase, baby.

In defense of Rude, yes, Kairi is a girl who is technically a teenager, but it is widely known throughout Squeenix Headquarters that Sora, Riku, and Kairi all have remained the same age for over a decade now. Though their exterior selves show off a youthful appearance, on the inside, these three heroes aren't getting any younger. Also, this is a story where crickets hump potatoes, so I'd hope the shock value isn't still shocking people. Un-pause!

Rude pondered out loud, "I wonder if she'll wake up if I….You know what? We'll save that for another time."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Freakin' A, Sora, pick up your freakin' phone!" Riku muttered angrily. "Of course, I had to leave my Sandwich Shop gift card in your room and now you aren't answering your phone. God, it's like he hates me or something!"

Riku was standing in one of the white hallways of the Squeenix-owned Destiny Dormitory, pounding on the door to Sora's personal dorm room. Clearly frustrated with the lack of door movement, Riku appeared to be having a crisis.

After another call went to voicemail, Riku shrieked, "C'mon, Sora! The Sandwich Shop closes in fifteen minutes! Act like you don't want your best friend to starve! I'm begging ya, Sora!"

Around the hallway's corner came a certain optional ninja girl from Final Fantasy VII. Curious about the racket, she asked, "What's gotten into you, Riku?"

"I'll tell ya what's gotten into me! An ungodly amount of _hunger!"_ Breaking down to his knees, Riku held his empty stomach closely, fearing its imminent implosion. "Please, Yuffie! You gotta get Sora outta there!"

"Sora's not in his room!" Yuffie pointed out. "I'd think you of all people would know Sora and a few others threw a Two-Point-Eight party last night!"

"Two-Point-Eight? Oh shit, that's right—I _was_ in that game!" Riku pondered again, "That's still doesn't explain why he isn't answering his phone."

Shaking her head with a smirk, Yuffie looked as if she knew a dirty little secret. Doing her best to not spoil everything too quickly, she surmised, "You obviously don't follow Quasimodo on Kupo+."

Racking his brain, Riku guessed, "Quasimodo? That's the, uh…neckbeard guy from Tron's level, right?"

"No, dumbass, he's the hunchback of Notre Dame! Here, take a look at what he posted this morning…"

Yuffie held out her phone, and Riku's eyes went full-on dinner plates. Unable to comprehend the snapshot, Riku stammered, "Wha…him…and Aqua?"

"I know, right?" Yuffie echoed Riku's sentiment. "I didn't wanna believe it at first either, but there they are, butt-ass-naked on fuckin' Kupo+."

"But, I…! I…!" Riku clenched his fists. "But I wanted to screw Aqua first!"

Yuffie rolled her eyes. "I guess he beat'cha to it. Sheesh, it's like everyone's becoming a player these days. But I never would've thought Sora and Aqua…"

"Yeah, yeah, I still want my free sandwich," Riku regressed. "That horny sonuva bitch is laid up under a hot chick while I starve. He's gone mad, I tell you!"

Dismissing herself from the conversation, Yuffie shrugged and said, "Yeah, well, I'm sure you'll survive. See ya 'round!"

His stomach wasn't the only organ talking to him. Flipping over to that smooth edge, the hungry Keyblade Master suggested, "Wait up, Yuffs! How 'bout you and I create a social media scandal of our own?"

"How 'bout you bite me?" Yuffie barked back.

Riku agreed, "Sure thing! I'm totally into that!"

Realizing something, Riku smacked himself in the face. "Wow, I really am a dumbass." Summoning his Keyblade, he used the namesake ability of his weapon to magically gain entry into Sora's locked room. Spotting his Sandwich Shop gift card on the dresser, Riku shouted with glee, "SHIT-YEAH! Foot-long Italian sub, here I come!"

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** And let's not forget the zookeeper from Curious George. He wears yellow and deals with shenanigans on a daily flipping basis. Get at me.

Fan art of this story is SLOWLY rolling in, meaning I made one picture all by myself! Cuz I'm a big kid. Check it out on my deviant page! (Can you find it?)


	3. Sora Must Die

**Chapter 3: Sora Must Die**

Gravity, what a joke. Falling in darkness started out like, barely even remotely scary, like totally a fraction of scary, but then it had to turn into a slow-mo ordeal, as if Sora was sinking straight into a pool of gelatin. Honestly, he'd prefer that since his earlier shenanigans caused him to skip breakfast. So much for the most important meal of the day, screw it.

Sora continued to sink in nothingness until he felt his bare feet hit a flat surface. Briefly looking down, Sora guessed he was standing on an invisible floor. It didn't matter. All Sora wanted to know was…

"What's a guy gotta do to get some bottoms around here?" he asked no one in particular.

Gradually the black abyss changed into more familiar scenery: he saw countless crystal spires of purples and blues littering a cavernous ceiling, which hung over black boulders as well as hills of gray sand. The area he occupied was almost too large to take in, but Sora wasn't terribly interested in seeing the sights, anyway.

Walking forward, Sora scratched the back of his neck and bared indifference to his own dilemma, "Guess I'm in the nicer part of town."

Suddenly, a column of light descended in that certain part of "town" in front of Sora, revealing a floating pair of trousers, perfect for his size.

Noticing the pair belonged to his Kingdom Hearts III outfit, he snapped his fingers and said, "Nice work. Now what about the rest?"

Sora didn't waste any time back-flipping into his new pants, glad to have some protection for his balls against the darkness. And just when he began wondering where the pair had come from, a chilling voice resonated throughout the cavern.

"… _Sora…"_

Summoning his Keyblade, Sora replied to the familiar voice, "That'd be me. And you are?"

A crackling noise echoed from the ceiling, telling Sora to dodge to the side. There, he watched a cache of crystal spires shatter into the ground. Noticing the crystals had been melted off the ceiling, Sora already knew the identity of his would-be attacker.

"Heh," Sora started, "For once, can you just bring good news?"

A portal of super-dark darkness opened twenty feet in front of the Keyblader. A hooded man exited the swirling mess of murky pudding, dropping his hood to reveal one pissed-off Xemnas.

Slinging his Keyblade over the shoulder, Sora quipped, "Long time no see. You missed one crazy party last night…but I guess you were too busy."

The silver-haired super-villain eyed Sora with acidic yellow irises. In his slow drawl, Xemnas delivered three threatening words:

"You…must _die."_

With a single chuckle, Sora pointed out, "Look where we are. I'd say we're both dead already."

"You laugh in the face of your own demise," Xemnas began, talking slow as almighty fuck, "yet you do not realize the devil you've awakened!"

Still sensing Aqua's light somewhere in the Dark World, Sora jested, "Well technically, Aqua's the one who woke _me_ up, but go on."

Summoning both ethereal blades to his hands, Xemnas bellowed, "You slept with the wrong woman, Sora! That woman with the blue hair…she was special to me. And you knew of our connection, so you chose to tarnish it!"

Holding up a defensive hand, Sora frowned and stated, "I'm guessing this is about the 'misunderstanding' Quasi probably posted on Kupo+. Am I right?" Sora only received more of the same death stare, so he continued, "Take it from me, Final Boss Man. We didn't do anything but get drunk, go skinny-dipping, and play with a tube of super-glue. It's actually a funny, semi-kinky story—"

"The alcohol!" Xemnas interjected. "How did you obtain it being only fifteen years of age?"

"Dude, I was at a _party,"_ Sora answered, slowly meandering back and forth at a safe distance. "Quasimodo or Sam or somebody else must've brought extra bottles." That somebody else was Aqua.

"When the Squeenix authorities here of what you've done, you will not see the light of day until Kingdom Hearts III comes out!"

Furrowing his brow, Sora blurted out, "Wait a minute, rewind me—why do you care? If anyone should be pissed off, it's Terra."

Xemnas' anger intensified. _"Fool!_ Have you forgotten that I pretty much _am_ Terra?! The man who is also connected to Aqua?! What, are you too dense to see that? Consider these words Terra's very own: you have made a huge mistake."

"Well, thanks for the update." Sora stopped pacing around slowly and looked his accuser dead in the eyes. "So is this gonna turn into a death match? Or am I free to find a way outta this purgatory?"

Just then, another portal of darkness appeared next to Xemnas. Ansem, Seeker of Darkness (aka Terra-nort's Heartless) presented himself as the newcomer.

"We were thinking more like a 'Boss Rush'," Ansem responded brazenly. "Consider it an after-party, if you will."

Contradicting his (false) Nobody-traits, Xemnas began spilling his guts, "You and I were in the same boat, Sora. All that was needed was more development to the plot, and we could've had it all. Fame, power, the women of our dreams. But you sullied any chance of that with your impetuousness!"

Finally taking a serious tone, Sora pointed his Kingdom Key at Xemnas, stating, "I didn't put my junk inside Aqua! That's the truth."

Ansem interjected, "But you have lain with her. In the nude. That is more than enough to incriminate the both of you."

Sora glared, ready to start this fight already. "Whatever. Let's settle this."

Ansem again replied, "You said it yourself, Sora. We are not the ones who should be 'pissed off'."

Sora's Spidey senses were tingling. Something deadly was approaching him from behind, and it was coming fast. Channeling all his energy into an evasive back-flip, Sora watched in midair as a spinning Keyblade passed beneath him. The trouble was, he recognized that Keyblade. It was Ends of the Earth.

Landing with a dumbfounded look, Sora could only say, "Ah, shit."

Before the Keyblade could hit Xemnas or Ansem, it dissipated and returned to the user's hand. Sora turned around and tried his best to sound good-natured, "Just the man I was looking for! And here I was, telling these two buzzkills about a crazy party…"

Draped in shadow, the mysterious Keyblader sauntered closer to the trio, walking within inches of Sora's shirtless form.

"Sora…" Terra started, breathing all hard like a predator. Then, all of a sudden, "What you did was totally insensitive. I know you and I aren't the best of friends, and I know my boss fight is cheap as hell in Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix, but I still feel a little betrayed, here. And yeah, I heard you say you two were just being naked and stuff, but just imagine if I was the one naked with Kairi. How would that make you feel?"

"Uh…" Sora quickly caught his breath. "Well, first off, thanks for nearly killing me with a Strike Raid earlier. Second, I honestly don't know how I'd feel if you woke up naked with Kairi and got that shit all over social media like my situation. If you haven't noticed, Kairi and I hardly speak anymore. She's with another guy right now, and I'll admit, when I first heard about that, I was a little on edge. Like those two clowns behind me."

"Dick," Ansem spat.

Sora went on, "Kairi…she used to mean so much to me. I do miss her, but now that she's convinced herself she's all grown up, waving yellow flags at people, I guess we've just grown apart over the years. And…about Aqua. I think she really misses you, too. That's the only reason I can think of for why she tried hooking up with me so hard last night. And this morning, too. Sheesh, she was horny…"

Terra was in deep thought. Scratching his chin, he simply uttered, "Hm."

"And listen," Sora added. "If I said anything that offended you earlier, trust me, I was just trying to egg on Ansem and Xemnas. You know I respect you way more than that, Terra-Dactyl."

"Thanks, Bro-ra," Terra replied. Smiling, he observed, "Isn't life confusing? One minute you're preparing for Kingdom Hearts III, the next you're stabbing Sora with a Keyblade."

"I know right—er, what?"

With no time to react, Sora was treated to an immense amount of pain as Ends of the Earth (that's a huge freakin' Keyblade, by the way) was plunged directly into Sora's abdomen. Now, in Sora's time, he hadn't been stabbed directly by a ton of Keyblades. Sure, he's taken some nicks and scratches here and there, but never truly stabbed by one (save the one time in Kingdom Hearts One, but that was barely leaving the tip in). Swirling particles of light began spilling from the point of entry and exit wound, indicating death was around the corner for Sora.

"Yikes," said Sora, limiting all movement.

Dialing his tone into more angry territory, Terra shrieked, "Just because your girl is out dating a Turk doesn't mean you get to see mine naked!"

Suddenly, a girl's voice called from a hill behind them, "And since when am I _your_ girl, again?"

Sighing, Terra was clearly unprepared for this turn of events. He cursed lowly, _"Fuckin'…dammit."_

"Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" chanted Ansem, finding some excitement in the female Keyblader's reentrance.

Twiddling his thumbs, Xemnas darted his eyes to every part of the dark cavern except Aqua's position. He mumbled, "Oh, my. She's still…without attire."

"And I'm pretty freakin' cold here, too!" Aqua announced, holding a clenched fist in one hand and boobs in the other. "You let Sora go, Terra!"

"Have it your way," Terra conceded, ripping his weapon from Sora's body. As Sora fell to the ground in a heap, Terra gave his scathing proposal, "The both of you can freeze here for all I care!"

With a look of regret, Aqua found difficulty in admitting to the vengeful men down below, "Terra, I was just trying to hurt you, and I know that was wrong. But this is exactly what I wanted to happen! I've never once heard you say that I'm your girlfriend, and it took a scandal like this one to finally pull that out of you! So can we please just forget this ever happened?"

Slinging his Keyblade over the shoulder like a macho man, Terra faced away and declined, "No can do, baby doll. I'm off to go get even by screwing some other slut-bucket. Adios, baby-back- _bitch."_

Playing the devil's advocate, Ansem suggested, "You should take Kairi's virginity. I hear Rude is too much of a wuss to do it himself, anyway."

Terra retorted, "That girl ain't a virgin."

Ansem shrugged. "Born again? Still, you should do it."

Xemnas opened a dark portal, prompting their departure. "We must go."

Following his darker counterparts into the portal, Terra bid his farewell, "Good luck finding a way out."

Aqua skipped down the hill, but was unable to catch up to the closing portal. Coming to Sora's aid, she knelt beside him and asked, "How are you holding up?"

Feeling more light particles gush out of him, he strove to crack a joke here, "Well, at least my hangover's gone. Mind throwing a healing spell my way?"

Touching his wound, Aqua noted, "This looks bad, Sora. Like, cutscene-bad. I might not be able to heal it properly."

"I figured this would happen," Standing to his feet, Sora brushed it off as if he wasn't mortally wounded. "No worries. Now let's find a way outta here."

"Have you forgotten where we are?" Aqua asked hopelessly. "Once you're trapped in the Realm of Darkness there's no escape without outside help. We're just gonna have to wait for Terra to get over himself and rescue us."

Scoffing, Sora accurately inferred, "You heard the man. He said he was out to get a revenge lay. And since this is Terra we're talking about, that could take an eternity. And don't forget, time moves all screwy here in the Zone of Dankness. It could take him two seconds to get laid but a million years to return here. Face it, we were on our own the moment we fell in their trap."

"No…" Shaking her head in denial, Aqua told herself, "Terra would never leave us for dead!"

"Look at the facts," said Sora. "He left you here naked and freezing after stabbing me with a Keyblade. Guy's a loose cannon." Seeing he'd demoralized the still-nude Keyblade Master, Sora stressed, "We'd better move forward and hope for the best, hearts being our guiding key and all."

"Right…" Aqua whispered, following Sora's lead.

Relenting a bit, Sora still had an ace up his sleeve. "Looking on the bright side, we still have a way out." During the brief time he'd acquired his new pants, Sora felt a familiar jingling in his pockets. That meant whoever retrieved his pants had obviously forgotten to remove their last hope of escape. Whipping out his Gummi Ship keys, Sora smirked and said, "I sure hope parking's free."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Reno, quit stalling already! Now can you help me out or what?" Rude was practically begging at this point.

"Sheesh, Rude, you know you owe me big time for this!" Reno replied from the other line. "Tell me, does Kairi need a phoenix down, or is she, like, cutscene-unconscious?"

"Definitely cutscene-unconscious," Rude answered, glancing back at his almost-dead date. She lay unconscious on the streets of Haven City, well within view of the citizens passing by. Noticing Kairi stir a bit, Rude reported, "She's also still alive, so give me credit for that at least."

"You're lucky Sora and Riku don't come kick your ass, Rude-dude!" Reno stated. "Hell, I might just kick your ass for the hell of it. You know that girl's like a sister to me, and I'm not just saying that because we both have red hair!"

"I wouldn't trust this with anyone else but you, Re-bro," Rude coaxed. "Now promise me you won't tip anyone off!"

Sighing loudly, Reno agreed, "I won't make a peep. Now hang tight 'til I get there."

"You rock," Rude concluded, hanging up his cellular device. Looking back at Kairi, he muttered irritably, "All you had to do was take the gun and start shooting. What kinda girl doesn't like playing with guns?" Still carrying his one-on-none conversation, Rude continued, "Heck, I'll admit even I don't prefer using guns. I'm a fisticuffs kinda guy myself, but still. Hopefully you're conscious enough to practice shooting a pistol when Reno gets here."

Just then, Vaan from Final Fantasy XII passed by. Hanging out in his usual relaxed attire and demeanor, he commented, "Man this place is dead as f— _huh?"_

Looking up but not recognizing the sky pirate, Rude barked, "Get lost, nothin' to see here."

"Not from where I'm standing," Vaan said, seeing up Kairi's dress. "Don't you think you should get her somewhere safe?"

Rude shooed, "Listen, shirt-vest, I've got things handled. Now beat it."

Sighing, Vaan scratched his neck and observed, "You're not from around here, are you? In fact, I know you aren't. You've got five seconds to tell me why Princess Kairi is possibly roofied on the street, and also why you're just waiting around for something wicked to happen."

"You got the wrong idea, pal!" Rude pointed out commandingly. "She and I just had a little mishap—one that wrecked my second favorite car and almost shattered my sunglasses. I have a backup pair, but still, I care about the ones I'm wearing, too. And tell me how you know who she is!"

" _Hello!"_ Vaan chimed. "I live at Square Enix HQ like you do! I'm the main, humble protagonist from Final Fantasy XII, you dolt!"

"Twelve? Didn't they skip that one?" Rude questioned.

There was an awkward pause.

"Okay, now I'm definitely handling this!" Vaan declared, puffing out his chest.

"Oh, no you don't!" Rude defied, standing between Kairi and the approaching Dalmascan.

A street brawl broke out—Rude throwing the first punch. Vaan must've taken boxing classes because he dodged that shit like the new Assassin's Creed game. Retaliating with a bob and a left hook, Vaan grinned as his first attack made contact with Rude's jaw.

"Damn, that sounded like it hurt!" Vaan taunted, though a little too soon.

Quickly recovering, Rude jumped and landed an overhead kick into Vaan's midsection, sending the youngster skidding into the ground.

Now it was Rude's turn to taunt. "Next time, mind your own business."

No sooner after Rude said that had Vaan majestically flipped back to his feet. He replied, "Unconscious hot chicks _are_ my business!"

Lowering his defense briefly, Rude interrogated, "What are you, some kind of sex-pervert?"

No skin off Vaan's nose. "For that babe, I could be!"

"Oh, you're going down!"

Rude and Vaan locked arms like a couple of angry wrestlers. Quickly taking the upper hand in strength, Rude rocked his opponent to the side before tossing him into a parked car. That's when he ran up on Vaan again, also standing him up for a heavy punch aimed at the head; Vaan was once again too fast for that nonsense. He swayed leftward, allowing Rude's hand to dent the car before dropkicking the Turk in the chest, knocking him down to the pavement.

Meanwhile, two onlookers, long-eared citizens of that world, casually commentated over the fight, "I think the bald one's some kinda secret service agent."

The other guy added, "The dude who looks like a chick is definitely the better fighter. You think they're fighting over that girl on the ground?"

Nodding, the first guy said, "Gotta be. Hey, I can totally see up her dress, by the way."

"Me too," guy-number-two affirmed. "Also, how come their ears are so tiny and rounded?"

Shaking his head, the first guy guessed, "They must be freaks from another dimension or some crap. C'mon, we should go get camera phones so we can post stuff like this on social media."

"Smart man."

Back to the fight, Vaan had taken the upper hand after Rude had fallen, raining countless blows over the man's sunglasses, which didn't break. Growling in frustration, Vaan forcefully removed the accessory and attempted breaking them by hand. Damn things wouldn't budge, so he threw them to the ground and tried stamping them out.

Still not broken.

"Screw it, he's already beat!" Vaan shouted. Indeed, Rude was defeated, groaning in agony while Vaan dashed over to Kairi.

Lifting her up fireman-style, Vaan began making his escape back to the _Galbana._ "Don't worry, Princess! I'm getting your gorgeous ass outta here!" Whiffing her perfume, Vaan muttered, "Damn, that's pleasant."


	4. Sora's Rage's Awakening

**A/N: Riku swears like a sailor.**

 **Chapter 4: Sora's Rage's Awakening**

Kissing all five digits, Riku gave his compliments to the sandwich specialist down at the Sandwich Shop. We're talking pepperoni, salami, banana peppers, a keen slab of honey mustard…

"That's it, I'm calling it—the rest of my free points are going directly to oral orgasms at least once a day, especially after Sora held my Sandwich card hostage," Riku declared, grinning skyward as he exited the Sandwich Shop.

Strutting down the paved pathway of Squeenix's luxurious promenade, Riku soaked in the sunrays and tried not to think about Sora plowing Aqua first from the front, then from the side, flipping it over to doggie-style, and finally finishing within—

Just then, a call from Tidus alerted Riku's phone.

Tapping the green prompt, Riku was subject to the following, "Dude, dude, dude—please tell me ya saw what's got Kupo+ going absolutely apeshit right now!"

" _Yeah, you bet I did!"_ Riku practically screeched into his phone. "That little weasel actually got himself laid—again!"

Tidus' voice revealed an unbridled amount of enthusiasm mixed with pride for his old island pal, nearly breaking into tears over the phone, "Dude…Aqua's tits resembled the most well-deserved, hard-fought-for trophies in Sora's hands—and they'd both say 'MVP'!"

"Tell me about," Riku replied, putting Tidus on speaker mode so he could freely pull up the spicy pic once more. "Honestly, I haven't been able to stop looking at it all morning, like, not even during my sandwich time."

"Speaking of that, do you still have free points on your sandwich card?" Tidus asked out of the blue.

Eyes darting from side to side, Riku flat out lied, "Nah, man. I'm all out."

"Fuck you! I know you're lying just 'cuz you don't want to share, you selfish prick!"

"Fuck off and get your own points, you leeching fuckin' leech!" Riku spat. Getting back to the larger matter, Riku affirmed, "Anyway, we definitely gotta corner this hound dog Sora and get the full story. This shit is out-fucking-rageous."

"Shyeah, you're telling me" Tidus agreed. "Honestly, I'm happy for the guy, but who knows what Terra's gonna think."

"Tch. I know for a fact Sora isn't worried about jack-shit. Especially if he woke up with Aqua's magic tits in his face. Ah, man…good thing I've got a few slut-buckets lined up today otherwise I'd implode from all this jealousy."

"Riku, you sorry ass man-whore. Unlike you, I'm already halfway—er, two thirds of the way through my first lay-of-the-day right now!"

Brushing off Tidus' power move, Riku laughed and deduced, "Well, give Yuna a wink and a butt squeeze for me. I think we both know that's how she likes it."

Riku heard a girl's acute moaning on the other end.

Tidus returned with stammering, "Uh…krshhh…I think I'm breaking up krshhh…must be a krshhh…bad connection or something."

Riku rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Get a new phone, will ya?"

"Sure thing, dickweed. After this, I'm off to go screw one of your bimbos anyway."

"Not if she's already sucking my—"

Suddenly, a red Gummi Ship emerged from the nearby parking garage's interior, booming like thunder from the entrance. Soaring across the promenade, the Gummi Ship knocked over a trash can and lamppost before tearing into the sky, leaving behind twin trails of smoke.

Riku had been standing at a safe distance but was still close enough to see that the Gummi Ship was unmanned.

"Okay, so that was weird," the silver-haired Keyblader started.

"The fuck happened? You get killed?" Tidus asked.

"No, dumbass. One of the Gummi Ships just took off all on its own. And…and I think it belonged to Sora!" Riku snapped his fingers. "Yeah, it had to be Sora's! I don't know anyone else besides me and him who's got that remote control setup in their ships. And it for damn sure wasn't my ride. Mine's baby blue, _baby!"_

Tidus took the opportunity to heckle his friend, "Well, good fuckin' work detective. Maybe you should follow his ship to see where it goes?"

"Pfft, yeah right!" Riku jested. "Guy's probably tryna show off for Aqua. You know he likes to go all out for his own bucket o' slut-chicks."

Fake sniffling over the phone, Tidus said, "Aw man, our little Sora's all grown up, plowing hot chicks and taking 'em out for joyrides. So uh, do you think Kairi's available?"

Shaking his head, Riku said, "Nah, she's with Rude. I'd pull that one in my sleep, but that'd be overkill at this point."

"Hah! You're a fuckin' troll, dude."

"Sticks and stones. Now hang up before ya bust a nut too quickly."

* * *

 **-X-**

Now that all that's out the way, let's continue with Sora's stent in the Realm of Darkness. The young Keyblade Master (sort-of) was pacing back and forth in the same cavernous area, every now and then checking the radar affixed to his set of car keys.

Noticing the two blips inching closer by the minute, Sora said, "So here's the good news: my ship's on the way."

"And the bad?" Aqua asked, seated on a rock.

"Nothing bad, really. Except it's going to take about an hour."

Cheering up, Aqua said, "Hey, that's better than nothing."

"Hm." This wasn't making any sense. There they were, waiting in the Realm of Darkness, a hope of escape on its way, and Aqua was still nowhere in sight. Assuredly, Sora never let go of searching for her presence, which approached slowly by the minute, but he couldn't shake the feeling Aqua should have arrived already. But still, they had an hour, and that's more than enough leisure time to solve the current issue at hand. Confused? Stay tuned.

"So I was thinking—"

"Well, this is fucked up," Sora suddenly cut Aqua off. "I hope Aqua's not running into too much trouble without me. You don't think she got lost, do you?" He looked back at Aqua while asking this weird ass question.

"Uh…are you on anything, Sora?" Aqua asked, eyes bugging out in a way that turned her face slightly purple.

"Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" Sora pointed his Keyblade at the unarmed girl.

"Wh-what—?"

"One hour? As if! Knowing her, she'd take a whole hour and a half just to actually get here. Something about this told me I'd be driving her around like a chauffeur. Just my luck…"

Aqua, still sitting with her legs crossed, looked paranoid in all directions as some of her blue strands turned white. "Sora, what the hell are you prattling about? I'm right here!"

"Well, here's to hoping they were serious about that boss rush." Concluding his outburst with the usual savagery, Sora aimed Kingdom Key and fired swiftly, "Light."

Instantaneously, a beam of light exploded forth, piercing the creature formerly known as Aqua. With a sickening scream, it showed its true form before Sora, morphing into the portly and purple sea witch from that mermaid movie which spawned a level in the third game totally dedicated to pressing "X" while the characters sang for you. Fuck, that level was annoying but at least you didn't actually have to struggle with underwater combat like in the first game. Hallelujah.

Anyway, Sora kept his distance while the sea witch grimaced at her demise. Watching her dissolve into darkness or whatever, Sora casually spun his Keyblade like a basketball on his fingertip.

"But how?!" it shrieked, tentacles flailing about.

"You might've forgotten, but Aqua's a warrior of _light,"_ Sora stated, "which I didn't sense coming from you in the slightest. Also," fanning his nose, he quipped, "that stench is _pretty_ _insulting_ to the disguise."

Eyes glaring red, Ursula shrieked, "Why you—!"

Another light beam shot from Kingdom Key, landing directly in the sea witch's forehead. This time, the creature reacted with total combustion to the projectile, no longer an obstacle in Sora's path.

Slinging his Keyblade over his shoulder, Sora paused briefly to look godlike with his glowing-white Keyblade-scar. Where's a photographer when you need one? Grunting, he called out, "You'd better watch yourself, Aqua! Things are getting REAL ugly over here on my end!"

Way over in some other part of Dark Narnia, Aqua was still trudging along, covered in evidence of a previous scuffle with Heartless. Sweating, breathing heavily, and still naked as all fuck, Aqua remarked to herself, "I forgot…these Heartless have the home court advantage. I gotta stay on my toes or else I'm done for."

Looking towards the dark, distant horizon, Aqua mused, "Please don't be dead, Sora."

* * *

 **-X-**

Kairi stirred awake, eyes opening in slow motion. She didn't quite know her location just yet, but so far, it was nothing short of amazing. As far as her arms could reach she felt what had to be the material of Chocobo orgasms. She eyed silky red pillows, deducing they were made of satin or some other soft crap that felt like heaven to her lazy ass.

The room she awoke in was lofty with various artworks and wall ornaments, complementing the Victorian era furniture scattered about. Wide windows to the outside world poured in sunlight, a stark contrast to the dark metro that had seen her fall unconscious…

"Holy shit, where am I?" Kairi exclaimed. Shooting up out of bed, which she noticed was heart-shaped and sporting rose petals, Kairi ventured towards one of the windows to find clouds among skies of deep blue without a single piece of land in sight.

"Oh shit, am I dead?" Kairi asked. She searched her pockets before whipping out the yellow flag once more, surmising these kinds of items would be contraband in the afterlife. Creeping over to the room's only closed door, Kairi propped her head against it and listened to the sound of civilization coming from the other side.

With a twist of the knob, Kairi emerged from the room into a bustling, square-shaped courtyard of some sort. What tied the scene together was the spectacular glass hull overhead. It fully encompassed the area while offering a million-dollar view of the bright blue skies. About the size of a football field, the courtyard contained sizable walk-in shops affixed to all four corners. Kairi scanned the area and noticed her room (with the heart-shaped bed) was situated between two of those shops.

"What in the world is this place?" Kairi asked, walking toward the center. The center of the courtyard was home to a water fountain structure built amid a glass floor. Strolling past the edifice, Kairi whistled casually and tried to resist the urge to go shopping. That's when her money pouch began growling within her pocket.

"Must not spend cash, must not spend cash…" Kairi chanted to soothe her rabid purse-monster.

"Hey you!" one of the normal people shouted, approaching the out-of-place redhead.

Turning to face the young man in sky-pirate's clothing, Kairi figured she looked a mess. She did just wake up from a nap caused by a car accident thanks to her dumbass boyfriend, afterall. "Um, yeah what's up?"

Approaching with an overly aggressive tone, the young man addressed her, "You're Kairi or something, right?"

Crossing her arms, she countered, "Yeah, and you are?"

Actually cracking a smile, the man commented, "Now, that's a first! Not a lot of people ask who I am. I…" Pausing for dramatic effect should only be done by certain people. "…Am called Tomaj."

Getting more creeped out by the second, Kairi said, "Okeydokey, Tomaj. Where am I?"

"You, my insightful friend, are aboard the sky-ship known as _Galbana!"_ Tomaj answered with a grin.

"Girl-banana?"

"Close enough!" Tomaj explained, "You see, our pilot Vaan found you unconscious in that backwater world with all the elf people. He figured you were in serious trouble and brought you up here with the rest of the crew."

Breathing a sigh of relief, Kairi said, "Thank God for Vaan. Guess that means I owe him one."

Gesturing toward the courtyard's north catwalk, Tomaj replied, "Follow me. You can thank him personally."

Feeling uncomfortable, Kairi asked, "Ah shit, I don't have to give him a lap dance or anything like that, do I?

"Um…no. Unless you want to."

Shrugging, Kairi replied, "I'll pass."

Heading for the _Galbana's_ bridge with the princess in tow, Tomaj also brought up, "Yeah, and about that heart-shaped bed—"

"Yeah seriously, what the _fuck?_ I woke up feeling like an over-priced prostitute."

"Sorry about that, uh…That's where Vaan and a few others take their, ahem, guests during a long voyage and whatnot—but don't worry, I washed the sheets right before you were placed there!"

Speaking logically, Kairi stated, "Well one, I don't even believe you washed your own ass, let alone the bed, and two, I'm already picturing you screwing some nasty gutter tramp right where I just had my face. Ugh, I think I had my mouth open, too."

Feeling a little insulted, Tomaj said, "On second thought, I think a lap dance might be in order. Just FYI."

They reached the bridge, home to a bunch of generic-looking machinery and a cockpit up front. Entering said cockpit, Kairi and Tomaj were greeted by the back of Vaan's head as he freely piloted the controls.

"Vaan, the maan!" Tomaj addressed his pilot. "I have a guest for ya!"

Spinning around one-eighty degrees with a box of condoms in his lap, Vaan saw Kairi and immediately looked disappointed. Glaring at Tomaj, he scolded him, "Dude, I thought you meant something else when you said 'guest'!"

Kairi crossed her arms impatiently. Meanwhile, Tomaj responded, "But Vaan, I figured you'd wanna make sure she was okay. You did rescue her after all."

"Yeah, yeah, you're right," Vaan said, throwing his box of condoms into a nearby cabinet. "Anyway, what's new, Kairi-doo?"

Clearing her throat, Kairi cordially told the sky-pirate, "Well, I just wanted to thank you for rescuing me from that bad situation you found me in. I get the feeling Rude wasn't too pleased with you taking his date away."

Crossing his arms in a cocky manner, Vaan said, "Oh, the bald guy? Yeah, he thought he had things handled, but I showed him the right way to treat a beautiful lady."

"Well, he was kind of an idiot for street racing with bloodthirsty hooligans. Speaking of Rude, what happened to him?"

"Had to kick his ass, he was asking for it," Vaan waved off. "Meaning I ditched him in that backwater city."

That seemed harsh to Kairi. "Geez, Vaan. Did you really have to do that?"

"Look, he's a Turk. Turks watch out for each other, so clearly he's got backup coming. And if I'm not mistaken, isn't it against Squeenix's rules for underage cast members to venture this far away from home?"

Busted, Kairi glowered away and retorted, "Do you hafta ask?"

"Don't worry, Princess K-to-the-Razy, your secret's safe with me!"

Suddenly, Tomaj shrieked, "Aw, dude! What are you doing? We could've got a free lap dance!"

Shaking her head, Kairi remarked, "You need to go hit up a strip club big time, pal."

Standing to his feet, Vaan changed the subject, "How's about I show you around the _Galbana?_ There's tons to see and do aboard this beauty!"

Taking her shrug as a yes, Vaan ushered the princess back to the ship's bridge and gestured toward Tomaj's Notice Board on the left. "Here's where Tomaj writes down all of his homosexual feelings about me and the crew—"

 _BANG!_

The entire sky-ship shook from some sort of heavy impact, throwing almost everyone off balance.

" _Fuckin' shit!"_ Vaan swore. "I forgot to put the ship on autopilot!"

Kairi, still woozy from her nap, lost her footing and fell her ass overboard. "AAAAAAH!"

"Oh, that's not good," Tomaj uttered.

Vaan insisted, "It's okay! The glass hull should catch her!"

Both men peeked over the edge of the bridge to find a Kairi-shaped hole in the glass hull, all but solidifying newfound peril for the girl.

"Welp, she's dead," Vaan stated.

"Jesus, how much does she weigh?" Tomaj questioned.

"She's about as light as she looks, so we're definitely talkin' featherweight," Vaan explained. "But I'm guessing it was her tough-girl persona that shattered the glass."

"That's what we're telling the cops, right?"

* * *

 **A/N:** Yeah, that fan art is coming slow...but still coming. Stay tuned!


	5. Sora of War

**Chapter 5: Sora of War**

Kairi is a girl. Therefore, she screams like one.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH—FUCK!"

Weird. The sky was blue a second ago. Now it's all like outer space and stuff. And for whatever reason, Kairi's body was plummeting towards a world with an enormous capital yellow "C" on the surface.

"AAAAAAAH! FUCKING SAVE ME, SORA!"

As Kairi got closer to the "C" world, far less outer space bullshit accompanied her surroundings. Her deep dive had taken her inside the mysterious world's atmosphere, now realizing that the "C" was indeed a massive, manmade metropolis.

"AAAH—well, actually this isn't all that bad," Kairi admitted in the breeze, spreading her limbs far and wide. Pulling out her phone, she tapped the Kupo+ icon and started recording a video of herself. "Hello world! My name's Kairi and I'm about to fall straight to my death, so all those yaoi fangirls who hate my guts can get the last laugh. Oh, except I'm the one who's laughing 'cuz this shit is tons—and I mean TONS—of fun."

Panning her camera phone to the "C" world's surface, Kairi added, "Also, if anyone wants to save me from becoming a cute mess on this world's surface, just follow the sound of my voice—AAAAAAAAH!"

Ending the video, Kairi took the opportunity to casually scroll through her account's feed. Stopping on Olette's Kupo+ upload (or Kupload), which was a selfie, Kairi gushed aloud, "Omigod, I want your eyes, Olette. Sexy bitch…"

It was when she hit Quasimodo's upload that she almost dropped her phone. Choking her device with both hands, she let out the mother of all gasps that left her breathless at such a dangerously high altitude.

Sora's hands.

Aqua's boobs.

The nakedness.

" _I'm gonna kill you, Sora!"_ Kairi said these words without thinking. And yes, she sounded like a psychopath.

No way. She couldn't die here. She had to kill Sora first, and there was only one way to get through this. All along, she _knew_ it would come to this. The "C" world now completely took over her field of view.

Quickly, she stripped off all of her clothing, starting with her pink dress, then the white lace beneath it, and finally, she unhooked her bra and yanked that sucker with all her might. With all three articles of clothing in her sweaty grasp, Kairi expertly tied the ends of her dress and white lace together, tightening the knots with her teeth. Finally, she used her bra as a makeshift hand grip, also fixing those ends to the previous articles of clothing.

After totally MacGyver'ing a makeshift hang glider, Kairi threw her knees to her boobs and prayed like heaven went deaf, "Please God, let me survive this and I swear to You I'll—I'll stop dry-humping my life-sized poster of Phoenix Wright! Effective immediately!"

A gust of wind caught Kairi's hang glider, remarkably slowing her descent to a speed less terrifying.

Laughing like a lunatic, Kairi shrieked, "IT WORKED! I can't _believe it!_ Oh, and I totally meant I'd hump my Phoenix Wright poster _less often,_ so…"

The "C" world was barely recognizable now. Approaching the inner edge of the giant letter-shaped metropolis, Kairi took note of a certain line of demarcation that separated the nicer part of town into a straight up wasteland. Every part of the world outside of the giant letter "C" might as well have been slums and flat, dry land, while the interior of the letter looked more like any other ordinary metro area, filled to the brim with skyscrapers, spaghetti-like highways, and oh so much noise. What separated these two distinct districts was an impressive wall of steel shaped like a "C" in its entirety. It was all so massive…

Kairi's barely-legal freefall-turned-extreme sport gave her very little control over her trajectory. Fruitlessly trying to steer away from a lone, single dumpster in the wasteland area, Kairi braced herself and accepted her fate.

 _KRASH!_

Peeling herself out of the trash pile, Kairi hung her top half over the dumpster's edge, heaving out unsteady breaths.

"Hm, let's see…I just used my freshest outfit to hang glide into a dumpster. Anyone with a telescope probably caught my happy trail. I'm definitely in trouble with the Squeenix big-wigs. And…crap, I think I ripped my panties."

Removing her naked ass from the garbage receptacle, Kairi looked around to see a wasteland devoid of civilization, a stark contrast to the lively _Galbana_. Everything appeared to be dipped in gray paint. She could see old shacks in the distance, and the only thing resembling a building nearest her position was a brooding, smoking factory ten stories high.

Hanging her clothes over her shoulder in a businesslike manner, Kairi peered up at the massive factory not fifty yards away. Upon its visage, Kairi could make out a curious label in all black letters:

"CAPCOM N.P.C. PLANT"

Kairi sighed. "This is gonna be a long day."

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora checked his radar. Thirty more minutes.

He spoke up, "Heh. Good thing I let Riku convince me to buy this thing." Picking up a familiar radiance once again, Sora affirmed to himself, "Yeah, looks like she's getting closer."

"I fancy you like talking by your lonesome, Spiky Boy…"

Still wielding his Keyblade, Sora fancied turning around to slowly face the source of the villainous voice. Just who he thought it was. With a stiff look, the Keyblader only grunted back, "Hmph."

"It's only natural to lose your muse in a place like this," said the rotten bag of bugs. "Or a guy like me might come along and steal what little hope you have left."

Sora smirked. "Oogie, Oogie, Oogie, can't you see? Not a single bug of yours can touch me. And I just love your nasty ways. Guess that's why I'm clean and you're in pain."

Just then a bolt of lightning struck Oogie Boogie, followed by Sora giving himself a round of applause.

"Oh, man! Even Donald would be proud of that one!" Sora mused. "Also, shout out to Yen Sid for coming up with that lyric before me."

Steaming like a potato, Oogie growled, "Grrrr—enough of your insolence! I'll make sure to chop you into little pieces before I eat your flesh!"

Jamming his Keyblade in the dirt, Sora threw his hands up defensively and initiated some sarcasm, "Whoa, take it easy! Judging by your gut, I could totally mess up your diet!"

Charging forward aggressively, Oogie lost all traces of cool, _"Die, you little ruuuuunt!"_

Oogie must have been training in Dissidia (or Dragon Ball Z?) because he left the ground while dashing forward fearlessly. Ripping his sword out the dead earth, Sora perfectly timed an upward slash that posed as an uppercut to Oogie's face.

Landing on his generous backside, Oogie cursed, "Bastard…"

Sora shrugged. "Don't you have a Ku Klux Klan meeting to attend? Just beat it, will ya?"

Calling out randomly, Oogie shouted, "Come on out, Jafar! This one's being stubborn!"

Mastering the weapon-over-the-shoulder pose, Sora put on his game face. "Heh. Don't you know I'm the jealous type?"

The ground shook. Sora could already feel steam.

Imitating his favorite active volcano, Jafar the oversized red genie erupted from the ground with a lovely amount of molten rock for dramatic flair. If Sora hadn't utilized his High Jump, he probably would've had a "hot coal" experience under his bare feet. But then again…

"Where?!" Genie Jafar hissed like a menace. "Where is the street rat who shall perish today in darkness?"

From somewhere above him, Jafar could hear the faintest sound a boy saying, "Hot…hot…hot!"

Oogie pointed one of his cone hands at Genie Jafar's topknot. "There! He's standing on your massive, numb skull!"

"Huh?!" Genie Jafar uttered like animated sucker, eyes peering upward.

Standing on top of the big red genie's head was good ole Sora. Well, more like bouncing around on his feet like a lunatic. Judging by the look on Sora's face, the skin off Genie Jafar's cranium must've been particularly hot to the touch.

"Geez, Jafar! Haven't you ever heard of sunscreen?" Sora ripped.

Growling, Jafar slapped a hand over his head to squash the boy, but said boy deftly jumped between his spindly red fingers and landed safely on the ground.

Dusting off his trousers, Sora threw in one more jest, "Thanks a lot. My feet are gonna be peeling for weeks!"

"Filthy street rat!" Jafar exploded. "You will not be so smug after I show you the fires of Hell!"

Sora crossed his arms as both Oogie and Jafar approached him, still being his "smug" self. Kingdom Key was getting awfully cozy in his hand. Time for a royal rumble…

Oogie broke at a full sprint, passing Jafar and belly flopping on the ground. Using his inertia, the bag of bags initiated a wicked slide across the dead earth, barreling straight for Sora, who sighed because he was already used to this tactic from lower-level Fat Bodies.

Once again using that just-timing, Sora gave a pretty hefty batter's swing that sent Oogie hurling in Jafar's direction. The enraged genie swatted the insect-sack out of the way, cursing, "Oogie, you damned fool! Stay out of my way!"

Lightly jogging for Jafar, Sora quipped, "I see you specialize in teamwork!"

Genie Jafar launched a fireball in response. Sora totally hopped over that shit like it was Kermit the Debt Collector and replied with an ice spell to the right eye. Jafar braced and melted through it like 'twas a hot twinkie, throwing a right hook with some ill intent. Thanks to Sora's training, he learned a new move called the Air Dash, meaning he dashed…in the air.

Too fast for Jafar's fisticuffs, Sora threw an upward kick straight to his furrowed brow, earning an opening to start a slick air combo on Jafar's scrunched up face. After five clean strikes, Sora allowed his momentum to carry him to the ground behind his big red target of an enemy.

Relaxing his stance, Sora taunted, "Street rats got moves."

It was death from above; from seemingly nowhere, Oogie Boogie returned to the fight via aerial drop over Sora's position. Reacting fast, Sora raised his Keyblade to catch the deadly attack, completely nullifying Oogie's movement.

Laughing like a predator, Oogie uttered, "Heheh… _I'm gonna getcha!"_

Meanwhile, Jafar decided it was macho time. Digging his claws into the earth, he lifted a sizable piece of rock, spotting Sora and Oogie and hurling it without a second's hesitation. "Take this!"

Practically shoving Oogie towards the rock, Sora took a wide back step and watched Oogie's body explode into millions of insects underneath the falling rock. The last thing Sora heard was a splat followed by muffled gurgling noises.

Neither Sora nor Jafar were fazed. Sora did the shoulder-Keyblade thing again and simply said, "Anyway, let's rock."

* * *

 **-X-**

Kairi felt the wind blow a kiss on her butt. The hole in her panties was diagonal, revealing both cheeks reddened from her rough landing. Sighing, she loosed the rest of her hang glider and reassembled her outfit in broad daylight, though skies were extremely murky from where she stood.

Pulling out her phone, she reasoned with herself, "I guess I should call the devs, let 'em know I'm stranded on Capcom's world."

She had a second thought.

"No way. I can't do that. They'll put me on restriction for months…Yikes, but then again they've probably already seen my Kupost. Nice going, popular girl." Shaking her head, she changed her mind a final time, "You know what? Screw it. I saved my ass once. I can do it again."

She adjusted her bra and pressed on.

"I'm guessing I should start with asking around for directions. Maybe I could find a taxi that travels through space…? Wait a minute—duh! I'll just call B'uber!"

Checking her money pouch, Kairi fist-pumped at seeing sufficient funds. For a lousy day, things were finally looking up.

Tapping the B'uber icon on her smart phone, Kairi inserted the appropriate information and hit the "Go" button. Breathing a sigh of relief, she said, "Good. They're only forty-five minutes away."

Leaning back against the dumpster, Kairi stared up at the factory and told herself, "Just stand here like a good girl, don't bother anyone, and we'll be home safe and sound."

Like clockwork, Kairi heard the sound of people approaching from the other side of the dumpster. Going into shut-up-and-listen-mode, Kairi faintly heard the voices of two men arguing.

The first voice sounded strangely metallic. "You cannot blame Jean Grey for being interested in other men. It's a part of human nature—"

"Oh, screw that! She's messing with my emotions! I know it, she knows it—at this point, it's overkill." This voice was normal and notably prim.

"No, it's overblown. That's what it is. And you're the one over-blowing it. How do you feel being the one who blows things?"

Kairi remarked under her breath, "Wow, they speak so…proper."

"See? This is why I don't share things with you."

"Oh, don't get all sensitive! I'm just using humor to diffuse the tension. Now, remind me why I'm dragging this grotesque oaf around with you in the first place?"

"Are you asking for the sake of exposition, because you really don't know, or because you're a dick?"

"Yes."

"Hm. We're going to break him into that factory, let him loose, and watch the chaos. Because _I'm_ a dick."

The other guy laughed. "Hahaha! And that's why we're still pals, eh Max?"

"Don't call me that in public. Only Jean can call me that."

"Whatever, Max-y Pad."

The voices were close enough to walk past Kairi. Staying as silent as her breathing allowed, Kairi watched two colorful men pass on her right side. One wore a green cape while the other wore mostly red with a purple cape. Both their heads were covered by a hood and helmet, respectively, making it hard to find distinct facial features from the angle she stood.

However what snatched her attention away was the seven-foot-tall creature in the floating bubble of energy trailing behind these two guys. Kairi was guessing they were holding it hostage judging by the way it continuously struggled to break free.

"Don't get involved, Kairi," she whisper-ordered to herself. "Just be invisible…"

"The hell is that girl doing over there?" Dr. Doom, the guy in the green cape said while turning around to observe Kairi.

Magneto, the guy in the purple cape, turned around too. "My, my, she looks extremely out of place."

"Do you think she needs help?" Doom asked earnestly in his metallic voice.

"Only if she's a mutant," Magneto replied.

"Oh what are you gonna do, quiz the girl?" Doom retorted.

"Precisely," Magneto stated. Getting the attention of Kairi, who truly believed God would grant her invisibility in that moment alone, Magneto called over to her, "You there! Hey you!"

"Oh, tits," Kairi muttered, sinking closer to the dumpster.

"Yes, we see you!" Doom affirmed to the squirming girl. "You can stop feigning invisibility!"

"What do you want?" Kairi asked, losing her wits.

Pointing an accusing finger, Magneto asked, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Eyes the size of dinner plates, Kairi could only respond with, "…The fuck?"

Magneto shuddered, "Ugh. It's human. Any mutant would've answered with raw power by now."

"Pity," Doom added.

Deeply offended, Kairi puffed out her toughest set of tits and yelled back, "Hey! Where do you get off insulting my genetics?!"

"You've wandered far from preschool, little girl," Magneto jested. "Why don't you run along before you catch detention?"

"Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you tell me what you're doing with that poor creature who clearly doesn't want to hang out with you two creep-ohs?"

Dr. Doom chimed, "At-tit-tude."

"Mind your tongue, human scum," Magneto commanded. "You're lucky we don't demonstrate our powers on your frail ass."

"Oh, yeah—you know what?" Kairi was getting into that vigilante type of mood again. Reaching for a random object in the dumpster, Kairi grabbed a bottle and chucked it at the brooding pair; the bottle made direct contact with Magneto's helmeted head, shattering on impact. She whooped, "Score!"

Magneto winced, first throwing a dirty look at Kairi and then at Dr. Doom, who giggled uncontrollably. The man with the green cape admitted, "Okay, now I'm starting to like her."

"Dolt," Magneto cursed, "why didn't you zap that bottle with your laser?"

"You could've done the exact same thing, you lazy piece of _idiot,"_ Doom retorted. "Next time just say 'please'."

Magneto growled, "That's it. I'm not buying smoothies later."

"Oh, come on—don't be like that! I was joking!" Doom recanted.

Magneto rolled his eyes. "Whatever, you ass—"

 _THUD._

The creature once bound by an energy bubble was now set free, standing on its own two feet at an impressive height of over seven feet. As for the state of the creature, Kairi could only assume it was one of Dr. Finkelstein's experiments. Because that thing's face was like an art project gone wrong.

Realizing the creature was no longer sustained within his energy bubble, Magneto swore, "Damn it all to hell, Victor! You've thrown off my concentration!"

"I think you rather enjoy blaming your issues on other people, Max," Victor observed. "Why are you so cagey? Why can't you accept the human side of your mutant personality?"

"I survived the holocaust. Please fuck yourself."

"Here we go again with that song and dance…"

Meanwhile, Kairi slowly approached the trio, going for the big silent lug…who held a massive rocket launcher. Ignoring its scary weapon, grotesque appearance, and smell, Kairi walked right past the arguing men and stepped in front of what strongly resembled the Boogieman.

Claiming to see the good in this creature, Kairi softly greeted it, "Hi, big fella! I bet you're glad to be free! My name's Kairi. What's yours?"

It stood tall in all black, lowering its one-eyed gaze and baring its lipless pearly whites at Kairi, who trembled like hell but stood her ground. With a hair-raising growl, the creature spoke one word:

"Stars…"

Recognizing something intelligible, Kairi smiled and said, "Stars? What a cool name, Stars!" Thinking of something harmless, Kairi pulled out her lucky charm and showed her new friend the star-shaped trinket. "See? I've got a star, just like your name!"

Then the guy totally got triggered. Snarling like he had rabies, the creature shouted, "STARS!"

Back with Doom and Magneto's argument, the metal-bending mutant finally relented, "I don't know, sometimes. One day, I'm plotting the triumph for all mutant-kind. The next, I'm simply vandalizing an N.P.C. factory."

Snapping his metal fingers, Doom recalled, "Oh, yes. Speaking of which, whatever happened to that plan?"

Suddenly, Kairi screamed, "OKAY, that's uncalled for!"

The creature, whose name is not "Stars" but rather "Nemesis," had hurled a dripping wet tentacle from its wrist in Kairi's direction, daring to make this story ten times more fucked up than it already is.

The appropriately disturbed princess leapt backward, barely avoiding the sickly appendage. Attempting to reason with the creature, Kairi coaxed, "Hey, Stars? That's kind of creeping me out, so can ya—OH GOD!"

Kairi dropped to her butt to avoid a horde of tentacles swiping for her neck. Meanwhile, Dr. Doom offered some clarity to her situation, "Actually, its name is Nemesis. And it rather hates 'stars.'Aaaand it wants to kill you now."

Cheerfully, Magneto added, "It seems to think you're a star, little girl!"

Nemesis approached Kairi in a slow, thunderous gait, causing the frightened princess to scurry backwards along the dirt. Her crab-walk was cut short due to a collision with Magneto's boot. Never taking her eyes off the rocket launcher-wielding monster, Kairi scrambled to her feet and stated, "But _I am_ a Superstar!"

"STARS!" Nemesis bellowed, taking aim with the rocket launcher.

Dr. Doom shrugged and said, "Sucks for you, darling."

Darting past Magneto and Doom, Kairi tore off in the city's direction while her stalker pulled the trigger. Hearing the sound of rocket propulsion, a panicking Kairi let out a yelp before hitting the dirt. The explosive soared right over her body, flying all the way into the city's steel border where it exploded on impact.

"Why rockets…?" Kairi whined, unsure of what to do next. And then behold, a hole in the steel border revealed itself to Kairi. Hearing the footsteps get louder with each _thunk_ , Kairi wasted no time sprinting over to the giant wall, climbing up to the opening, and leaping through the hole.

"Stars…" Nemesis repeated, starting a wonderful journey that involved terrorizing Kairi.

Magneto said, "Anyway, we can go halfsies on smoothies if you want."

Dr. Doom cheered, "Ah, I knew you wouldn't stay mad at me!"

"Hm, so it seems. But don't expect me to pay for M&M's this time."

"That's okay, I brought my own."

* * *

 **-X-**

Jafar had started his Desperation Move, telekinetically chucking boulders at Sora five at a time. Deranged from a lack of success, Genie Jafar bellowed, "Why won't you DIE?!"

Running straight for the horde of rock projectiles, Sora jumped and quick-slashed everything in sight, returning to the ground with a running start to throw his Keyblade in a Strike Raid.

The spinning weapon nicked Jafar's cheek, drawing blood. Re-summoning his Kingdom Key, Sora jumped once more and dropped the hammer with a downward slash intended for Jafar's face. With barely any time to react, Jafar crossed his forearms to block the attack, staving off most of Sora's might.

Landing on the ground again, Sora utilized one of his best techniques yet: the taunt. "C'mon, Jafar. Are you even trying anymore?"

"With every boast you hasten your demise at my hands, boy!" Jafar retorted, panting heavily.

"If my demise is falling asleep, then point taken," Sora quipped.

"Grrr…AAAAAH! TAKE THIS!" Jafar started raining Genie-sized punches.

Pretending like he was playing a deadly game of Whack-a-Mole, Sora swung and deflected each eager fist, keeping up with Jafar's nonsensical fighting tactics. With a final mighty swing, Sora slashed Jafar's hand so hard he wound up literally shattering the giant foe's right arm; breaking away like glass, Jafar's entire limb disintegrated into red smoke, leaving him clutching a smoking stump in agony.

Appearing to be on the brink of tears, Jafar sputtered, "You…you…you're a devil! You carry a Keyblade, but you do the work of demons!"

Cue the Keyblade on the shoulder. "It's all relative."

The next thing Jafar knew, a beam of light pierced his skull, putting him down for good via explosion.

Sora checked his radar. "Ten minutes to go."

The air around Sora became colder. Then, a familiar and totally villainous voice said from behind Sora:

"Now, pardon my interruption, but I really gotta say that that was completely unfair of ole Big Red to call you a devil like that. I mean, where does he get off being the judge of somebody's humanity? That's actually my job, for Athens' sake!"

Sora sighed. "Somehow I knew I wouldn't be getting a breather." Turning around, Sora spotted the flame-headed deity standing an unusually safe distance away. He asked, "Will I be treated to a fight with you as well?"

Throwing up his spindly hands defensively, the God of the Underworld stated candidly, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm just here to give you your props, kiddo! Of course, I have been watching your plight through total darkness, and so far, I've found myself impressed and even a little frightened by all this violence, hence the reason I'm standing waaay over here."

"You? Frightened? Get real," Sora dismissed.

Dropping the act, Hades chuckled and said, "Okay, so obviously I'm polishing a few figs here, but I really mean it when I say I do NOT want to mess with you, Spike. At least not now, but hey I'm not one to make matters worse for people."

Waiting patiently for the catch, Sora paused and asked, "And…?"

"And nothing. I'll be out of your hair."

"Hmph. And what about the giant three-headed dog you're about to summon?"

"Nope. I'm only here to bother you with my single head. Wow…that came out wrong."

Sora didn't let his guard down.

"Anyway, I'll see ya around kid. Remember, I'm just a scream and a holler away."

Hades took his leave via godly teleportation.

Alone again, Sora rolled his eyes. "Just what I need. Some paranoia to keep me company."

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** Oh, man. I just can't wait to drop the fan art on my deviant page. Since I'm making it in a comic book style, I might just end up dropping twenty-two or so pages at once. As of right now, I've finished a comic page detailing Sora and Aqua's ordeal in the shower, as well as some of Sora's conversation with Xemnas. And believe me, I can't wait to start the illustrations for the next chapter, **Kairi's Secret Place**! Stay tuned!


	6. Kairi's Secret Place

**A/N:** You are not ready for this chapter.

 **Chapter 6: Kairi's Secret Place**

Shivering, Aqua pressed on in the Mordor of Darkness, following the strong presence of light that guided her heart. Her previous skirmishes with the Heartless mobs left her with scratches and scrapes that covered most of her uncovered form. As much as she wanted to break down and fall unconscious, she knew she couldn't afford to waste time or be idle in this place. If it wasn't the Heartless, then surely the cold weather would claim her life. And just then, a cold wind blew. Aqua stopped momentarily, glancing behind her. Nothing.

"I'm becoming paranoid…" Aqua muttered, continuing her trek.

Meanwhile, Hades was hiding behind one of the many rock spires littering the open cavernous area, scribbling a doodle on a sketch pad. Peeking at Aqua's naked body, Hades added a little more detail to his drawing, getting her boobs and derriere just right.

Gazing proudly at his drawing, Hades commented, "Ah…she's a work of art."

* * *

 **-X-**

Kairi face-planted on soft green grass, a result of being too eager to climb through the hole. She made it on the inside of the city she saw from outer space, and already she could see the stark contrast between the wasteland and this sprawling, new area.

Kneeling on the grass, Kairi gawked at the beauty of stretching plains of farmland before her. What's more, in the distance past the plains she could make out tall buildings and highways as far as the eye could see; this place was just too unreal for her.

"Oh, thank God!" Kairi blurted out. "I better keep moving!"

The sound of chirping birds was a nice change of pace. Approaching the distant metropolis, Kairi was met with a rural market area, bustling with shopping pedestrians walking to and fro. She figured she still looked slightly beat-up but not too out of place for this crowd of friendly N.P.C.'s (that's Non-Playable Characters.)

Remembering something, Kairi took out her cellular phone and said, "Oh yeah, that's right! I have to tell my B'uber driver to find me inside the city, not outside."

Tapping the icon, Kairi called her driver, speaking with him directly. A husky male voice greeted her, "Hi, this is Murray speaking!"

"Hello, Murray. I'm Kairi, the girl who requested you. Can you meet me at a slightly different location?"

"Sure thing!" Murray replied cheerily. "Just upload your location to your B'uber app's GPS navigator, and I should find you without issue."

"Thanks, Murray! I'll be waiting!" Kairi concluded the call. Exploring the B'uber app's settings, she managed to find the right option and ping her location for Murray.

Walking through the market, Kairi let her gaze fall upon the distant city, secretly wishing she had time for a road trip. Shaking her head, she told herself, "No thanks. Let's just worry about not getting smeared by a Nemesis, or whatever it's called."

She felt a thumping on the ground behind her.

With a squeak, she turned to face a meandering T-Rex casually walking down the street. Letting the scaly creature pass, Kairi breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh man, this place is weird."

* * *

 **-X-**

Reading the new text message with an eye-roll, Riku complained, "Too busy? What kinda girl is too busy for Riku? What, does she think she's Tifa, or something? Tch…Oh, well. On to the next one."

Snapping his fingers, Riku solved his girl problem as soon as it hit him. He'd been going about it all wrong. A sunny day like today meant girls were out shopping, restaurant hopping, or skipping work somehow. When girls do these types of things, they are crying for attention on social media. How silly of him to think he'd get laid today through simple texting.

Wandering the white halls of Destiny Dormitory, Riku scrolled through his Kupo+ feed, looking for anything with glossy lips, round hips, or cleavage. He stopped on Olette's selfie.

"Damn, Olette!" Riku howled. "You need to hurry up and get this Key-bone."

Dropping into Olette's DM's, Riku expertly typed out his message _"Hop on my dick"_ and immediately went back to scrolling.

A picture of Rikku poking out her booty graced his feed. Delving into her DM's, Riku typed _"Come suck off ur twin real quick"_.

That's when he saw Kairi's post. Apparently, she was in the middle of falling in outer space and found an opportunity to post a quick vid, at least that's what Riku gleaned. Then she showed what she was falling towards, a planet with a giant yellow "C" on the surface. Riku didn't know what to make of this.

He typed _"U look hot"_ in her comment section and went back to scrolling.

He scrolled into Lara Croft's picture, a swimsuit pic. Whistling his fascination, Riku thrashed the Like Button and commented five heart emoticons, just because he cares like that.

Throwing a few Likes at souped-up Gummi Ship pics, Riku then came across a picture of Selphie posing in the shower, holding a tiny rag over her boobs for censorship.

Rubbing his chin in thought, Riku chuckled and surmised, "Man, this feels like a trap, but…"

Flying right into Selphie's DM's, he typed _"May I join you?"_

As soon as he sent that message, an alert told his phone Olette had replied to his request. The message read _"Just got out the shower"_ followed by a lone heart emoticon.

Riku's reply might as well have typed itself: _"I'm omw"_

Jogging up the staircase because Olette lived on the eighth floor, Riku rounded the corner and met Demyx on the second half of the stairs. Getting Riku's attention, Demyx greeted him, "Yo, Riku? What's going on?"

"Things and stuff—see ya!" Riku answered quickly, running past the sitar player.

Calling after the silver-haired teen, Demyx asked, "Hey, 'ja see Kairi's post today? She seemed to be in a lot of trouble!"

Stopping at the top of the stairs, Riku tapped his chin and said, "Actually yeah, I did see that. I kinda just assumed it was her usual bullshit."

"Well, whatever it was, it kinda looked like it she was outside Squeenix's boundaries," Demyx remarked. "I hope she doesn't get put under punishment."

Damn. Riku really couldn't bring himself to care. "Hm. Ah…well…hm. Tell ya what, let's wait and see!"

Throwing a flippant hand, Demyx said indifferently, "Tch. Whatever."

Demyx kept walking downstairs, and Riku continued upwards. Finally reaching the eighth floor, Riku entered the correct hallway, found Olette's door, and knocked a friendly beat.

Olette, the shy girl from Twilight Town, answered in just a towel, hair dripping wet and smelling like fruity shampoo. Grasping Riku's collar, she practically pulled him in, purring, "Right through here, big boy…"

He closed the door. Both standing in her room, Riku smirked and said, "Sorry I'm late."

Olette dropped her towel, revealing an expertly shaved happy trail. Massaging her breasts in both hands, she said, "I've been thinking about you all day."

"I like the way you think," Riku wisecracked, loosening his jeans before dropping them.

Standing in just his boxers, Riku placed his hands on his hips and gave Olette a smoldering look. As if reading his mind, Olette walked up to him, grabbed his junk through his boxers, and dropped to her knees. After sliding his undergarment downward, she let Riku's bird whip out and salute before taking a mouthful.

Riku looked forward and closed his eyes, feeling every inch of his schlong get wet. Luckily, she remembered the tricks Riku taught her last time; she made sure to lick the sides and base while massaging those lucky jewels.

"Oh, _fuuuuuck,"_ Riku breathed, cradling her head in one hand.

Olette started deep-throating, slicking up whatever wasn't wet before. Slowly, she brought it back and sucked him off like a lollipop, boring her tongue against the tip.

Riku couldn't take it anymore. On cue, Riku whipped out a rubber and proceeded with the proper procedure. Safety first! Stripping off his shirt and the rest of his clothing, he picked up the brunette and threw her in bed, pecking her neck with kisses that turned into sensual biting. Olette responded with fingernails in his back, a welcome agony Riku would never pass up. He found her opening, went deep inside, and started hitting it in missionary.

Checking his footing on the floor, Riku upped his pace until all he could hear was Olette's moans and skin-on-skin contact. Suffice to say, he fucking loved this part. Olette's "O" face never failed to impress him. It was dangerous enough to stop traffic.

Stroking deep, Riku caused Olette to lurch forward and cling behind his shoulders. Riku countered by throwing his hands behind her shoulders. Dominantly pushing her back on the bed, Riku reached another plateau inside her sweet walls.

Olette screamed; she needed to be an actress if she was faking that one. Well actually, she was an actress, technically. Didn't matter. Having sex.

Now it was Olette's turn to ride on top. Relenting in his assault, Riku sat straight up on the bed, and Olette gave him a clean view of her derriere before perching in the reverse. Hands on the bed for leverage, Riku went with his mate's momentum, enjoying the slick bounce and pretty much feeling like a king.

Just then, his phone went off in his discarded pants. It was a Kupo+ alert. It had to be Rikku or Selphie.

Olette didn't stop. Good.

But then another alert went off. Two alerts was officially too much.

This time Olette did slow down. Looking back at him, she asked, "Friends of yours?"

"Probably Tidus or some dumb shit," Riku deflected, encouraging more bounce.

"Mm-hm," Olette replied in that undeniably disbelieving tone.

"Whatever, just bounce babe."

He was still pretty hard, and she was still pretty wet. Maneuvering to a standing position, Riku placed her in doggy-style and proceeded to ram like his reputation depended on it. He figured Olette must've forgotten about the cell phone notifications for now because she moaned louder than before. First thrusting slowly, Riku took a moment to appreciate the underrated work of art that was Olette's naked body. This was the reason he talked to girls, so he could discover little known gems like this one.

He stared for too long. "Fuck—I'm gonna come!"

"Come inside me, baby!" Olette urged him. "Mm…don't hold back."

It was now or never. Riku climaxed into his condom, inside the walls of paradise. He thrusted harder than ever before, consecrating that feeling of royalty. _"AAAGGHH!"_ Riku couldn't help himself.

Running his hands through his hair, Riku remarked, "Whoa…that hit the spot."

"You don't say," Olette quipped, looking back with her bottom facing Riku.

Reaching for his boxers, Riku routinely told his lie, "You know I'd stay longer, but I gotta go help out Wakka with his furniture. Could take me all day."

Getting up to enter her bathroom, Olette replied indifferently, "Well, tell him I said 'hey'. I'll be thinking about you, Riku."

"Me too," Riku said with a smirk. Throwing on the rest of his outfit, Riku took his leave, "Adios!"

Exiting Olette's room and smelling like sex and lies, Riku whipped out his phone and said, "One down."

Reading his DM's, he saw that both Rikku and Selphie had responded respectively:

" _Only if you eat me out first"_ , and:

" _I'm still nude"_

Riku cursed, "Shit! I shouldn't've came!" Thinking quickly, he dialed the number of a certain space pilot from Final Fantasy VII.

"Hello?" Cid answered in a raspy voice.

"Cid! I need some dick pills ASAP!" Riku requested.

"Huh? Who's this again?" Cid asked.

Already frustrated, Riku answered, "It's Riku! You have any dick pills, or not?"

"Oh, it's Riku. You lookin' for dick pills, sonny?" Cid asked with a laugh.

"Yeah, I just need one."

Cid replied, "Well, you know how much I charge. Twenty gil a pill, baby."

"Sure thing. You in the garage?"

"Of course."

"I'll be there in five minutes!" Riku asserted, hanging up the phone. Hastily, he made for the elevator (which he didn't use the first time for some reason) and started typing like a mad man. For Rikku's message, he typed _"I'll do a lot more once I get out of traffic"_. Then he responded to Selphie with, _"Stuck in traffic. Send me nudes"_ , also adding a smiley face.

Making sure to stay away from either girl's side of the dormitory, Riku rang for an elevator and smiled at his ability to react quickly in changing conditions.

"Hm. I should become a secret agent."

* * *

 **-X-**

Wow. Okay. That was graphic. Any-who, back with Sora.

Sora looked down at his Keyblade scar, noticing it wasn't getting any better. He didn't want to risk using a Cure spell due to its nature of expending all of his magic for a brief but tiresome amount of time. Besides, it only hurt like all hell, nothing serious.

Then suddenly, a pillar of light presented itself to Sora, noticing a pair of shoes descending within it. Once again, it belonged to his Kingdom Hearts III attire. Smirking, he knew there had to be a catch, but he approached them anyway.

Briefly watching the shoes float in place, Sora took them, placed them on his feet, and waited. Nothing happened.

"There's no way I got these for free," Sora stated. "I guess they want me paranoid."

Glad to have his feet covered once again, Sora paced back and forth until his radar alerted him to something. Checking it, he saw that the Gummi Ship's path had become obstructed, something he'd been expecting. Flipping out hidden panels on his radar, Sora initiated a mode of controlling his Gummi Ship remotely, utilizing the extended screen space to see what his ship could see.

"Here I go, copying Batman again," Sora joked to himself. Sheesh, he hated this place.

Now seeing through a camera in his cockpit, Sora viewed a great deal of crystal spires and black rocks, surmising the ship was somewhere nearby.

"Strange. I can't hear my ship's engine."

Thinking of an idea, he tried blasting one of the crystal spires with the cannons. Just then, Sora looked up at the towering ceiling and noticed it shook and dropped a bit of dust.

"Heh. Thing's right above me." Definitely opting to stand a safe distance away, Sora continued blasting more shots into the rock layer with his remote control, noticing more dust and debris fall from the huge cavern's ceiling.

The sound of a sword being drawn rang from behind Sora. Then, a menacingly barbaric voice greeted him, "Fancy meeting you here, Key-Boy."

Without turning around, Sora chuckled and stated, "Wow. When they said Boss Rush, they weren't kidding."

Another voice, that of a certain undead pirate, also echoed to Sora. "We'll be takin' that shiny Keyblade o' yours, shortly after guttin' ya like a fish, o' course."

Blasting away with his remote control radar, Sora knew he had the higher vantage point, so he wasn't terribly worried about making the first move. Still, he faced away and pretended there weren't people intending to kill him not far behind.

Then, a third voice revealed itself, this time not of a human, but that of a growling animal. Unbelievably, Sora was able to detect a psychic connection between him and the animal due to being one of its kind in the past. (Or something). Accompanying the low growl was a chilling voice in Sora's head:

" _Well, well. If it isn't the little kitten that could."_

Okay, THAT made Sora paranoid enough to turn right around.

Leader of the Hun Army, Usurper of the Black Pearl, and Conspirator of Pride Rock all stood at the bottom of the hill Sora occupied, brandishing swords, claws, and fangs.

"Hey!" Sora shouted. "Can't you guys see I'm busy?!"

Shan Yu pointed his jagged blade at Sora, roaring up to him, "You will not see the end of this day, weakling!"

Sora blasted another clean shot at the floor above them, causing a large piece of rock to plummet. According to the screen, he'd successfully blasted a hole, but it needed to be wider for his ship to pass through. More shots were necessary.

Seemingly oblivious to the falling scenery, Captain Barbossa gave a threat of his own, "I haven't forgotten 'boot the score worth settlin' 'tween you and I. 'Til I have yer pea-brained head on a platter—only then will me appetite fer vengeance be sated, boy-o!"

Pausing his other task, Sora asked irritably, "I'm sorry, who are you, again?"

Barbossa opened his mouth to speak, "Yarrr, I be—"

"You're an asshole!" Sora cut him off, blasting more rocks from above the ceiling.

"Why you—!" Barbossa drew his flintlock pistol and fired away.

"Great," Sora muttered, swaying from the bullet's path. "As if I didn't have enough problems already." Stuffing his Gummi Ship radar into his pocket, Sora got ready for yet another wild party.

"Fight me!" Shan Yu yelled before charging up Sora's hill.

Deflecting the Hun soldier's assault, Sora parried with an Upward Slash, of which Shan Yu side-stepped. Throwing another slash Sora's way, he made contact with the Keyblade warrior's shoulder, drawing blood. Sora grunted at his mistake, sensing a certain feral creature about to pounce on him in his periphery.

Back-flipping off of the hill, Sora landed and touched the wound on his shoulder. Once again, nothing serious. Already, Scar was dashing down the hill to zero in on the Keyblader; using a well-timed Reflect spell, Sora nullified Scar's attack and let the ensuing splash damage send the scheming lion flying backward.

That was when Captain Barbossa dashed-n-slashed from afar; in an adrenaline-fueled response, Sora vaulted backwards and rammed his Keyblade straight into Barbossa's sternum, comboing with four more body-strikes. The conniving captain flew back and hit the floor from the last hit, guaranteeing more breathing space for the Keyblade Master.

Smirking, Sora initiated a Round Break, quickly spinning in place and igniting the floor with sparks to stave off Scar's incoming reprisal. The lion lost his footing, tripping and sliding into a Finishing Leap, courtesy of Sora; pounding the ground with Kingdom Key, Sora caused hot flames to erupt around him and engulf Scar, who immediately started rolling away, ablaze with Sora's magic.

Quickly immobilizing the fallen Captain with a Blizzard spell, Sora egged on the Hun, "C'mon, Shan Yu! Do your job!"

Sauntering down the hill slowly, Shan Yu growled, "I'll make sure to cut that smart tongue right out of your skull!"

Flipping him off, Sora teased before sticking out his tongue, "You mean this one?"

"Enough!" Darting past the smoking beast and frozen pirate, Shan Yu intended to impale Sora. With an evasive spin move, Sora chopped downward at Shan's hand, effectively disarming the Hun leader. Sending another slash into his enemy's collar bone, Sora knocked him back a few steps.

Meanwhile, Scar had finally put the flames out, standing up with singed patches of fur. Dashing over to Sora, he sent a telepathic threat, _"I shall have your entrails for that!"_

Scar leapt up to eye-level with Sora, taking a mouthful of Kingdom Key. Sora had successfully warded off a set of fangs that would've surely killed him if he hadn't reacted so quickly. Momentarily looking up at the cavern's ceiling, Sora spotted the miniature hole his ship blasted. Between Scar's snarls and Barbossa's footsteps, he could hear the faintest sound of a Gummi Ship's engine resonating through…

"Back off!" Sora commanded, throwing scar into a rock wall.

Turning around, the shirtless Keyblader barely missed being impaled through the neck; with a quick sway, Sora dodged and countered with another ice spell that once again froze the charging swashbuckler. Meanwhile, Shan Yu had reequipped his jagged blade, calling upon the power of darkness for a quick boost in speed.

Remembering how Yu would fly around the battleground while in this state, Sora prepared to go on the defensive. As visible black smoke evaporated from Yu's form, all Sora could think about was _her_ in that moment.

He missed that girl.

She became popular at Squeenix so long ago. That's when they first started hanging out less often. They couldn't go anywhere without guys hitting on her. Sora was cool with it. Riku didn't care. He was busy hitting on other girls. Sora made time to hit on girls too, just not around Kairi. He had no idea how confusing these feelings would become one day. Nowadays, he hadn't the slightest clue where things were headed. But right now, all he could think about was Kairi.

His Keyblade scar tingled some pain to his nervous system, bringing him back from his reverie.

Blocking Shan Yu's darkness-fueled attack, Sora quickly overpowered the Hun and slashed right through him. A diagonal black line showed itself on the Hun's torso, first leaking black smoke and then widening until Shan Yu's very form split into two separate hemispheres. The top half fell on the ground with a _thud_ , displaying an utterly perplexed facial expression on Shan Yu.

"You…" Shan hissed from the ground, blackened blood spurting from his mouth. "You…are different…somehow."

Scar and Barbossa watched the whole thing, now hesitant about this whole Boss Rush thing.

* * *

 **-X-**

Back with Riku—just kidding, let's go see what Kairi's up to.

While waiting for her B'uber driver to arrive, Kairi had gotten hungry, so she tried bartering with one of the vendors for a piece of fruit. Luckily, they accepted Gil and traded her one apple and a cucumber. Happy to get the taste of dust and regret out of her mouth, Kairi happily munched on the healthy morsel.

It was then that she spotted _it_ approaching in the distance. Nemesis, the monster who's got a serious beef with anything star-shaped, was slowly trudging towards the market area from that hole in the wall. It's like he picked up Kairi's scent or something.

"Oh, no," Kairi bemoaned, briskly walking in the other direction. "What's with that guy?"

Walking towards the metropolis, Kairi passed up countless stores lining a strip mall, approaching a paved street that led deeper into the city. She remained on the sidewalk, checking over her shoulder for Nemesis. She couldn't see him anymore.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Kairi continued toward the city, noticing less rural qualities and more urban. Tall brick buildings of contemporary design flanked every angle, even seeing some billboards. Noticing one billboard in particular, Kairi stopped and blushed at an advertisement for Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney at Law.

"Oh, I didn't know my husband was famous around these parts," Kairi said with a hair flip. Remembering something important, she added, "That's right. That factory said something about 'Capcom', I think. I guess that would explain the giant C-shaped city." Gazing around at the hundreds of locals walking around and driving cars, she stated, "So this is Capcom. I bet Sora would like it here."

Oh, yeah. _Him._

Crossing her arms, Kairi added, "Bet he'd like to bring Aqua here, too. Unless it was a one-night-stand…"

Leaning against the nearest building, she took another bite from the apple and started checking her Kupo+ again. Riku had left her a comment: _"U look hot"_

Rolling her eyes, she kept scrolling. One post in particular made her say, "Whaaaat? No way is Agent 47 a vegan."

 _Thunk. Thunk._ Nemesis rounded the corner. "Stars…"

Still oblivious, Kairi commented on another Kupost, "Lara, you sexy beast, I've got a swimsuit just like that one!"

Spotting Kairi, Nemesis zeroed in on the girl.

"I don't know how Peach keeps finding these beautiful dresses." That's when she noticed the dark blob in her peripheral vision. Turning, she hummed, "Hm?"

"STARS!" it roared with spit flying.

"Oh, fuck!" Kairi swore, narrowly missing being grabbed.

Taking off down the sidewalk, Kairi weaved between pedestrian after pedestrian, none too concerned with the numerous people she knocked over. And just as soon as she started running, Nemesis took aim with his rocket launcher and fired away into the crowd. Though the surging explosive was meant for Kairi, it wound up colliding into a dude reading a newspaper, and uh…well, it blew his ass away.

Running as fast as her skinny legs would take her, Kairi shrieked, "This guy's a fuckin' psychopath!"

Kairi turned a corner and made the common horror movie mistake of walking into a dark alley. "This isn't good."

Spotting a door that was thankfully cracked open, the princess in distress wasted no time in entering said door. Shutting it behind her, Kairi found herself in a kitchen of some sort, seeing chefs and grill cooks hard at work. Still holding her apple, she awkwardly walked past the workers and found a double door leading to the rest of the building.

Taking a deep breath, Kairi pushed through those doors, entering some extravagant restaurant attached to a nightclub. It was still daytime outside, but the nightclub portion was already bumping with music and lively patrons.

Opting to mix with the crowd, Kairi finally felt some degree of safety; in fact, she loved all the dance clubs back home. She and Selphie used to dance and gyrate their little asses off to songs they couldn't understand. Kairi was even reminded of that one time Sora showed up.

He was with another girl. Terra Branford, to be exact.

Kairi shook the image from her thoughts. Proceeding to the edge of the dancefloor, she did her best to blend in, keeping an eye on all the exits.

And then behold, her nightmare waltzed in from the kitchen. Of course, he's a walking tank, so he probably tore the backdoor down. She thought about having some of these people fight for her, but as the rocket launcher demonstrated earlier, regular people were likely to be no match. To make matters worse, the monster began guarding both the main entrance and the kitchen, blocking any immediately visible exit strategy.

She couldn't risk going back to the kitchen because it was still in Nemesis' grabbing distance. Looking behind her, she saw the bathrooms and immediately dipped inside. Confirming this was the ladies' room, Kairi paced over to the last stall, entered it, and crouched on the toilet. Not how she imagined her day would go, but this had become a mission of survival. She just needed to stay put and pray that psychopath would look elsewhere.

The bathroom door slammed open.

Some random commoner said, "Oh, shit. This is the girl's bathroom."

The bathroom door closed again. Kairi breathed a sigh of relief.

Then, from beyond the bathroom door, the horrifying word reached her ears, "Stars…"

"Please don't come in, please don't come in, please don't come in," Kairi mumbled like a nervous wreck.

Unlucky; the bathroom door slammed open once again, followed by a bone-chilling, "Stars!"

Kairi cursed, "Damn it, I should've used the bathroom when I came in."

Nemesis' unmistakable footsteps approached the stalls. One by one, he started punching open the stall doors, which was totally rude considering any woman could be using one. Maybe it was a good thing Kairi was alone? Wait, no it wasn't.

Kairi was running out of options; looking above, she spotted a ventilation grate wide enough to fit a skinny princess (sorry, not for Fat Princess). Finding her motivation, Kairi jumped like her last name was Irving; grabbing hold, Kairi dangled in the air momentarily before yanking it down with all her body weight.

By now, Nemesis found the dangling princess; it bellowed, "STARS!"

 _CRACK!_ The grate broke free.

Catching her footing on the toilet seat once again, Kairi chucked the broken grate and jumped straight up, taking hold and pulling herself…absolutely nowhere. Geez, this takes a lot of upper body strength. Legs flailing all around, she kicked the wall of the stall and began using that to help shimmy herself upward.

 _BAM!_ Nemesis opened her stall, roaring loudly.

Kairi was almost there. She had her head and most of her torso inside the vent. Kicking like a mental patient, Kairi felt a hand repeatedly swipe for her legs, but she was too quick. With a final heave, she managed to pull herself to safety. Lying on her back inside the close-quarters ventilation shaft, she laughed loudly before crying out, "HA! Can't reach me now, you son of a—!"

Just then, a tentacle wrapped around her ankle, pulling her downward to the last place she wanted to go.

"Oh, COME ON!" Kairi flipped out.

Scooting backward against the pulling force of Nemesis' tentacle, Kairi screeched uncontrollably as the sickening appendage slithered up her leg.

"No, no, no, no, no!" she cried.

Scooting away was nigh impossible at this point; the more she struggled, the further it slithered. Grabbing the slippery limb, Kairi started punching and chopping at it, but to no avail.

"Just let me go, you creep!" It reached her inner thigh. "Oh, shit!"

" _STARS!"_ Nemesis bellowed from down below, yanking harder than ever.

Unable to continue punching the tentacle, Kairi threw her hands against the wall and prayed it didn't go after her "secret place." Crying out loud, Kairi couldn't help but ask, "Where the fuck is the security in this place?!"

Nemesis's tentacle reached her panties, and it didn't show signs of stopping. Flipping over to her belly, Kairi shed tears as she squirmed a meager distance away, kicking against the unholy appendage. She couldn't let this happen…not after becoming born again!

Just as the tentacle ventured under her panties and greeted her "V", Kairi made a quick decision and said, "Ah, screw it!"

Kairi slipped out her panties in one fluid motion; the tentacle got confused and targeted the abandoned undergarment, loosening just enough for her to yank her leg free. She didn't look back; crawling at the speed of fright, she ditched that monstrosity currently holding her white panties hostage. They were ripped in the back anyway…

The scurrying princess got lost in the maze of the ventilation shaft, just happy to be away from that nasty situation. Tears were still flowing as she crawled to safety. "That was too goddamn close."

Kairi found a vertical point in the system, allowing her to climb upward to the building's rooftop. It was there that she encountered a fan fixture, protected by a grate. Just beyond said fan, she could make out daylight from the outside world. It was time for more vandalism; using both feet, she kicked the grate repeatedly until the whole fixture loosened and fell outward, spilling in sunshine.

Poking her head out, she found herself staring at the emptiness of a lonely rooftop. Stepping out, she instantly collapsed backwards on the concrete. Staring up into the beautiful blue sky, she gushed, "Words…cannot express…how thankful I am…to not be a monster's rape toy." Patting her cooch gently, Kairi whispered, "Shh…you're safe now."

The moment of peace overtook her. Watching the sky always made her think about a certain male Keyblader whose name holds the meaning of "sky." So what, he hooked up with Aqua. Shit happens. Big effing deal. Kairi didn't have all the facts. She didn't know jack about shit. Maybe it would've been different if she had just attended the Two-Point-Eight Party last night.

What was stopping her again? Oh, right. Her date, Rude, thought it was a waste of time. 'Cuz, you know, getting in car wrecks is way more interesting.

"Maybe I don't deserve Sora as a friend," she randomly suggested.

A gentle zephyr blew up her dress.

Changing her mind completely, she said, "Screw that. Sora didn't even invite me. Quasimodo was the one who first told me about it."

Pulling out her half eaten apple, Kairi began tossing it up and down. She mused to herself, "Guess that means Sora's like Riku now, having pointless sex with anything that moves."

It might have been the stress or the exhaustion, but right then and there, Kairi started hallucinating an image of Sora's smirking face in the sky. Dropping the apple in surprise, Kairi paused and blushed as another gust of wind lifted her dress up to her belly button.

Not taking her eyes off her perceived image of Sora's face, Kairi muttered, "You cocky little pervert."

Just then, a cloud shaped like a hand giving the finger drifted by.

Giggling uncontrollably, she replied, "Fuck you, too."

Remembering something, Kairi slowly reached into one of her pockets.

"But you gotta fuck me first."

Pulling out the cucumber she bought way back at the market, Kairi gave in to her newly burning desire. She eyed the vegetable that she was planning on consuming for the sake of her complexion and developed a new plan. Taking two fingers to massage her "secret place", she quickly scanned her surroundings for intruders. The coast was clear.

The mood was lit; she felt the passion erupt in her chest, earning a moan as her legs tingled. Using a third finger, she plunged deeper for a wet bounty, shutting her eyes in favor of her imagination. As soon as she got back home, she swore to subject Sora to a special kind of punishment…

Crying out a bit, Kairi loved herself with all four digits, gyrating her hips against the waves daring to take over. Without a second thought, she guided the vegetable right into her opening, slick with invitation. Picturing Sora shirtless, maybe with a cool-looking scar to boot, Kairi accessed more space within. Her personal veggie found itself halfway in when Kairi gasped out loud from a climax.

She needed more.

Pushing deeper, Kairi screamed, _"Fuck me!"_

In total control of her fantasy world, she plunged repeatedly until her every last defense fell to the wayside. Returning to her powerful imagination, Kairi encountered the final straw; what if Sora wore an immaculate blue suit just like Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney at Law?

The vegetable flew out from her cooch, followed by a torrent of her royal essence. She cried out in pure ecstasy.

Palming her forehead, Kairi blew a few red strands out of her face.

"I gotta get the fuck outta here."


	7. Hell and Hell and Hell

**Chapter 7: Hell and Hell and Hell**

"Wait, who'd ya say took Kairi, again?" Reno asked in disbelief.

"I forgot the guy's name. Some weirdo from Final Fantasy XII," Rude replies, kicking his feet up on the dashboard.

Scratching his chin, Reno asked, "Didn't they skip that one?"

"That's what I said," said Rude.

The pair of Turks were currently cruising down an astral street in the middle of outer space because…vidjogames. Much like the ghost train in Twilight Town that choo-chooed up to Yen Sid's crib, Reno's vehicle drove along a continually generating road of astral designs and patterns, this being their main method of travel…between worlds, ooh and awe.

Riding shotgun, Rude shook his bald head and said, "Never mind the fact that I have no freakin' clue where Kairi is, I gotta go find this screwball and punch him right in his ass-clown face! _That's_ the only way I can redeem myself."

Peering over at Rude's bruises, Reno comments, "Sheesh, it looks like he already did one on you."

"Yeah? He looked worse," Rude rudely retorts, slapping his own vision shut and fretting, "Fucked by a Chocobo…Kairi's probably givin' that other guy a lap dance as we speak."

Reno laughs out loud, hitting a speed bump. "Kairi's a good girl, Rude. Just be happy she's safe and sound. Probably."

They drive past numerous worlds and satellites, passing up floating street signs labeled, "Naughty Dog," "Namco Bandai Namco," and "Capcom." Reno was none to concerned for those worlds, as he kept straight for the wonderful world of Square Enix.

Meanwhile, Rude shakes his head, saying, "I don't know. I wouldn't trust a pirate with any of _my_ booty."

" _Your_ booty, eh?" Reno repeats with a smirk. "How 'bout you actually _tap that_ first before we start claiming territory? Seriously. Just go up to her and tap one of her butt cheeks. I tapped my whole signature on Elena's ass the other day…and you're not even paying attention."

Indeed, Rude had temporarily lost interest in the conversation, choosing to scroll through his phone rather than listen to his pal's story. Feigning his indifference, Rude pipes up, "Huh? You say something?"

Reno sighed. "Will ya grow some fuckin' ears, you pulp-fiction embezzling dill-rod! _I was saying—_ you should go up to Kairi and tap two fingers to the nearest ass-cheek. Call it marking your terri—"

"Shit, Reno. We've gotta go to Capcom!" Rude suddenly interrupts.

"What the flip-heck for?"

"It's Kairi." While holding his phone up, Rude shows him the Kupost of Kairi falling in outer space. As the camera pans to the planet with a giant C-shaped city, he added, "This little menace is about to get me in heaps of trouble."

"No kidding," Reno dryly responds. "You do realize that video's from over an hour ago, so there's a good chance she's already an attractive stain on Capcom's property."

"Oh, fuck-tons of Tonberries…" Rude sighed, messaging his temples. "Look. Here's the plan. We're gonna go find the body. We'll dress it up in a swimsuit, take it back to Square Enix, and dump it in a pool somewhere. Then, we'll wait for somebody to see her floating, and boom, we're off the hook."

"Idiot," Reno addresses his partner. "What about the Kupost? Pretty sure that means three thousand people got a good look at her braggadocios blog update!"

"You and your horse-ass vocab from Rick and Morty." Snapping his fingers, Rude counters, "We'll make it a 'girl cried wolf' story. Reno, listen closely. She wasn't anywhere near Capcom when she shot that video. Yeah, that was, uh…that was all special effects with her virtual reality gizmo. Yeah, she totally tricked us good, didn't she? She was never in any real danger. Just a lonely girl seeking attention, that's all."

"Listen to yourself, dude! Ever considered, oh-I-don't-know just callin her flippin' phone!"

"No way—someone could've picked it up. One call from me and I'm already a prime suspect in Square's inevitable search. I gotta stay one step ahead of them."

" _Christ, Rude._ Are you really gonna go through with this?"

"Reno, it's okay." Rude stares at his hands a bit. "I-I already know people are going to blame me for this. The truth is, she posted that fake video because she wanted to get back at me for ignoring her. It's all because I didn't take her to that ridiculous party last night. I just can't believe I let this happen, you know?"

Preparing to accept the role he was about to play, Reno only mutters, "Yer fucked in the head."

Clutching the armrest, Rude says with a kernel of truth, "This is going to scar me for the rest of my life, Reno."

The redheaded Turk remained silent. With just a few adjustments, they plotted a course for Capcom.

* * *

 **-X-**

Shan Yu's severed legs fall down knees-first before a complete collapse. As more and more of the Hun's defeated halves evaporate into black smoke, Sora turns his attention to the remaining enemies, both assuming the position of purely shaken.

Scar's mental telepathy told Sora, _"I didn't know a Keyblade could even do that…cut through flesh!"_

Pointing his rapier accusingly, Captain Barbossa sputters, "It-it seems you've become coldblooded!" Relaxing a bit, he tries laughing it off, "Well, that be all right with me! Just means you're one o' us, now!"

Now it was Sora's turn to point his weapon at Barbossa. Eyes glaring red, He threatens, "Really, Cap'n Fruit Loop? Then I guess you can call this a mutiny!"

Growling like a rabid dog, Barbossa throws himself back on the offensive. Not even bothering to enter his fighting stance, Sora patiently waited for the first jab, of which he weaved around and countered with another Blizzard crystal.

After freezing the captain's motives, Sora slams the ground once to initiate the hot sparks of a Finishing Leap. His timing was so trained that he managed to ignite both Barbie and Hell-No-Kitty, sending both parties airborne. Once there, Sora curves his rain-guard before smacking it down upon the lion's back, switching into discus-throwing his bullseye-bound Kingdom Key for the burning pirate's face.

Landing on the ground, Sora taunts them both, "Hope you've got health insurance!"

Just then, Barbossa reaches for a second pistol, quick-firing straight from the hip.

Swaying to the side, Sora charges past the pellet round as it sank right into Scar's ever-scheming skull. And uh, that was one dead kitty-cat.

Growling with rage, Barbossa tosses out a handful of explosives, screeching, "Have some o' these!"

Hell no, Sora wasn't shaken; initiating a Reflect bubble shield, Sora appears to have nullified all damage from the explosives. Barbossa had anticipated the youngster's next move, stepping back to avoid the ensuing shield-splash. And without a second's hesitation, Sora delivers a colossal Guard Break to the mutinous captain's chest cavity, where the Keyblade mortally lodges itself.

Having taken a direct hit, Barbossa's very image began to rattle and shake to the beat of his imminent defeat. Clutching the Kingdom Key's blade, Barbossa hacks up a mixture of inhuman blood and a degrading quality of last words, "How does it feel, lad?" Coughing up a black tar-like substance, the captain continued, "How does it feel to become a devil?"

"Well it pays like shit, the benefits suck, and my coworkers are a bunch of tools," Sora puns. "But one thing you can't take away is this feeling I get putting fools like _you_ out of commission."

Black tar came puddling out of Barbossa's mouth. "So…you surrender yer heart to ultimate power, then?"

Ripping out his weapon, Sora allows his fallen opponent to drop to his knees before face-planting. Then, Sora said, "Beats me. Maybe you should ask my friends."

Sora didn't have time to waste; back on his Gummi radar, he finishes blasting the hole and accelerates the ship straight through. Directing his ship to fly down and home in on its owner, he back-flipped over the nose and landed in the pilot's seat of the cockpit.

Back in business, the Master Keyblader stomps the gas, blasting off in search of Aqua.

* * *

 **-X-**

Kairi pockets her cucumber.

"Sheesh, sorry about the mess." Still blushing, she leaned on the rooftop's edge and gazed at the busy metropolis surrounding her. Cars of all shapes and sizes darted to and fro, some even hovering with mechanical wings over the traffic. Of all the citizens wandering in her sight, Kairi guessed ninety percent were N.P.C.'s while the rest had to be Superstars, like herself.

"Stars…" says this creepy voice from down below.

Immediately, she spots Nemesis exiting the building she just crawled through. It…or he looked pretty lost. Just then, her phone's ringtone went off.

Ducking behind the edge, Kairi answers her phone, "Hello?"

"Hi, this is your B'uber driver Murray speaking," Murray responds in his cheery, husky voice, "letting you know that I have arrived at the modified destination, ready for pickup!"

"Oh, yeah that's right!" Kairi thought quickly. "Okay, so there's been a mishap. I'll need you to meet me closer to the city area, somewhere by a nightclub."

"Say no more!" Amicable energy reverberated from Murray's end of the phone. "If it's the nightclub I think you're talking about, then I should be there in less than a minute. Also, keep your eyes on the skies. You'll be delighted to know that your chariot comes with aerial capabilities!"

Liking what she just heard, Kairi said, "That's sweet. I'm actually on a rooftop, if that helps."

Sounding self-assured, Murray counters, "Trust me. That helps."

"Agreed—I'll see ya here!"

Concluding the call, Kairi took a moment to appreciate her ingenuity. Being a strong female protagonist was hard work, but here she was, stunning the rooftop scenery with ill regard for the matter of fate, much like a skull-fucking competition had broken out between both fate and hers truly. Speaking of competition, Kairi figured she ought to keep her body limber and practice her yoga. Entering the warrior pose right then and there, she takes a deep breath, exhales, and feels the good vibes. Yet another gentle breeze serves a friendly reminder of the missing panties, but she hardly cares thanks to the pure freedom of it all. After all, she has managed to escape certain death like eight times already (and counting). We also can't ignore the fact that she's in a new world. Oh, and she totally loved herself. All over the roof.

She faces away from the edge, bending over to touch her toes. After an excellent couple of breaths, Kairi states to no one in particular, "I am so comfortable in my skin."

" _RAAAAAAAAWR!"_

"GAAAH!" Her scream erupted between her legs.

The Nemesis creature had gone through the trouble of scaling the side of the nightclub, poking its head up to once again torment Kairi. It narrowly misses grabbing her.

"Geez—just fuck off, already!" pled Kairi after a quick dodge.

Nemesis threw himself on the rooftop, having ditched the rocket launcher in favor of mobility and agility. Clearly still hung up about the whole bathroom thing, Nemesis shouts like the mindless killer he is, "Gr…aaAAAAWR—STARS!"

Checking the skies, Kairi mutters, "Okay, Murray. I'm counting on you!"

Starting her mental stopwatch, Kairi began running from edge-to-edge around the rooftop. To her surprise, Nemesis was just as capable of running as she was, maybe even a little faster. Hearing the foot-stomps not far behind, Kairi ran to the opposite edge and attempted to play him like a matador.

No good; Nemesis stopped on a dime, roaring once before continuing his pursuit. This time, he swiped at Kairi, who ducked and tried kicking him in the shin. No good, again; that shit was nearly indestructible, so she turned around and kept running.

That's when a lightbulb came on. Drawing her cucumber, she stopped, aimed, and chucked it right at the monster's face.

Scowling, his mug deflected the veggie down to street-level. He shook his head and kept on chasing her, now highly annoyed.

"Dammit! I thought that would work!" cried Kairi.

They started playing a game of "who's got better cardio," with Kairi running around in the widest circles possible. At least now she knew those hours on the elliptical weren't wasted.

Flicking sweat from her hair, she yells back, "My ass better look n' feel like cotton-candy after all this!" And just then, a purple van—yes, a van—with yellow painted-on flames soared through the sky. Kairi eyes it with a grim insanity, flailing frantically to get the driver's attention. "Right here! I'm right here!"

Hovering down betwixt the game of cat and mouse, the driver, a pink and portly hippopotamus, greeted her cordially, "Hi, welcome to B'uber!"

Just then, Nemesis made a swipe and actually connected with the girl's waistline, then showing his strength by picking Kairi up and squeezing the daylights out of her already-tiny midsection.

Confused, Murray asked from the driver's seat, "Is everything okay here, ma'am?"

Struggling in Nemesis' grasp, Kairi shouts, "Everything is NOT okay! Get help!"

Murray, the hippo teammate from the _Sly Cooper_ games, barreled out of the van and assumed the position of Total Hero. Putting up his fists like a heavyweight boxer, The Murray came to Kairi's rescue, commanding, "Hey, you put that defenseless girl down right now, you freakish-looking thug!"

"Stars!" it bellowed back.

"Stars? Oh, I'll show you stars! And that's 'The Murray' to you!"

Tossing Kairi to the side like a stone, Nemesis pumped his fists together before running up on Murray and socking him clean in the jaw. Totally not expecting such strength, Murray was sent careening into the side of his own van, definitely seeing those stars.

Nursing a few scrapes of her own, Kairi frets for the hippo, "Don't fight him, Murray! We have to get out of here!"

Holding his face in agony, Murray gripes, "Oh, man! This guy's a total freak of nature!"

That's when the Nemesis creature went over and picked Murray up by the throat, choking him out. Now it was Kairi's turn to play heroine. Sprinting like her ride depended on it, she jumped and mounted the Nemesis' back, wrapping her arm around its throat. Thankfully, this caused him to drop Murray.

"How do you like this, you burly bitch-of-a-Sun Chip?!" Kairi screams past her breaking point.

It was hard to tell whether Nemesis hated or loved the chaos due to the fixed expression of lunacy on his face. Without a single trace of remorse, the vile creature takes Kairi and yanks her right into the concrete. Writhing at the monster's feet in agony, the injured princess could only utter, "Yep…gonna need a potion after that."

Suddenly, Murray came barreling into Nemesis, throwing every ounce of his generous bodyweight into the creature's torso. Picking Kairi up bridal-style, Murray made every effort possible to retreat to his van while Nemesis was still grounded.

Kairi got shoved in the passenger seat while Murray made use of the ignition and floored it. Once there, he blasted the jerry-rigged rockets, successfully managing to escape with their lives.

Still pumping with adrenaline, Murray couldn't help but state the obvious, "No offense, but your taste in men is unbelievably questionable!" Earning a pained laugh from the princess, he asked, "Let me guess—you met him at the nightclub?"

"Not exactly, but that is one of the places he tried to kill me," Kairi replies.

"You should know this is an unfriendly side of town…Kairi, was it? Yeah, Capcom is known for letting pure chaos happen with nary a concern for the citizens…so I wouldn't recommend coming here alone, ya know?"

"You said it," the princess chuckled. "Sorry about the melee. I can buy you a health pack if you're hurt."

"Not necessary, ma'am," Murray says nobly. "My friends and I used to kick all kinds of tail back in our heyday. But still, that guy was unusually strong. Stronger than he was ugly."

Laughing some of the soreness away, Kairi closes her eyes and slips a compliment, "You're a funny guy, Murray."

"Happy to help. Now again, where'd you even find that nutcase?"

"Trust me, it's a long, long—"

 _BOOM!_ Something exploded from the rear of the van. They weren't even safe in the air.

"Fuck me," Kairi said for the second time that day.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Oh, fuck me," Aqua echoed unknowingly. She had slayed what she thought was the last swarm of Neo-Shadows until more slowly rose from the blackened earth. Prepared to fight 'til the bitter end, Aqua patiently waited in her battle stance.

Suddenly, a Gummi Ship bearing live cannons entered the scene, mowing down the Heartless like icky weeds. Pulling up right next to Aqua, Sora pops the helm to tell her, "Hop in!"

Using parkour to reach one of the backseats of the cockpit, Aqua inquires, "Hey, where the heck did you find pants?"

"Lemme get back with you on that," Sora curtly replied. "Hang on!"

Sora's ship, the _Highwind_ , took to the dark sky at a high speed. As they soared for an ominous light in the distance, Aqua checks the cabin for anything to cover up her body. Seemingly reading her mind, Sora says, "There's a spare outfit in the back. It's my old one from KH One."

"You're a lifesaver," said Aqua.

Suddenly, a warning alerts from the _Highwind's_ computer system, wailing, "Warning: Humongous Pirate Ship with a bunch of guns, lasers, and high-tech shit now approaching!"

Overdosing on sarcasm, Sora remarks, "What a surprise. Someone wants to kill me."

Squeezing into Sora's red coverall shorts, Aqua added, "Tell me about it. I think skinny-dipping with you is more trouble than it's worth."

Sora's cockiness begot a snide attitude. "You know you wanna do it again."

Unable to zip past her breasts, Aqua settled with throwing the extra-s'medium coat over her exposed bits. Then, she says with a vengeful edge, "Maybe once more."

Right before their eyes, the entire landscape of the Dark World crumbled to pieces, giving way to a sea of rushing magma. This sudden change in scenery invited a banquet of light into the cavern's shadowy walls. What was once a dark pocket of nil had now reformed into a volcanic fissure, burning with orange flames. Even the cavernous ceiling split apart, causing bits and pieces of rock to rain over their Gummi Ship. Then, rising out from the flowing molten rock, that Humongous Pirate Ship mentioned earlier revealed itself, splashing lava in all directions.

The pirate ship made its appearance on the right side of the _Highwind_ , now threatening to ram the smaller vessel. Utilizing some expert steering, Sora maneuvered his ship to the underside of the incoming behemoth, narrowly avoiding collision.

That's when something caught Sora's eye.

There, dangling off the side of the great ship's hull was Sora's jacket from Kingdom Hearts III. Distracted and kind of pissed off at the same time, Sora said, "My coat? How'd that get there?"

"What's the matter?" Aqua asked.

Popping the bubble helm and letting exuberant amounts of air rush past them, Sora commanded, "Take the wheel! I'm going after my coat!"

"Are you crazy?!" Aqua shouts over the rush of air. "It could be a trap!"

"I'll be right back!" Sora replied, leaping from his Gummi Ship to the larger vessel's hull. Going nuts with the parkour skills, Sora scaled the flying boat's architecture until he reached his black and red jacket. After snagging the jacket, Sora vaulted over to the deck, landing amid hordes of pirate-themed Heartless.

Throwing on his opened coat, the battle-scarred and partially shirtless Keyblade Master stood tall and waited for something to leap.

"S'matter?" Sora taunts them. "All of you got stage fright?"

Exiting the captain's stateroom came Captain Hook and Smee, both snarling at the intruder. Brandishing his hook in typical Hook-like manner, the captain in red greeted him, "Look what the croc dragged in! A foolish, fledgling, finless gup without a paddle!"

"Good one, cap'n!" Smee threw in like the ass-bitch he was.

None too concerned with the Heartless surrounding him, Sora hung his Keyblade over the shoulder and said, "I don't have all day, Hook. Come catch this 'L' while I'm still young."

Strongly faking his fear, Captain Hook countered, "Ooooh! I'm so scared! Please don't let this brat bore me to death!"

As the Heartless closed in on Sora, the Master Keyblader calmly replied, "Don't bet on it."

* * *

 **-X-**

"We've been hit!" Murray shouts in terror.

"Please don't hate me for this, Murray!" Kairi began, on the verge of tears again. "But that guy we just gave the slip—he has a rocket launcher!"

Doing his best to steer away from the treacherously-placed skyscrapers, Murray couldn't help giving his analysis on the situation, "You know, I really shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning."

Crashing through a billboard about Crash Bandicoot-brand blue jeans, Murray and Kairi ricocheted into a questionably-placed ramp attached to someone's rooftop, projecting them high into the air at terminal velocity.

Losing complete control of the situation, Murray saw that they were heading straight for the top floor of one tall-ass-hell skyscraper. Covering his ears, the endangered hippopotamus warned Kairi, "Brace for impact!"

If there was ever a time to blast some depressing as hell music while this scene moved in slow motion, now would be a pretty sweet time. Talking Johnny Cash meets Gary Jules levels of depressing.

To be fair, all of this urban vandalism wasn't all Kairi's fault. Not completely, if she had anything to say about it, she'd throw most of the blame on Rude, her idiot boyfriend…whom she chose as her boyfriend. Indeed, she chose that guy, Rude, to be her boyfriend. No one was holding a gun to her head when he walked up to her, bold in his sunglasses and nice suit, complimented her choice of slushy, and asked her out on a date. The young princess was taken by all his tricks and special effects, so much so that she shirked her Kingdom Hearts III cutscene duties. It's a miracle they didn't kill her off in the story. She rather enjoyed all the attention after their unlikely hookup. Notably, she appreciated that he waited for sex (of which he was still waiting for). But the heart of the matter is that she thoroughly appreciates dating someone with authority.

Since they became an item two years ago, Kairi had been to dozens of worlds outside Squeenix's express permission. Thinking back on it, Kairi figured Rude was an amazing guy for doing all that stuff for her without even receiving oral in return. Typically, a guy like this would be classified as instant husband material.

Still, something was amiss. Why was there such an obvious disconnect between them? Kairi didn't have time to find the answer. She was in the middle of crashing through someone's top floor.

Speaking of that top floor, let's see what kind of slack-throat horse-shit was happening minutes prior to the van inviting itself in…

* * *

 **-X-**

The boss of Capcom, enshrouded in shadow, materializes on the giant TV screen. Of the six people in attendance in this super-serious conference room, only one seemed to be intimidated, and that was Chris Redfield. Sure, he'd gone toe-to-toe with bio-organic weapons the size of flippin' yachts, but something about the Capcom higher-ups always sent chills down his spine.

The Capcom boss got straight to the point, "We're in trouble, people. First-person shooters are dominating the market. Sports games continue to have the appeal of water in a desert. Less and less people want to play unique story-driven videogames, and that means your paychecks are going to end up flushed down the toilet with the rest of yesteryear's spicy entrée. Chris Redfield…"

Perking up, Chris responds, "Y-Yes, sir!"

"Your franchise is currently leading in sales of our entire Hype Division, including that T-shirt raffle from the Cyberbots Fullmetal Derby. And you only appeared in _Resident Evil VII's_ main campain for about eight seconds flat. What does that tell you?"

Gulping loudly, Chris gave it his best shot, "That tells me…something."

Sitting across from Redfield at the conference table, Zero, the cyborg dude from those Mega Mario games or whatever, muttered under his breath, "Dumbass…"

The Capcom boss continued, "It _should_ tell you you're being phased out of the survival horror genre. But rest assured, you've got a bright future ahead of you in first-person shooters. That brings me to single-player action games. Dante, I'm looking squarely at you."

Dante, the half-devil half-human, sat reclined in his chair with his feet on the table. Now, this is the white-haired, original Dante (DMC4) we're talking about, so you can probably guess where this conversation's about to go.

Dante scoffed and asserted, "People still play my games. If they don't, they're just bad at videogames." Kicking his feet off the table, the half-devil took a more serious tone, "And don't blame me for crap sales when you're the ones who screwed me over! Does that reboot ring any bells?"

Lo and behold, the topic of the reboot has arisen. Sourly, the boss retorted back, "The reboot sold just fine. Did you forget that it fixes the mistakes of your last game, _Devil May Cry 4_ , which you showed up to thinking it was a western version of _Nymphomaniac_?"

Throwing his arms up in exasperation, Dante complained, "Oh, here we go with the 'half a game' bullshit! Four's battle system was flawless from the ground up, and people loved those cutscenes! Face it, your idea of a reboot was an abortion from the start! You fucked with my image, you fucked with the lore, and now you just plain fucked up."

"Fuck you," hissed the boss.

"Fuck you!" spat back Dante.

"FUCK YOU!" bellowed the boss again, activating some booby trap that chucked a sword across the room. It impaled Dante right through the chest, spraying blood everywhere.

Brushing it off, Dante remarks sarcastically, "Real mature. I'm surprised you didn't make this DLC."

"As I was saying," the ill-tempered boss of Capcom continues, "Fighting games are making a comeback, but not in the way we envisioned. Nowadays, people want to see gore and guts in their fighting games, and that's the reason why Mortal Kombat is dominating the market." Addressing a baby-blue-haired girl with bat wings on her head, the boss said, "Morrigan Aensland, your game is absolute garbage when it comes to sales, but the average gamer finds you easy to masturbate to. And that's why we're keeping you in the next Marvel vs. Capcom game. The same goes for you, Zero."

"Naturally," Zero said arrogantly. Then he got confused. "Wait, were you saying I'm easy to masturbate to, or…?"

Raising her hand like a grade-schooler, Morrigan asks, "Ooh! Ooh! Can I have a game where a bunch of ruffians break into my castle and try to gangbang me and all the maids?"

Right on time, Dante quips, "Or in other words, Tuesday night."

"Moving on," says the boss. "In order to revitalize more interest in Capcom fighters, we'll need Chun Li and Ryu to drop another sex-tape. It's shameless, I know, but these are desperate times."

Not liking that proposal, Chun Li protests, "Ugh! I'm sick of doing sex-tapes with Karate-Man! Where's that guy who eats cherries and chases ghosts for a living?"

Putting his hands together in prayer, Ryu attests, "Worry not. I shall plow Chun Li with honor, Capcom-sama!"

The boss enshrouded in shadow gave his analysis, "We're gonna need a miracle, people—"

 _CRAAAAASH!_ The van exploded through the room's rear window, landing inches away from the conference table.

Once again right on cue, Dante remarks, "This party's gettin' crazy." If there was a camera, he'd literally be winking at it right now.

Chris Redfield shrieks, "What the hell _is_ that thing?!"

"Obviously, it's a van, you simple twit," Zero admonished with an eyeroll.

"Fuck off, Zero," Chris's hiss was accompanied by a gun cock.

Murray and Kairi entered the scene screaming inside the burning van. Seeing that his engine was on fire, Murray advised his still-screaming passenger, "We should probably get out of here."

Practically falling out of the severely damaged vehicle, Kairi crawled on all fours towards the conference table, taking a seat at the structure's end. She perked up, gasped and said, "Whoa, these chairs are cold. Sorry, no panties on."

Morrigan shrugged and said in her Scottish accent, "Well, I'm loving her so far."

Murray also took a seat next to Kairi. He introduced himself with a deadpan expression, "Hi, guys. I'm Murray from _Sly Cooper_."

The boss of Capcom stated the obvious, "Well, this is unprecedented. Is there any reason a girl and her pet hippo have barged in on our meeting?"

"I resent that," said Murray with a frown.

Cranking up the attitude factor, Kairi retaliates, "Uh, yeah! How about 'cuz some deranged monster called Nemesis-or-whatever has been chasing me around town all freakin' day!"

Dante laughed out loud; Chris Redfield, however, took this seriously. "Nemesis is on the loose? Please, ma'am, tell us the last place you saw him!"

"How about somewhere between Hot Hell and my nightmares, you…unusually muscular dude!" In all honesty, Kairi was expecting Nemesis to crash through this room with a B'uber driver of his own. "I don't know, we were flying away from some club when that psychopath shot us down with a bazooka!"

Just then, Murray's van slipped free and fell numerous stories outside the building, falling on who-knows-what. Rolling with the punches at this point, Murray face-palmed and said, "Welp. There's goes our ride. And probably my job."

Standing up in a huff, Zero said, "This is a waste of my time. Let me know when there's actual danger, boss-man. Zero out."

Ryu and Chun Li also followed suit, the former of whom saying as he left through the door, "We'll be working on that sex-tape right away."

"No we won't!" Chun Li called back. "Not without dinner first!"

The Capcom boss also didn't give a fuck. "Now that all the important people have left, I'll be adjourning this meeting early. The rest of you can sort this mess out yourselves. Now fuck off." The giant screen went blank.

Chris, Dante, and Morrigan stayed behind to placate Kairi and Murray. Taking out a first aid kit, Chris decided to be as helpful as ever. "The two of you look like you've been through hell. How 'bout some health packs for those cuts and bruises?"

Kairi asked hesitantly, "I'm not gonna have to give you guys lap dances, am I?"

Throwing her a suave look, Dante jests, "That depends. Are you really going commando, or not?"

Gawking at the half-devil's current state of health, Kairi pointed out in disbelief, "Dude…! Did you know that there's a sword stuck in your chest?"

"Oh. Shit," chuckled Dante, ripping the weapon free and spurting blood all over the place. "Forgot that bad boy was still in there."

Unable to handle the sight of so much blood, Kairi grimaced absurdly before passing out unconscious, also falling on the floor.

Shaking her head, Morrigan coos, "Oh, that poor little angel."

Peeking where the sun don't shine, Dante commented, "She wasn't kidding. She really is going commando."

* * *

 **-X-**

Hacking down the last pirate Heartless, Sora directed his attention to the captain in red currently preparing for one hell of a show. Captain Hook leapt down to the deck and stamped his boot before giving his sword a fancy whirl.

Mimicking the fancy finesse, Sora stamped his shoe and unleashed a pointless flurry of his own.

"Hmph," Hook huffed. Right then and there, Hook initiated a three-sixty spin followed by an upward swipe and a heel-click.

"Heh." Sora smiled. Spinning in place, he gave a skyward slash, jumped, and beat the heels of his shoes together.

"How 'bout these?!" Captain Hook delivered numerous jabs of the blade mere inches from Sora's face, punctuating the flurry with a muscle-man flex of the biceps.

"Ya scared?!" Sora replied with a million stabs of his own, stopping just a hair before Hook's nose. Then, throwing back his coattails, Sora flexed his abdominals with a smirk.

Shouting from the wheel, Smee advised, "Give 'em the monkey wrench, cap'n!"

"Excellent idea, Smee!" Whipping out his most ballistic move yet, Hook tap-danced for five seconds, did the "Single Ladies" march from that one Beyoncé video, busted a move breakdancing that involved a few routines of the worm, and finished with the splits.

Preparing his routine, Sora grabbed his dick, flipped the bird and said, "No thanks."

"What a punk!" retorted Hook.

Immediately the two began whipping their weapons around in a couple of hasty, nigh untraceable flurries, the sound of clanking metal consuming the atmosphere. Their arms and swords were a mix of moving blurs; now moving at a horrifically deadly pace, each individual slash began emitting hot sparks.

Feeling himself take the upper hand, Hook smugly suggests, "Feel free to perish when you've had enough, sonny-boy!"

"Hyaah!" Sora cried, choosing to forfeit the battle of flurries. Taking one step back, Sora grinned brightly as the sea captain's trousers literally fell victim to their high-speed clash. Grinning at Hook's polka dot undies, Sora excused himself, "And my work here is done."

"You tuna-kissin' scallywag!" Hook shouts after the mischievous whippersnapper currently ditching the fight. Running and jumping off the starboard side, Sora dove with the grace of a fighter jet. Captain Hook scrambled to pull his pants up to appropriate altitude, taking a gander over the starboard edge to see Sora land on and reenter his Gummi vessel.

Foaming at the mouth, Captain Hook ordered, "Smee! Ready the cannons! Loose the sails! Make sure we don't lose sight of that brat!"

* * *

 **-X-**

So the dick pills were working pretty swell for Riku. After a quick visit to Cid's garage, Riku's dick was back on the up-n-up. Currently getting sucked off by Rikku in her dorm room, the silver-haired teen couldn't help but mentally congratulate himself for solving his earlier conundrum.

But just then, his phone rang.

"Keep going, it's just Tidus," Riku updated. "Fuck…lemme see what he wants."

"Make it quick!" Rikku said in between slurps.

Answering his phone, Riku starts with, "What, fuck-face?"

"Dude, come out to the courtyard and help me _right now!"_ Tidus cries from the other end.

"C'mon, I'm busy, bro," Riku mutters back irritably.

"But dude, it's Xemnas! And Terra and Ansem! They're picking fights with anyone who's gotta a slutty girlfriend! I'm serious, Riku! These guys just humiliated…uh, some other guy and they stole his girlfriend in front of everyone!"

"What the fuck…?" Riku didn't know what to make of this. "Please tell me this is a prank-call."

"Dude…Ansem hit me with a Destructo Disc while singing Motown songs to Yuna! _And she ate that shit up, man!"_

Finally, something connected in Riku's brain. Halting Rikku's savagery, he pulled his pants back up and said, "I think I know why they're wiling out. It's because of Sora! He fucked Aqua, and now they want revenge! All three of them—they're probably trying to screw anything that moves!"

"Fuckin' A, dude…Oh, shit dude—do you think they killed Sora?" Tidus asked out of the blue.

Eyes bugging wide, Riku felt a cold tremor of remorse. "Oh fuck…I wasn't even thinking about Sora! I mean, I was thinking about him screwing Aqua, but that just made me wanna fuck more sluts than him!"

"Fuck off, I'm right here!" Rikku spat. "Also, I think my gum's on your balls."

"Shit-fuck, shit-fuck," Riku panicked. "Hang on, Tidus! I'm on the way!"


	8. This Chapter Sucks

**Chapter 8: This Chapter Sucks**

Taking the wheel of his locked and loaded pirate ship, Captain Hook called forth more Heartless henchmen to man the _Jolly Roger's_ battle stations, commanding anyone within earshot, "Take aim for that pathetic piece of colorful drift-stowage, lads!"

Racing within a massive and otherworldly cavern, both the _Jolly Roger_ and the _Highwind_ were sailing above a torrent of rushing lava, both headed for a strange light in the distance. Judging by its importance to the plot, it must have been the dark realm's exit.

Back inside the heroes' Gummi ship, Sora was in the middle of gladly losing his sanity.

"Outta my seat!" Sora commands, reclaiming the pilot's chair.

As Aqua stands up, she grumbles, "Well, I'm glad you found your coat."

"Yeah, damn thing gets snagged on everything. Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Ursula in disguise, right now, would you?"

"Who's that?" Aqua didn't perceive any importance in what Sora just asked.

One hand on the steering wheel with the other pointing his bloody weapon at Aqua's face, Sora asked, "Just tell me if you're Ursula."

"Well…that name rings a bell, but I don't think I'm anyone else but me…?" Aqua did her best to answer him earnestly, moving the Keyblade from harm's way.

Guiding the _Highwind_ for the strange light in the distance, Sora asked yet again, "Are you sure you're not that old sea-witch, a person I'm totally fine with watching burn in that lake of lava below?"

Finally realizing the meaning behind Sora's questionable round of questioning, Aqua calmly sat on the arm of the pilot's chair and stated, "Well if I am, I sure hope the flames kill me quickly. Such a woman sounds revolting."

"So then, you don't mind if I kill you here and now, just to be safe?"

"You can try…but we both know I'll be the one watching you burn."

Standing up from his pilot's seat, Sora retaliates accusingly, "That's sounds like the threat of a sea-witch, if I ever heard one!"

Aqua sighed. "Then strike me down if you can, Sora- _kun_!"

"Out of line." Kingdom Key got drawn. "I don't care who you are, no one uses Japanese honorifics on my name! Not without proper localizing, you _hag_!"

Summoning her…or Eraqus' Keyblade, whatever it's called, Aqua went on the offensive, growling, "You watch your tongue, you little _beach bum_!"

Sora offered his counterproposal, sticking out his tongue, "I bet you wanna watch it for me. How 'bout it, Aqua?"

Trying to keep a level head, the blue-haired Keyblade Master remarked on the situation, "I see you've let the darkness get to you. Right about now, you probably don't know who to trust or what to believe. That's what happens when you safeguard the light without allies, Sora. You think you're the only one fighting shadows? Guess again!"

"Heh." Sora's eyes turn yellow. "Screw the light." Brown hair goes jet-black. "I just want to make you suffer."

"Sora…don't do this."

Sora's Kingdom Key flashed briefly before turning into his darker counterpart's weapon, the Void Gear. No longer the guardian of light, at least not at the moment, the warrior formerly known as Sora smirked before admitting, "You know what's the best perk about dwelling in the dark for so long? Even the shadows calls me 'master.'"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well…" The fixture of his face mask materialized around his smirking face like a metal mane; the black and red, totally edge-lord bodysuit also scorched into existence, mystically replacing Sora's own outfit right then and there. Now fully transfigured, the emerging dweller of darkness continued, "…let's find out."

One swipe of the Keyblade later and the _Highwind's_ entire bubble helm shattered from existence. Protecting herself from the countless shards with a Reflect spell, Aqua shouts, "Nice going, now we have no windshield! Happy with yourself, Lord of the Edge?"

The rushing wind of the Dark World dared to uproot them both. Meanwhile, the gigantic _Jolly Roger_ sailed up beside their vessel, brandishing a crap-ton of cannons seconds away from lighting that shit up. Shouting from the captain's hull, Hook did his usual bad guy thing, "Say your last words, scallywags! I'm about to _light that shit up!"_

Unconcerned, Sora's evil twin locked swords with Aqua, quickly taking the upper hand and pushing her back against the ship's controls. This caused the _Highwind_ to fly upward, narrowly missing a thundering volley of cannon fire. Veering across the _Jolly Roger's_ deck, the _Highwind's_ wing shaved some of the Heartless crew overboard before crashing into a mast.

Once again locking his blade with Aqua's, Vanitas taunted, "Looks like Sora's all grown up, now."

"Stop it! You have to fight him, Sora!" Aqua sliced and broke their sword-lock, allowing herself to lunge at the cocky Key-Kid and swipe at his spiky head.

Swaying with shadowy finesse, Vanitas dodged and threw his attacker to the deck of the _Jolly Roger_. "You're gonna need more training." He jumped down to meet her, standing dominant before her.

Going back on the retaliation, Aqua unleashed a flurry of critical strikes, all of which cut straight through the pockets of air surrounding Vanitas' face, neck, and upper body. Frustration growing by the second, Aqua bellowed, "Come on and fight!"

Watching the dueling Keybladers from a safe distance, Captain Hook commented to Smee, "Maybe they'll wear themselves out and save us the trouble of using any effort."

Not passing up the opportunity to kiss some major ass, Smee replied, "Excellent idea! That sounds like a pro-strat if I ever heard one, Cap'n!"

Hook turned and looked at his one-and-only Smee. He muttered, "Smee, I love you."

"What?"

"Nothing."

The humongous pirate ship, now carrying a crashed Highwind aboard its deck, had finally reached the ominous light at the end of the Dark World's lava tunnel, illuminating everyone's vision like a never-ending flash grenade.

Screaming in agony, Vanitas covered his face while hacking wildly at anything nearby, practically shredding up any wandering Heartless. Aqua instinctively jumped to safety, landing between Captain Hook and Smee. Finally, the blinding light subsided, giving way to an impossible view of an infinite stretch of outer space. If you're about to ask how they're breathing, then allow me to distract you.

Meanwhile, Captain Hook took note of Aqua's sudden appearance. "Look, Smee! It's a girl!"

Nodding in agreement, Smee said, "That, it is, Cap'n."

"Quickly, Smee! Get her phone number and set me up a date!" Hook commanded not two feet away from Aqua.

Just then, Aqua leapt from her position, narrowly avoiding a dark fireball which engulfed, fried, and sautéed Hook and Smee.

Set on fire and painfully burning alive, Hook shrugged and said, "All in all, this was a pretty good cameo."

"I love you too, Cap'n," Smee added.

The magic flame began spreading at a nigh-unquenchable speed over the _Jolly Roger_. After a series of wall-jumps along the ship's mast, Aqua found herself loftily afloat above the giant vessel, which was halfway ablaze, now aiming her Keyblade down at Vanitas' approaching form.

With one horizontal swipe, Vanitas shattered three incoming Blizzard spells, flying right up to exchange Keyblade strikes with the airborne magic user. Of course, the physics were floatier in outer space, so now their skirmish was beginning to resemble something from Dissidia. Look, another distraction!

Clashing hard enough to push Aqua backward, Vanitas smiles and smugly declares, "This ends when you die, so just give up now!

"Not gonna happen, Edge Almighty! Like it or not, I'm bringing Sora back!"

A colossal star loomed in the orange-tinted background, partially obscuring Vanitas' smile with shadows. "You can't bring someone back if they never left."

"Hmph…take this!" Aqua launched her Mark of Mastery move, shooting a torrent of golden chains that immediately seized Vanitas and slammed him into the _Jolly Roger's_ deck below. Dashing for the grounded dweller of darkness, Aqua made a motion to stab Vanitas through the chest, but suddenly…

Vanitas caught the Keyblade with both hands, now pleading for his life, "Okay, okay, okay—that's enough, Aqua! You passed the test! Now, please don't hurt me!"

Watching Sora's blue eyes and brown hair return, Aqua relented her attack. "What the…?"

Even Sora's clothes returned to normal. Cautiously standing up to his feet again, Sora explained, "Yeah, sorry about the charade—I just had to be sure you were the real you."

Relieved and slightly ticked at the same time, Aqua asked, "Well, couldn't you notice I'm using a Keyblade?"

"Well, that's the thing—I did, but by then, I was spoilin' for a fight to keep things interesting."

She scoffed. "Sora…how long have you been able to do that?!"

Walking towards the crashed Gummi ship, Sora answered casually, "What, the Vanitas thing? It's a long story. Maybe the next Kingdom Hearts game will explain it." Nah, that's not happening. "Oh, wait! One more thing!" Sora jogged past the spreading flames and headed into the captain's stateroom, which was also on fire.

Aqua protested, "Sora, what are you doing—you're gonna get burned alive!"

Almost as soon as he'd entered, Sora came right back out the captain's stateroom, now carrying a sizeable, brand new bubble helm fit for the _Highwind_. "Yep, just gonna take this—"

"What the—? How'd you know that was even in there?"

Sighing, Sora explained, "They're pirates, remember? There was bound to be some kind of loot that could help us out."

The flames were rising; with a sense of urgency, Aqua suggested, "Well, can we change that thing out later? We're about to die here!"

"Nonsense, Aqua! This'll only take a second! Now let's see, first I gotta unhook latch A and loosen these bolts…"

Many flames closed in on Aqua, to the point that her only refuge was to jump up on the Gummi ship's nose for safety. Apparently drained of magic, Aqua swiped at the flames while screaming at Sora, "I am gonna kill you if we die here, Sora!"

Wiping sweat from his brow, Sora exclaimed, "Whew! Maybe I should see if they have a spare A.C.?"

"FUCK YOU, SORA!"

"Fine." Slapping the new bubble helm into place and kicking it secure, Sora hopped into the repaired vessel and fired it up, urging Aqua, "C'mon, let's get out of this dump before it burns down!"

Setting aside her teeth-grinding agitation, Aqua followed him into the ship and took a seat on the pilot chair's armrest once again. They flew away to safety, leaving the _Jolly Roger_ to burn into crumbling pieces of space slag.

Manning the controls, Sora said, "Well, that was pretty fun. _Highwind,_ show me some Kuposts."

"Opening Kupo+," a feminine voice replied. With a Moogle's familiar jingle, a transparent Moogle logo appeared right in the middle of the bubble helm's windshield. Sora's Gummi ship had gone through some high-tech remodeling, hence the artificial intelligence and windshield browsing.

"Do you really need all these distractions?" asked Aqua.

"Hey, zip it, you're distracting me," Sora issued, navigating through recent Kuposts and making sure to deliver little hearts on each and every upload. "Let's see, cool sword, cool sword, sweet gun, sweet _guns_ …nice bike, nice bike indeed."

Most of Sora's Kupo+ feed involved pictures and videos of deadly weapons and sexy rides. Just then, his windshield-screen displayed a selfie of Terra Branford on her way to the gym.

Sora pondered out loud, "I should see how she's doing." Throwing her a heart, he typed out a message in her DM's, "Just gotta new pair of gym shorts. We should go together next time so I could show em off." Send.

"Are you finished?" Aqua asked with a bad attitude.

"Oh, I'm far from finished," said Sora, scrolling past Terra's pic. Just then, he palmed his forehead due to the idiocy of the next picture; the partially-shirtless Keyblader pointed to the screen and said, "Check it out. We aren't the only ones struggling with survival. Look who else is in trouble."

"Oh, wow. Any chance that girl's faking her turmoil?"

"Yeah, I wish." Sighing, Sora replied, "Tell ya what. I'll give her a call."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Wait, wait, wait—start over," Dante commanded. "Dr. Doom and Magneto? The hell were they doing with a stolen science project, anyhow?"

Chris Redfield tentatively corrected the half-devil, "Nemesis is more than just a science project, Dante. He's a relentless monster who, if left unchecked, could bring the fall of civilization as we know it."

"In other words, he's Morrigan's prom date." Dante shrugged. "Besides, I've seen him fight. Guy's clearly not used to squaring up with devil arms, that's for sure."

Glad to be healed of her injuries, Kairi piped up, "Well, please tell me someone has a plan to kill the bat-rastard—I don't want to see him pop up in anymore of my nightmares."

Strolling through the inner city of Capcom Headquarters, all five Videogame Superstars were keeping a keen eye out for anything lugging a rocket launcher in broad daylight. Leading the way was Chris Redfield with a fully-loaded handgun, followed by Kairi and Dante. Murray and Morrigan picked up the rear, all strolling on the crowded sidewalk.

Dante, in his Devil May Cry 4 outfit for the uninitiated, lightly patted his chest before declaring, "Worry not, babe. The situation is now under my control."

Shuddering a bit, Kairi retorts, "Don't call me 'babe.'"

Going devilish, Dante amended, "Hmm…how about 'sexy little wildfire' instead?"

She felt…something within. Blushing a bit, she attempted to chastise him, "Do…do I have to put you in timeout?"

"Ooh, baby…" Dante threw her another smoldering look. Rubbing his stubbly chin, he added, "You can put me here, there…anywhere you want."

Just then, Kairi's phone rang. Breathing a sigh of relief before the pheromone went airborne, she told the fawning suitor, "Just cool it, will ya? That's probably my boyfriend…" Whipping her phone out, she gasped at the name on her screen. "What does _he_ want?

It had to be Sora. If it wasn't him, it'd be a hitman. On one hand, she was happy at least one of her so-called friends had decided to check on her. Then again, she _was_ still ticked off about this whole Aqua situation. And how was it that Sora had called her phone before Rude's name popped up at any point today? There was absolutely nothing predictable about this lousy day, and it was bothering the living heck out of her. Despite the internal conflict, Kairi hit "answer."

Pretending to not know the caller, Kairi asked, "Who's this?"

"Don't even play with me, you gutter-mouth diva," Sora's voice returned, raspy from lack of sustenance. "You know why I'm calling. Tell me you didn't actually get your pale ass lost in Capcom's territory."

"Hey, you watch how you talk to me, you…douchebag!" Kairi chastised, not quite achieving the intended effect.

Gradually, everyone in the Nemesis-search-and-destroy party stopped walking and waited for the princess to complete her phone call. Some, namely Dante and Morrigan, were even listening in on the fiery exchange.

"Excuse me, princess!" Sora retorts through the line, mimicking a certain other hero. All my nerds know where that's from. "I'm only checking up on you to make sure you're not dead 'cuz I care like that!"

"Oh? Well I'm glad you found the time to call me while you were plowing your new slut-bucket, Sora! That's right, I saw _it_!"

Still sitting on Sora's armrest, Aqua sang into the Gummi ship's phone receiver, "Hi, Kairi! _Don't make me cut your throat, bitch."_

Gasping, the P.O.'d princess yelled, "What, are you two still in bed? Why don't you call back when you're done being a couple of horn-dogs?"

Losing his patience, Sora fires back, "What's your issue with that, anyway? Did you forget you have a boyfriend of your own, one who takes you real special places and drives a nice car?"

"Don't be mad because Rude's a good person, Sora!" Kairi proclaimed. "You might remember being one yourself if you stopped trying to be like Riku all the time!"

"Okay, now you're just pulling crap from thin air, which I'm guessing has gotten to your brain _IF_ you still have one."

"Fuck you, Sora! Just…just come get me, okay?" Kairi finally conceded. "I know I don't have the right to be asking favors—"

"Thank you," Sora interrupted, calming down a bit.

"But I've had a seriously shitty day. Stupid Rude almost killed us in a car wreck, I had to hang-glide naked into some weird-ass world, and now I've been getting chased nonstop by some monster who won't keep his hands to himself! Sora, I…I just want to go home, okay?"

"Hold on. You went naked hang-gliding without me?" Sora repeated, short of breath.

"I did it to survive, Sora!" decreed Kairi.

Just then, Dante reentered the conversation, "I love a quick-thinking woman."

"Seriously, something in this fucked-up world is going to rape me if you don't come soon!" Kairi pled.

More excited than ever, Dante stated, "Wow, you are _extra_ kinky!"

"Well, you sound like you're with the right people," observed Sora. "I'm guessing you haven't called Rude, yet."

"Ugh, no. I tried calling a B'uber driver, but his car got shot down by a bazooka."

"Cheery. Oh, in case you were wondering, I'm just escaping the Realm of Darkness, thanks for asking."

"What the—? How'd you end up there?"

"I'll explain when I get there. Just sit tight."

Sora ended the call.

Staring at her phone, Kairi finally realized something. "Fuck, I'm selfish."

"At least you have your looks," Dante pointed out. "Speaking of which, are you a natural redhead, or is it different colors in different places?"

Chris Redfield urged the search party, "I'd like to get a move on, people. The sooner we find Nemesis, the better."

Murray piped up, "Also, F.Y.I., I'm currently waiting for a friend to pick me up, so I might be leaving the search earlier than expected."

"That's all right with us, Murray," Chris assured. "Just make sure you get your vehicle fixed. I'd hate for you to lose your job over this mess."

"Way ahead of you," the pink hippo replied. "My insurance covers monsters with rocket-launchers."

Morrigan stated in her usual sultry tone, "My, oh my, Mister Murray. I admire the way you deal with negative circumstances. You really put it all in stride."

"Trust me, this sort of thing takes practice."

* * *

 **-X-**

"You need more practice, Tidus!" Xemnas heckled. "Didn't anyone teach you how to properly handle an epic-beatdown?"

"Just lemme go, you pilfering psychopath!" Tidus strained with a hand around his throat.

Xemnas had the struggling youth dead to rights in a chokehold, displaying an impressive amount of strength by keeping Tidus elevated above the ground. Though the boy was disarmed of his sword, he still attempted a fiery magic spell in his right hand. Noticing this, Xemnas chuckled, "Not so fast."

 _SKRRRSH!_ The powerful Nobody impaled Tidus with an ethereal blade, which mimicked the effect of a lightsaber going through a person's chest.

"OH, THE PAIN!" Tidus cried.

"Xemnas!" came Riku's voice.

Entering the beautiful courtyard in front of Destiny Dormitory, Riku sprinted on the scene with his Keyblade drawn. From what he could immediately observe, Riku guessed Ansem, Xemnas, and Terra had been wreaking havoc unchallenged for the past twenty minutes; bodies of countless defeated boyfriends and wannabe pimps littered the once safe haven, most suffering lightsaber and Keyblade wounds alike.

Watching Tidus get thrown to the ground, Riku glowered at the smirking leader of the Organization. Pointing his Keyblade like an accusing finger, Riku challenged, "Your reign of jealousy ends here, Xemnas!"

Suddenly, someone landed on their feet behind the young warrior. Whirling around, Riku came face to face with the Seeker of Darkness, who forced his gloved palm into Riku's chest.

Sent tumbling across the manicured grass, Riku rolled to a halt by Xemnas' boots. The head Nobody in charge uttered antagonistically, "Whatever jealousy I lose you shall gain, Riku. Tell me, how many women have you taken advantage of just today, thinking yourself to be some sort of king by the way you swap favors for other favors?"

Clutching his aching chest, Riku attempted to clarify, "Dude, I'm just gettin' laid!"

"Hmph." Stamping his boot down on one side of Riku's face, Xemnas continued, "Your promiscuousness serves to disrupt the balance of Light and Dark. And with this disassembly of opposite factors comes a great purge on the rise. Tell me, Riku. Have you spoken with Sora today?"

Face turning red under Xemnas' boot, Riku sputtered, "I—I—no, I haven't!"

"Hmph. And you're supposed to be allies."

Releasing his boot, Xemnas proceeded to pick Riku up by his throat, holding him in place until Ansem's frightening pet Heartless appeared behind the boy, taking him by the ribs in its clutches. The sneering guardian tightened his grip until he drew blood from the boy's trapped torso, earning screams of agony.

"Lemme go! I'm not even the one who screwed Aqua!" Riku shrieked.

Levitating in front of Riku, Ansem started talking like an evil dude, "And still, you concern yourself with your own wellbeing, and not Sora's. What about _him_ , Riku?"

Growling like a rabid animal, Riku said, "If you killed him, I swear I won't rest until you're dead!"

Then something creepy happened; both Ansem and Xemnas started laughing in unison. The unnatural octaves coupled with their twisted smiles chilled Riku to the bone.

Shaking his head, Riku tried keeping his sanity intact, begging, "Stop it…stop laughing!"

"You have no power," Ansem, Seeker of Darkness, started. "What makes you think you can see us dead, let alone kill us?"

"Perhaps one of your bimbos has the answer," Xemnas added.

Behold, a corridor of darkness opened before Riku; levitating out of the way, Ansem gave Riku an unobstructed view of the swirling mass of darkness. There, emerging from the corridor was Olette, bent over with her ass facing the portal. She was moaning in pure ecstasy and also completely naked.

Emerging from the portal directly behind Olette, and apparently giving her the business doggy-style, was Terra the troubled Keyblader turned public enemy.

"Oh, Terra! Don't stop!" Olette cried, not even aware of her surroundings.

Slapping her ass and stroking like his reputation depended on it, Terra only uttered softly, "You're mine, baby…"

Still trapped in the Guardian's death-grip, Riku sobbed, "I don't even know what's happening anymore!"

"We'll leave you two in peace," said Ansem, dismissing the dark corridor completely.

After Terra and Olette left the scene, Xemnas sauntered over to the captive youth, grinning evilly before saying, "Sora's darkness rivals his light. A boy of such innocence and purity…beguiled by his own naivety which governed his love of friendship. Though his light continued to burn strong, it was only a matter of time before his darkness took the wheel. Just take a look at your own deeds. Even Kairi plays the harlot. Just to retain his sense of self, Sora was bound to accept his darkness. Do you remember when you revealed to him what you and Kairi were doing the night of the storm?"

Breathing hard, Riku repeated, "…The storm?"

 _SKRRRSH!_ Xemnas drove his ethereal blade straight through Riku's abdomen.

" _DAAAH! You filthy, fuckin', Vader-jockin', Earthworm-Jimmin' bastard!"_ Riku screeched.

Slowly removing the heated blade, Xemnas continued, "You and Kairi went to the secret place for intercourse. When Sora found you, the deed had already been done, and Kairi's lost heart found itself protected in his innocence. That boy went on with his adventure assuming the two of you were merely checking on the raft you'd worked so hard to build. But the day you told him the truth marked the beginning of Sora's final ascension into darkness."

"It's not my fault Kairi wanted me more," Riku sputtered before coughing up blood. "Sora was too immature for that! I was doing him a favor!"

"Then consider this a thank you," Ansem said with a sneer.

Just then, the Guardian callously tossed Riku to the ground. Once again tumbling in the dirt, Riku skidded to a halt next to one of the defeated boyfriends of the courtyard, the lead protagonist of FF IX to be exact. Recognizing the blonde-haired monkey-boy, Riku greeted him weakly, "Hey…how's it hangin', Zidane?"

Coughing like a feeble sick patient, the wisecracking hero from Final Fantasy IX answered, "It's hangin' pretty low, Riku. Also…these guys are assholes."

Laughing, Riku clutched his open wound and said, "Well…I guess it's all relative."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Hey…what do you think we should do about Terra?" Sora asked after a deep reverie. "You know, when we get back from Capcom? I was just thinking, he could still be dangerous."

"Terra? Dangerous? What are you talking about?" Aqua's response mirrored her confusion.

"Oh, shit…that's right. You weren't there. The whole reason we're here is because Terra, Xemnas, and Ansem all got jealous and left us here for dead."

"We're here because of _them?!"_ Aqua repeated, dumbfounded.

"Yeah. They met up with me shortly after I dropped in. And I have Terra to thank for this Keyblade scar, and believe me, I'm gonna have to pay him back."

"You're telling me that meathead actually stabbed you…? Sora, don't take this the wrong way, but do you think that means he still loves me?"

With a scoff, hiss, and pshaw, Sora snorted and retorted, "Tch…yeah, he loves you like Hook loves Smee. So that's a butt-load o' love, lady."

"You're tellin' me…" Aqua remembered his earlier query. "Oh, and to answer your question, yeah they're probably betting on our return from the dark realm. We have to make sure we go back with a game plan."

"Nah, not necessary," said Sora with confidence. "I'm just gonna find all three and stab 'em in the face!"

"Sora, that's crass! At least stab them through their bleeding hearts beforehand to give them a mostly painless death."

"I'll consider it."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Now, I'm not the kind of guy who's into sex dolls, but if they made one looking like you, I might have to consider some online shopping." Dante said that.

"Seriously," Kairi began, looking nauseous. "Stop talking before I puke."

"That's okay with me," Dante countered. "Puke is nature's way of saying 'I love you long time'."

Morrigan floated in between them, "Dante! Just back off the poor lass. She's clearly enamored by someone else."

"Actually my name's Dante. This 'someone else' person is gonna have to wait in line."

Chris Redfield warned the rest of his party, "The less distractions the better. Nemesis could attack from literally any angle, so we need to stay alert."

Morrigan nodded in agreement. "Great idea. Kairi, you mind if we speak privately, love?"

Choosing to lag behind the group, Morrigan and Kairi walked a few steps behind them. The light blue-haired succubus addressed the matter, "I'm not one-hundred percent certain of the exact reason why, but Dante has been foolishly showing you his weakness since you showed up, and it's a tad out of character for him."

"Seriously, does that guy want me that bad?" Kairi asked. "I'm not even kidding—one more pickup line and, you know…I'm totally gonna 'drop his ass,' yo!"

"That was awful, sweet pea—leave that gangster rubbish alone. Anyhow…" Hesitant but truthful, Morrigan slowly informed the younger princess, "Yes…he's a really charming guy once he pulls his head from his ass."

"Would it help if I kicked him in the balls?" Kairi suggested.

Glancing back at the conversing pair, Dante hollered, "Hey! Quit fightin' over me and get back to searching!"

"That shouldn't be necessary," Morrigan surmised, though not entirely confident. "But any cost, please know Dante will die if you break his heart."

"Wait, what?" That didn't compute with the redheaded girl. "Death…by heartbreak?"

"Yes, and it's a voraciously agitating task bringing him back to life. I have to go all the way back to his hideout, break in through the window and fish out a Gold Orb from his closet. Plus, it always stinks in there—ugh, it's a thankless chore. Just know there's a fragile lover deeply rooted in Dante. He can take being stabbed, shot, Falcon-punched, and even food-poisoned, but I've never seen him closer to death than when he's heartbroken. And judging by the way he looks at you, I can tell he _doesn't mind dying_ for you, lassy. Honestly, that makes me a bit envious, Kairi."

Stunned by all this information, Kairi answered slowly, "Yeah? Well…if I could trade places, you can be _my_ guest."

"Just remember, Kairi. Dante's all about fun and games, so please play nice…without killing him."

Suddenly, Chris alerted the whole group, "Nemesis spotted at nine o'clock! Be prepared for a fight!"

Indeed, the lumbering weapon of a fiend had entered the team's field of view, parading its bazooka in front of a pizza place across the street. At the moment, it appeared to be scanning the inside of the restaurant for anything resembling Kairi, presumably unaware of the search party planning its attack.

Shaking his head in dread, Dante noted, "Of course, it _had_ to be in front of a pizza place. MY pizza place. As if these guys needed more excuses to run late with my orders!"

Morrigan shushed her grumbling comrade, "Quiet, Dante! You'll blow our cover!"

"At least somethin's gettin' blown around here," said the white-haired devil. Clapping his hands and pretty much disrespecting the meaning of stealth, Dante called over to the lumbering oaf, "Hey! Neme-sissy! Come have a word, will ya?"

Eyes bulging wide, Chris cursed his comrade, "Dante, you fucking idiot! You're gonna get us killed!"

"Clearly, he's not concerned," Kairi concluded, accepting death was yet again upon her.

Nemesis faced the no-longer-sneaky group of five, screaming that lovely word for the whole world to hear. It's also worth noting Nemesis had his rocket launcher currently equipped, now aiming it straight at the youngest member of the search party.

Whistling loud enough to draw attention from the other pedestrians, Dante continued taunting the monster, "Let's not get trigger-happy, Nimrod! We just want to have some good, clean fun!"

"If he ruins my dress, you're paying for a new one," Kairi muttered to Dante.

"Better yet, gimme your dress now, and I'll buy ya one later," Dante counter-suggested, staring her dead in the chest-bumps.

Quickly intervening, Morrigan stated in disbelief, "I can't believe you're supposed to be the man people trusted to babysit a ten-year-old girl for twelve episodes of _anime_ ,"

Getting down to business, Dante cracked his knuckles, beat his chest, and prepared for a good old fashioned showdown. Responding to Morrigan's previous statement, he said, "Hey, once that girl's legal, she knows she's free game."

"STARS!" Nemesis bellowed before launching one piping hot explosive rocket in Kairi's direction.

Gasping, Kairi felt herself get pushed aside by Dante, catching her balance in the safety of Chris Redfield's arms. And dude, he totally lifts.

"Showtime!" Dante goaded, standing directly in the path of the oncoming rocket. Falling back slightly, the energetic devil caught hold of the projectile in both hands, hitching a wild ride that resulted in a superfluous flight around the metro-area.

"Now _this_ is pod-racing!" Dante quipped, nearly colliding into streetlights, lampposts, a dinosaur citizen, and even Nemesis himself, all for the sake of quoting Anakin Spockwalker from Trek Wars.

"Woo-hoo! _Never_ tell me the odds!" Dante quipped again, revealing no shortage of quippage.

Morrigan hissed, "Knock it off, Dante! You're going to get us _sued_!"

Kairi added, "She's right! Disney doesn't screw around!"

After reaching a stunning fifty feet in the air, Dante aimed the rocket for a billboard advertising Pope Rodrigo Borgia from Assassin's Creed II. Before it exploded in a million pieces, it read something about "Seek God, For God Watches All" or something of that ilk.

Gracefully flipping back down to earth, Dante landed next to Kairi again, quick-drawing his white handgun, the lovely Ivory, and quipping like he's never quipped before, "Something about hokey religions and my blaster running hot. Oh, yeah!"

 _Bang! Bang! Bang!_ Dante fired thrice in the air.

Offering her sincerest opinion, Kairi muttered with an eye roll, "I'm pretty sure they'll let you keep that one, Dante."

He dusted off his coat and addressed the monster across the street, "You get one of those for free, Nincompoop. Next one's going back at you in a _really_ _tight-fit."_

Now enraged with Dante, Nemesis growled at the half-demon. He lowered his bazooka and began walking slowly into traffic; numerous cars and buses screeched to a halt due to the hulking obstruction, some rear-ending other vehicles amid the confusion. And then some Premium Rush dude on a bike veered off path and crashed right into the monster, flipping out of control. He had a helmet, of course. But still, the guy landed squarely on a street performer juggling cans of gasoline and a couple of torches. The resulting explosion blew both their asses away.

"Talk about stepping on a rake," Morrigan pointed out.

Finally crossing the street, Nemesis glared at the group of five currently standing their ground. Better end the chapter here. Told ya!


	9. The Hunting Party

**Chapter 9: This Chapter Also Sucks**

Nah, just kidding. I'll let you decide.

 **Chapter 9: The Hunting Party**

Lying on the ground in pain, Riku felt as if he'd be taking his last breaths here. Amazing how his day could go from pure winning to straight-up catastrophe in a matter of minutes. Motionless as he stared toward the manufactured heavens, Riku choked on a laugh before saying, "Sora…this is all your fault. And I'm so proud of you."

Bearing the anguish of a lightsaber-hole in his abdomen, Riku sat up and glanced around the battleground. Calling out to the countless defeated suitors teeter-tottering on the brink of death, Riku weakly asked, "Hey, does anyone have any Potions…Mega Potions? I'll trade ya for some dick pills!"

"No thanks, kiddo," said Cid, chopped in half from the waist down just a few mangled bodies away from Riku, who guessed the grizzled pilot from Final Fantasy VII got totally Darth Maul'd by either Xemmy's lightsaber-hands or An-sam's Destructo Discs. The man's torso was over here while his legs were over there, real gruesome stuff _but_ a humorous image nonetheless. Laughing at his own split state of duality, Cid added, "In fact, you can take the rest of my Dick Dax. I probably won't be needing them for a while."

Perking up a bit, Riku asked, "Really? You got them on you right now?"

Sighing irritably, Cid replies, "Yeah, kid. They're over there…in my ass-pockets."

"Heh, don't mind if I do," said Riku, dragging himself along the ground with the speed of a turtle. "Hey, I'll try to pay you back as soon as I grab some gil from my job."

"Don't worry about it, kid," Cid said with a roll of the eyes.

Crawling past the dude from Deus Ex, Adam Jenkins or whatever, (he got eviscerated or some shit) Riku insisted, "Nah man, once I get healed, I'll even let you use some points off my Sandwich card. That's a promise!"

Overdosing on the sarcasm, Cid responded, "Goodie-gumdrops…some sandwich points? Golly-gosh you're a lifesaver, Riku!"

Finally reaching Cid's legs, Riku said, "Hey man, anything for a friend! Especially one I respect and look up to!"

"Yeah, look up to _this!"_ Cid said with an evil edge.

Still somehow controlling his detached legs, Cid swung his right foot across Riku's face, a fair punishment for an apparently adequate amount of roaching selfishness.

"AH!" Riku shrieked. "You prehistoric dickhead!"

Giving Riku one more kick for good measure, Cid shouted, "Oh, and my Dick Dax just skyrocketed in price! Sixty gil for a quarter-piece, you little shit-stain! _Hi-yah!"_

* * *

 **-X-**

The hunt for Nemesis had taken them to the midway point between Capcom's Confidant Tower and the cheap nightclub Kairi left her, ahem, mark on. Buildings took up most of the scenery, all of them carved from a freeform pattern and glowing with various product placement. What shocked Kairi was the wide-open space for pedestrians to walk; they practically had their own parking lot to work with. The only "streets" cars drove on were thin strips of uncolored pavement running between buildings and long stretches of sidewalk.

Nemesis stood amidst the wreckage he had caused, snarling with slimy teeth at the small group of heroes.

"Kairi, get somewhere safe!" Chris commanded, aiming for the beast's head. "We might be lookin' at some serious collateral damage, so don't assume anywhere is too safe!"

"Relax, Redfield" said Dante, superman-posing like the body count was nonexistent. "I doubt the lady wants to miss out on all the fun."

Morrigan took this opportunity to sneak up behind said lady and pinch her cheeks, much to the girl's annoyance. Sounding like a protective mother, she added, "Trust me, dearie. I won't let anything happen to my sweet little angel."

"Pleesh let go," Kairi requested, on the verge of gaining a criminally oversized smile.

"Stars…" Nemesis uttered.

Rolling up his already-rolled-up sleeves, Murray said rather awkwardly, "You may have bested me in battle once before, but now The Murray has returned to unleash his vengeance upon…thee!"

Unable to control his laughter, Dante teased, "Now, _that's_ some poetic justice! Is that what you call yourself, 'The Murray'? Oh, man—I love it!" Clutching the hilt of his sword, Dante strolled right up in front of the monstrous mercenary, settling into some fighting-words, "Guess what, Gorgeous? Today's your lucky day! You're gonna get thrashed by _The Murray_ AND _The Dante!"_

Morrigan exclaimed, still holding Kairi's face, "Remember to save a little fun for the rest of us, boys!"

"GRRRR—STARS!" Nemesis suddenly screams in pure animosity.

The Nemesis creature swiped at Dante's head, missing his target due to the half-devil's quick reflexes. Choosing not to attack, Dante instead threw another quip for the sake of being a cocky connoisseur of all things contentious.

"I can tell already you're gonna get way too clingy around me!" This was Dante's expert analysis.

Swiping again, Nemesis missed yet another opportunity to crush the Son of Sparda's cranium.

Weaving around the gorilla-sized goon, Dante shook his head and insulted his opponent, "Hey, at least you've got the circus. Everyone loves a little freak show."

"Jush kill him already!" Kairi shrieked in anger. Also, she screamed at Morrigan, "And let go of my faysh!"

"Never," the succubus purred.

Meanwhile, Chris Redfield shouted, "I have a clear shot! Opening fire!"

KRACK! KRACK! KRACK! The shots didn't miss; all three bullets were absorbed into Nemesis' skull, almost like his flesh was made of gelatin. Barely even flinching, the monster turned its lethal attention to the former Stars officer, hurling an especially wet tentacle around Redfield's neck; then pulling him in for a follow up attack.

"Not so fast!" Murray shouted. Grabbing hold of the slippery appendage, the pink hippo halted Redfield's capture and attempted to separate the cord with brute strength alone. Receiving help from the entangled BSAA soldier, Murray and Chris worked together to effectively rupture the tentacle, freeing the latter male.

Definitely impressed, Kairi strained beneath Morrigan's facial grasp, "Aweshome work, guysh!"

Definitely disgusted, Dante remarked, "Okay, no one told me this guy was packin' tentacles." Narrowly dodging a monstrous backhand, Dante trick-dashed backward and drew his sword, Rebellion. "Guess what, Beautiful? You're officially on my shit-list."

Emptying more shots with the accuracy of a needle-pin, Chris continued his firearm assault, drawing a ton of attention from surrounding citizens. Quickly, The Murray picked up and slammed a trash can over Nemesis's head, effectively blinding the enemy. To finish off the team-volley, Dante hurled himself forward in a stabbing motion, performing his trademark Stinger move with ease. Right before the tip of his blade connected, Dante unleashed a million-stab flurry of critical strikes to the overwhelmed creature's body, spilling quarts of blood all over the street.

With a final Stinger-stab, Dante sent the monster careening into an onlooker's stationary vehicle. The driver had been fumbling with his keys, and—yeah, that guy's dead. But not Nemesis.

Meanwhile, Kairi was practically begging to be let off the hook, though Morrigan wouldn't budge. Cheeks red from the abuse, Kairi tried reasoning with her, "I don't shee the point of thish, Morrigan!"

Standing behind her with both hands pinching either side of the princess' face, Morrigan said, "Just pretend I'm giving you a magic face-lift, my young tiger lily. Besides, isn't it more fun to watch the men work themselves out?"

"Maybe it would be if you gave my faysh back!" Kairi retorted. "I…I can't tell if you're a bitch or jush plain crazhee!"

Giggling, Morrigan stated, "It's all relative, dearie."

"Move your feet!" Dante warned everyone in earshot.

"Hit the dirt!" Chris Redfield shouted.

Apparently, Nemesis was gearing up to fire another rocket, this time aiming for both Morrigan and Kairi. Firing without a second's hesitation, Nemesis was determined to kill his target one way or another.

"That would be a _rocket,_ Morrigan!" Kairi panicked at the incoming explosive.

"Hang on, sweetum!" Taking everyone by surprise, Morrigan wrapped her legs around Kairi's midsection and propelled them both upwards with her transforming wings, of which turned into rocket thrusters because, you know, videogames. The rocket soared past the women's original position and collided right into some jerkwad protesting an elected official like some ass-clown with nothing better to do with his existence, and it totally blew his worthless, should've-been-aborted ass away. No offense to anyone who protests, power to the people.

Levitating to a safe height overhead, Morrigan loosened her grip on Kairi's face and pelvis, saying in relief, "Whoa…now _that_ was a close call!"

"Thanksh! I schtill fucking hate you though," informed Kairi.

Totally distracted, Dante called up to the ladies in flight, "Hey! I got dibs on the next joyride!"

"Dante, look out!" Chris suddenly shouted,

Turning around, Dante found himself wrapped up in Nemesis' tentacles; briefly, the half-devil was lifted into the air before being slammed directly into the pavement. Then, with wicked speed, the slippery limbs went medieval and began stabbing their victim straight through his chest.

"Gyah…" Dante grunted.

"Shit…" Chris cursed, reloading his gun. Sensing Murray was about to commit a foolish act, he commanded, "Stay back! Dante's still got this!"

Meanwhile, up in the air, Kairi shrieked, "They're gunna need our help, Morrigan!"

"Nonsense," the winged guardian replied confidently. "They are in total control of the fight, can't you see?"

Feeling Morrigan's legs squeeze her minus-size midsection even tighter, Kairi responded in distress, "Not really—and how shtrong are your leg mushells, you shy-koh bat-lady?"

"Play your cards right, and I may show you one day," Morrigan said, earning a pained moan that sounded like music to her ears.

Stumbling back to his feet, Dante brushed off the previous stabbing with a smile. Boldly, he beckoned for more abuse, goading him, "Nice one, for a wimp!"

Just then, Nemesis pounced, swinging his bazooka like a baton. Defending with Rebellion, Dante absorbed the momentum and slid backward along the ground, engaging in several more clashes of sword and artillery. Spinning around, Dante attempted to hack the monster in half, only connecting with the metal bazooka.

"Damn, this guy's got speed, that's fer sure!" Dante commented, slashing several more times only to have his hits blocked and parried.

Right then and there, Nemesis countered with a heavy gut-kick that sent Dante flying back; drawing his twin pistols, Ebony and Ivory, Dante popped a few rounds before colliding into the side of an abandoned bus. Hitting the metal roughly, the devil hunter watched all of his live rounds become absorbed into the monster's forearm, seemingly doing nothing.

Dodging to the left, Dante avoided yet another tentacle. Reacting fast to the beast charging on him quickly, he jumped, flipped in the air, and landed directly on Nemesis' shoulders, firmly catching his balance before firing a downward stream of gunshots into the monster's deformed skull.

Nemesis swiped for the gunslinger's legs, grabbing nothing but air as Dante leaped skyward, now inverted and raining more bullets down. Proving he was no pushover acrobat, Dante landed amongst Nemesis's shoulders once again, repeating the bullet-rain process during Nemesis's next grapple attempt.

Watching the beast fruitlessly swipe for the gun-toting warrior, Murray signaled to Chris, "Now would be a good time to deliver a kill shot, Commander!"

"Good thinking!" Drawing an incendiary grenade, Chris called before chucking the explosive, "Frag out!"

Taking note of Chris' tactics, Dante bid his struggling foe farewell, "Sorry, this is my stop!"

Back-flipping to safety, Dante narrowly missed being engulfed in flames; Nemesis was _not_ so lucky. Howling in monster-fueled agony, the creature buckled to its knees before passing out unconscious, burning ablaze in its defeat.

Up in the air, Morrigan cooed in Kairi's ear, "See? Our boys had it handled from start to finish, just like true, virile men performing well in their element should. And that's a major turn-on for me."

Eyes bugging wide, Kairi started feeling violated. "Omigod—pleesh shtop revealing thingsh about yourshelf!"

Moaning like it was super-necessary to do so, Morrigan said, "Oh, my…maybe that 'day' is _coming_ _sooner_ than expected."

" _NOOOO!"_ The plea was accompanied by a look of sheer terror. "Why dush everything wanna rape me in thish shtupid, god-for-shaken world?"

Morrigan's answer was plain and simple.

"Because you're a sexy bitch."

"Because you're a sexy bitch—ah, dammit!" Dante cursed from down below. "Did you beat me to it?!"

" _I did,"_ Morrigan said with an evil laugh. "Face it! This little lollipop belongs to my tongue and my tongue only! _Ahahaha!"_

Desperately seeking Redfield's aid, Kairi screeched, "CHRISH! SHAVE ME!"

Redfield was in the middle of securing Nemesis' arms and legs with the proper custodial equipment. Not understanding the request, Chris stammered, "Um…do what?"

Once again purring in Kairi's ear, Morrigan commanded softly, "Just relax, and let your new mistress soothe your tense nerves, my roaming little rose petal!" Oh, and then Morrigan wrapped her tongue around Kairi's left ear, making sure to get that lobe nice and moist.

Kairi equals shocked. "Hamana, hamana, hamana—"

Ostensibly feeling excluded, Dante shrieked, "HEY! Float down here so I can get in on that! Can't you see I _don't_ wanna be stuck with these two dick-washers?! C'mon down, babes!" Chris and Murray shot Dante hard looks of disapproval.

Feeling the heat rise between her and Kairi, Morrigan continued teasing the devil hunter, "Na-na! If only you could taste her right now, Dante!"

Growling lowly, the sprung devil hunter muttered, "Why's she torturing me…? I was good, today!"

"Leave your body, Kairi, jush leave your body," the princess told herself before the trauma hit.

"Admit it. Better molested by me than him, right?" Morrigan asked from a somewhat logical perspective.

"I'm not so sure."

"Oh, now that's just plain insulting."

Meanwhile, Murray checked out of this nonsense. Clasping his hands together, he stated candidly, "Welp, this officially turned into a freak show. And look! I think that's my friend's space ship coming down to save me—nope, that's somebody else's space ship about to crash somewhere completely separate. Crap…"

Still with me? You're awesome. Let's go find out where that other space ship was headed.

* * *

 **-X-**

In a different part of town, somewhere far from the Nemesis fiasco, Ryu and Chun Li were dining in an outside restaurant, currently looking over their menus beneath a fancy umbrella, both protected from the day's warm sunrays.

"Just to clarify," Ryu began cautiously, "I said I would cover dinner's cost, but I would really appreciate it if you left the gratuity."

"First thing, I'm not leaving a tip for a patio-restaurant," retaliated Chun Li, never taking her eyes off the menu. "Second thing, this isn't dinner. It's like, two o'clock in the afternoon. This is lunch, which you're also paying for, Karate-Man. And third, if you want to hit all your bases tonight, you'll make sure to take me to a place with breadsticks and nervous teenage waiters for me to chew on while you figure out your bedroom game plan, capiche?"

Ryu nodded. "Yes, ma'am. But seriously, you won't at least tip the server?"

"You want a tip?" Chun Li became belligerent. "How 'bout you whip your junk out and throw it on the table for a gratuity fee? That seem fair?"

"Well, I—"

"C'mon, Quarter-Circle-Foreplay. Just fix that empty plate with a set of your fireballs and I'll treat 'em like an appetizer right in front of all these people."

Beads of sweat collected on Ryu's temple, soaking his headband. Standing up awkwardly, he grasped his black belt and paused for hesitation. Letting go and sitting back down, Ryu mumbled in shame, "No, it would bring dishonor. I must resist."

"Whatever, Karate-Boy," Chun said with an eye-roll. Eyeing something good, she chimed, "Ooh, I didn't know this place served zucchini."

Behold, shenanigans went down. Sora's _Highwind_ came crashing down into the restaurant's interior, thankfully leaving the outside patrons mostly intact. Of course, people started screaming, yelling, running amok with live flames on their backs, but Chun Li and Ryu remained seated, treating the scene like rude customers had shown up.

"The nerve of some people!" Chun Li remarked. Since she's an Interpol agent, she felt the need to say, "If I was on duty right now, I'd definitely give that jerk a parking ticket."

Shaking his head, Ryu contemplated out loud, "I hope this doesn't interfere with the onion rings."

Looking more irritated than before, Chun asked, "And where the hell is that server with our drinks?"

The rear end of the Gummi ship protruded from the restaurant's interior, smoking from all kinds of damages. Inside the bubble helm, Sora and Aqua were dead from the impact, bodies growing cold from—okay, I'm screwing with you.

Head spinning like a spiky top, Sora truthfully admitted, "Who would've thought? Social media and piloting a space ship don't mix."

"Don't freak out," Aqua started, gaining her own bearings, "but I think the helm is stuck."

Now, the ship was all kinds of fucked up, (all kinds) and the control system was, of course, busted but still flickering with life. The bubble helm they jacked from Hook's burning ship was severely cracked and refusing to pop open, but still wonderfully functional. In fact…

"Check it out!" Sora said in excitement. "I can still read Kuposts even though it's cracked! Aw, no way—Terra texted me back! Heh…she says 'my high-waters are gonna cramp her style'? How 'bout she's lucky 'cramping her style's' in my schedule this week. Heh…here comes gold in three, two, one…"

KRASSSHHH! Aqua delivered one heavy swing of the Keyblade, which absolutely fucked up what was left of that bubble helm.

Back outside with Ryu and Chun Li, the conversing pair halted their table-talk at the sound of a girl crying out in white-hot rage, "JUST FIX THE FUCKIN' SHIP!"

Sora's voice responded with the pluck of a cheeky little bastard, "I still hit send."

* * *

 **-X-**

Reno and Rude had arrived above the colossal planet with the C-shaped city, the surface mere thousands of feet away. Steering his sedan down the astral road into Capcom's territory, Reno told his jittery passenger, "Okay, I'm here. Where do you wanna start looking?"

"Hold on, I'm pinging her phone," Rude stated, initiating some advanced hacking method to track down Kairi's cellular device. "God-fuckin'-dammit," Rude cursed out of nowhere.

"What's going on?" Reno asked.

"Her phone's showing up in the middle of the city. Shit…that means she landed in front of a bunch of people. There's probably already a goddamn crime scene with chalk around this dead diva. Not to mention she's still got her Squeenix I.D. badge on her. Fuck, I knew I should've taken her clothes off!"

"Wait, slow down, Rude—this is Capcom we're talking about! These people are known for letting utter chaos happen with nary a concern for the citizens here! With any luck, Kairi splatted on the sidewalk, and now there are hobos poking her body with a stick."

"Yeah…let's hope that's all they're poking her body with. Well…on the bright side, if we can get this story out successfully and keep the truth under wraps, there's a good chance I'll get some pity tail from either Tifa or Elena."

Repulsed by his partner's thought process, Reno chastised him, "Just fuckin' focus, ya moron. Listen, you gotta have a plan if there's a bunch of nosy spooks down there trying to figure out the 'who, what, and where.' Tell me you got something up your sleeve, Rude."

Clenching his fists to crack his knuckles, Rude uttered five words, "We gotta kill some witnesses."

Sighing in exasperation, Reno grumbled out loud, "Something told me I'd be maiming a bunch of people today."

The astral road guided the four-wheel drive through the planet's atmosphere, trailing through smoggy clouds that gave way to a skyline of tall buildings as far as the eye could see. As they neared the ocean of concrete, Reno and Rude's astral ride guided them all the way down to an intersection with evidence of chaos littering the scenery. Cars were abandoned, body parts were strewn about from some wicked-sick ass explosion, and there was a charred corpse lying restrained on the ground in a pair of industrial handcuffs.

"The fuck happened here?" Reno asked in bewilderment. "What, Capcom's burning bodies now?"

"Oh, fuckin' A crikey," Rude suddenly panicked. "Tell me that's not Kairi!"

"Tch, no way that's the body of a slender redhead. That's…something else entirely." Looking up in the sky, Reno pointed out, "Oh, shit—how did we miss those chicks floating in the sky?"

"Chicks? Reno—that's fuckin' her!" Rude exclaimed, recognizing one of said 'chicks'. "I think she's okay! No friggin way—she's okay!"

"Who's that other chick?" Reno questioned. "And why does she appear to be making sweet, more-or-less consensual love to your girlfriend?"

"Whatever's going on, I'm about to get to the bottom of this shit-show!" Rude declared, barreling out of the vehicle.

Meanwhile, a sexually frustrated Dante stood aggravated with his arms crossed, glaring daggers up at Morrigan and her prisoner. Shaking his head, he muttered, "Now she's just being a bitch."

Back with Kairi, whose face was flush from the prolonged pinching, she practically sobbed loud enough for outer space to hear, "H…How…How are you _shtill_ clenching? Ishn't your vaj tired, yet?!"

Pinching the captive princess's dimples even harder, Morrigan racked her brain for a second, dwelling out loud, "Weird…I believe I've been asked that question more than once…"

That's when Rude the Dude showed up, barking orders, "Hey, you! Let my girlfriend go!"

Facing Rude with a look of pure disinterest, Dante droned, "Bald. Bald. Bald. Bald…"

Redfield finished securing the cables around Nemesis's arms. Looking up, he blurts out, "Who's the monkey-suit?"

Approaching the answer with the use of logic, Murray replied, "Judging by his employment of the term 'girlfriend,' one would adopt the notion that this man is in fact the girl's boyfriend."

"Rude?" Kairi said in amazement. She had a lot of different feelings well up inside, some irrational, others considerably further so, and for once, Kairi found herself slow to speak.

"Boyfriend?" Dante repeated in disbelief. Looking up at Kairi with a gasp, he accused her, "You're _cheating_ on me?!"

Still keeping a close watch on the unconscious Nemesis, Chris Redfield chuckled and said, "This is rich—Hey, Dante! You better fight for your clearly-underage-lady's honor if ya know what's good for ya!"

Dante, somewhere between somber and sickened with fury, clutched his chest and told the still-captive girl above, "You…just tore the heart right from my chest…Kairi. This hurts more than you know…. But dammit, I can see your lady parts from here, so I'll let you off the hook!"

Waltzing right up next to Dante, Rude also remarked, "Get the fuck—? You totally can! Sweet!" Calling up to his girlfriend, he asked, "Hey babe! What happened to your panties?"

Kairi crossed her legs, though her stretched-out face lacked any trace of embarrassment whatsoever. While she _had_ been slow to speak, she finally happened upon what emotion she wanted, like choosing which bulldozer to use on her soon-to-be ex-beau.

From up above, a vengeful glare pierced the very ground Rude stood on.

Sensing this bubbling explosion, Morrigan let go of Kairi's face at last, letting it rubber-band back into place. She whispered, "Let him have it, baby."

Starting off at a low growl, Kairi gradually revealed her (extra) bitchy side, "Oh, you wanna know what happened…? I'll tell you what happened—I have an IDIOT for a boyfriend who thinks it's okay to get in drive-by SHOOTOUTS with total strangers in bullshit WORLDS! _DUMBASS!"_

Shrugging next to Rude, Dante offered his two cents, "That sounds like a good time to me."

"Oh, and because GOD let me live through that bullshit, I almost died YET AGAIN falling out of some sky-pirate's flying _pimp-pad,_ where—you guessed it—some fumbling fuckin' fool lost control, and I had to completely strip naked just to hang-glide to safety—"

"Forget a good time, you went to Six Flags!" remarked Dante.

"And if that wasn't enough, I ran into Dr. Doomface and Maga…Fuckin' Asshole, or whatever, thinking they were holding some poor fuck-face hostage, and guess what? I actually tried to save the dick-wad before it turned a bazooka on me and chased me all the way into a nightclub…where it almost FUCKING DID ME in a bathroom!" At this point, Kairi lost her voice. Then she mumbled low enough for only Morrigan to hear, "Oh, and then I fucked myself with a vegetable on a rooftop somewhere…"

Clapping her hands in sheer pride, Morrigan congratulated the girl, "That was simply splendid, my little pumpkin-pearl! Now grab your boobs."

"Uh…why?"

"Do it or I'll do it for you," Morrigan threatened mildly.

Kairi reached for her own tits. Then, the bat-lady literally seized the opportunity to pinch her cheeks again using that inhuman death grip. Laughing, she cooed, "Oh, you are so simple."

Meanwhile, Dante was more entertained than impressed with Kairi's outburst. Pointing up two index fingers, he told Rude, "Whoa. Guess _you're_ in trouble. And she just called you a dumbass. Dumbass."

Shoving Dante in the chest, Rude asked, "Who the fuck _are_ you, anyway…asshole?"

Doing his best to steer his own already-brewing deviant behavior, Dante addressed the major fuck-up Rude just committed, " _Whoa-_ ho-ho. Rule number one. Do not touch Dante unless you're a hot babe. And I don't see T.N.A anywhere on you, baldy."

"Baldy? How 'bout I kick your Shaggy-lookin' ass and take back my girlfriend? Nutty little ass-clown."

Kairi shouted from Morrigan's grip, "Kick hish assh, DANTE!"

Deeply offended, Rude exclaimed, "The fuck are you taking his side for?"

"Itch not me, itch you!" Kairi replied like a smart-aleck.

"What? C'mon, I'm here to rescue you!"

"Yeah, only becush— _dammit Morrigan, lemme GO!"_

"NOT YET!" the succubus screeched, pulling harder.

Growling through some aggressive anguish, Kairi yelled downward, "You only had to reshcue me becush you're a fuckin' moron!"

Going off the deep end, Rude exploded, "Yeah, a fuckin' moron who was just trying to show you a good time, but as usual, you were too busy being an ungrateful little slut!"

Then there was this awkward silence. Murray used this opportunity to take a seat on a bus stop bench. Ironically enough, as he did so, his cell phone started ringing. Taking the call on his hands-free device, Murray said, "Hey, hiya!"

The cheery voice on the other end replied, "Murray, the man! You're intergalactic taxi is five minutes down the runway!"

"What, no way!" Murray replied in pure relief of the situation.

"Yes, indeed, just check the skies. We've already pinged your signal, so hang tight, pally!"

Looking skyward, Murray couldn't help but sing his praises, "Dude, you came just in the nick of time! Not even kidding, I am hanging on to my sanity by a lone butt-hair! I'll definitely owe ya for this one, I mean it!"

Meanwhile, Dante placed a calming hand on Rude's shoulder. Sternly, he gave his analysis, "See this hand? This hand is letting you know you just fucked up, big-time. Kairi wants a real man, and that just ain't you. Now help me figure out a way up there so I can have sex with them both."

" _You can go fuck yourshelf, RUDE!"_ And those were Kairi's latent feelings on the matter.

Just then, Reno awkwardly lumbered onto the scene, choosing a pretty lousy moment to get involved. With zero tact, he asked, "Hey, what the fuck's going on, here? Can we just go home already?"

Practically shaking with rage, Rude realized too late he'd lost complete control of the situation. With little to no warning, which was just enough time for Dante to sigh at the prospect of being assaulted, Rude turned and socked Dante clean across the cheekbone.

Dante's feet didn't leave the ground; practically eating the hit for lunch, Dante let his facial expression snap right into excitement, gleefully asking, "What? Oh, really—no way! Are we gonna fight now? Please say yes! Please say yes!"

Rude punched him again, this time earning a look of pure elation from Dante.

"It's like the winter holidays came early this year!" said Dante, skillfully avoiding certain synonyms.

Growling in frustration, Rude winded up and released a roundhouse kick to the devil hunter's neck. Still only visibly tickling his opponent, the beyond pissed-off Turk shrieked, "Will you freakin' bleed, or something?!"

Offering some helpful advice, Reno told his comrade, "Yeah…I recommend you stop that, Rude."

Wagging his finger, Dante negated, "Uh, uh, uh! You got a total of three free hits on me. Backing out now would be poor fighting etiquette, don't ya think? Sorta like ordering a triple-cheese pizza and forgetting to tip your driver."

"Rrrrr…I'm sick of your mouth," Rude snarled.

"I take it you're one of those humans who indulges in magical artifacts to boost your strength and resilience," Dante correctly analyzed.

Once again piping up at yet another stupid time, Reno responded for Rude matter-of-factly, "Basically, yeah. We use a little something called Materia, but yeah, you're spot on."

Shrugging with a smirk, Dante said, "Well, with that being the case, I'm gonna go ahead and use my devil arms, now, and if you should so happen to find yourself _killed_ in the following skirmish, I'm confident the proper authorities will deem you a demon upon death."

"Tch, whatever that means," Rude retorted. "Gimme your best shot, jerk-ass! I don't give a fuck about your devil arms _or_ legs!"

Politely drawing his sword, Dante couldn't help but clarify the situation, "No, idiot. _This_ is a devil arm, as in my sword has a tag saying, 'Made in the Demon World'. But I'm not gonna dirty up my blade on that cheap suit of yours—"

"Nyshe one, Dante!" Kairi cheered from above.

"—Instead," he continued, currently thinking dirty things, "I'm gonna use a little something called Gilgamesh."

Kairi, now fully employed as Dante's cheerleader, echoed, "Thash right, he'sh got Gilgamesh! Got it memorizhed?"

"Use whatever you got, sissy-ass-wimp!" Rude said that weak-ass-shit.

"Hmph." Initializing a quick weapon switch, a set of metal gauntlets and greaves appeared on Dante's person, all sporting a reddish glow to boot. "Get ready."

One punch rocked Rude's vision, and another one knocked a few screws loose. Then, a stylish chin-kick sent the already unconscious Turk flipping twenty feet upward, where Dante adeptly followed him and finished with a wind-splitting chop to the noggin.

The ensuing crater created by Rude's ragdoll-like body did little to lessen the collateral damage.

"Damn, that was four hits," Dante swore under his breath.

And so, it came to pass, that this bit of violence spurred Reno to throw his hands up defensively, cautiously addressing the situation, "So, it looks like you beat my friend fair and square, and I'm totally cool with that. He needed it, no doubt there. Um…also, don't kill me. I'm just gonna go ahead and scoop 'im up and take him to a hospital. And about Kairi…?"

Still talking with her cheeks stretched (!), Kairi dismissed the Turks, "Jush take that idiot and go home, Reno. Shora's on the way to pick me up."

Still keeping the vibe easygoing, Reno replied, "I don't know what you said, but it sounds like a plan, I trust your judgement, and I'm totally gonna lie about what I did today! See ya later, Kairi!"

While Reno dragged his probably dead friend back to their car, a lovely space ship entered the district from the skies of Planet Capcom, dipping down to park near the scene of the chaos. The hatch popped itself open.

"…Am I glad to see you!" Murray greeted the feline creature exiting his starship.

In addition to the furry-catlike commando disembarking from the two-seater aircraft, also a backpack-sized robot with friendly, glowing green eyes exited with him. The tiny robot greeted Murray in an exceptionally intellectual tone, "Greetings, Murray! We see you've made yourself at home here on Planet Capcom."

Sheepishly, Murray replied, "Yeah, that's one way to look at it."

The other guy, a feline decked out in gray and blue space armor, greeted the hippo casually, "Sheesh, you're a sight for sore eyes. You could've told us you were having a street brawl—we would've flown here faster!"

"That's quite all right, guys! Me and a few other fellas had things mostly handled right before your arrival."

"Heh," the feline (I'll give you a hint, he's a Lombax) joked around, "well yeah. But still, shame we missed out on all the fun."

Dante piped up, "You don't say. Sweet ride, by the way."

"She gets me around the galaxy," Ratchet responded. Oops, spoilers. "Name's Ratchet, and this is my pal, Clank."

Checking out Clank, Dante waved two fingers at him. Clank waved back, having only two fingers himself.

Shrugging, Dante chose to engage in light banter, "So, what's the mileage on that thing?"

 **-X-**

* * *

 **A/N:** Dick Dax is a registered trademark of Ottsel Enterprises. Also, rest in peace Chester Bennington.


	10. Psycho-Sora

**Chapter 10: Psycho-Sora**

"Just so you know, you didn't have to break the windshield I worked so hard to steal," Sora complains irritably, exiting the Gummi whip.

"It's official—you're gonna get stabbed again." Aqua boasted this as _fact._

Jumping out the helmless vessel, Sora landed next to a table with two highly disinterested patrons waiting for their drinks and appetizers. Casually, he greeted them, "Afternoon, sir, ma'am."

Ryu grunted, "Ahem, afternoon."

Chun Li winked at Sora before glancing over her menu again. "Hello, there."

Pointing his Keyblade at the crashed aircraft, Sora cast, _"Gather!"_

Using the force or some crazy shit, Sora summoned a strong Magnet spell above his head, letting the luminous charm pull on his Gummi ship. Rattling between sudden jerks, the ship of Gummi greatness was freed from its concrete prison, hurtling for Sora's position.

To avoid getting roadkill'd, Sora executed a well-timed jump that landed him in the pilot's seat. After a quick one-eighty-degree turn, the _Highwind_ was up and flying again, taking off for their sole objective.

Due to the ship's sudden acceleration, Ryu and Chun Li's table-umbrella blew away, no longer protecting them from the sun's rays. Annoyed, Chun simply glared into Ryu's all-knowing eyes.

He sighed, then conceded, "Fine, I'll go get it."

Back in the _Highwind's_ cockpit, which was suffering an absurd amount of windiness on account of the missing helm, Aqua cautiously stands next to the pilot's seat. Looking devious as she asked, "So where do you think Kairi's located, Vanitas?"

Without even thinking, Sora replied, "My heart's telling me to go this way, and honestly, I sense a lot of different lights down this path…and you just called me 'Vanitas,' didn't you?"

"I knew it!" she said. "You've let darkness take over your heart!"

"Relax," he coaxed. "There's no way I'd ever let that happen. Just stay on my good side and we'll be home free."

"Hmph. That makes me worry for Kairi."

"Sounds contagious."

Flying close to street-level, Sora expertly swerved between traffic lights and moving trolleys, hovering just below an Edwardian tunnelway leading into another section of the city. They were finding themselves at the tunnel's halfway point when the _Highwind's_ computer system brings to their attention:

"Warning: _The Highwind_ is experiencing low fuel."

"Low fuel?" repeated Aqua. "I thought these Gummi blobs ran on dreams and free love."

"Not exactly…. Let's just hope we don't end up like Noctis and his friends."

Coming out of the other side, their vessel led them onto a densely crowded bridge stretching over miles of sparkling water. As they soared past traffic, Sora and Aqua took in the view of an enormous island in the distance. From what they could see, this island featured a town of more Renaissance-style architecture.

"Wow…I can't believe Capcom's world is really this big!" said Aqua.

Shrugging, Sora comments, "Somehow, all of this fits inside that giant letter 'C.' There must be a hundred different districts as big as this one in Capcom alone."

The _Highwind_ soared inland, flying past a sign reading, "Welcome to the City of Fortuna!"

"Fortuna?" Sora said, reading the word correctly.

"Like the goddess of fortune," Aqua speculated. "Think we might hit the jackpot?"

" _Ba-dum, tish,"_ Sora responded wryly. "Only prize I'm looking for here comes with an especially dirty mouth."

The densely populated city was home to many NPCs strolling dully and driving about in Studebakers, scooters, and public transit. Nevertheless, Sora's Gummi ship was still the strangest sight to behold there. Countless pedestrians stopped and gazed at the bright red ship flying dangerously fast over traffic.

Sora, forsaking the speed limit, felt his shoulder get nudged as Aqua warns him, "Hey, speed-freak! Don't get us pulled over!"

"I don't mind fighting cops," Sora replies with a sulfuric octave. "Oh, and what are you—nuts? Don't hit the pilot while he's active! One more crash could really hurt our chances of returning in one piece!"

"Yeah—if it isn't me, then it'll be your reckless driving, for sure," came her hot retaliation. "Where'd you even get your license to fly, anyway? I'll bet munny that you've got a bad driving record back home. And what do you mean, you don't mind fighting cops?! What, do you think this is Grand Theft—?!"

"Okay, ma'am, this is your stop," came his lethal interjection as the _Highwind_ obeyed his command to increase their altitude. From their ascending vantage point, Sora chose a decently placed building with a suitably tall spire. Without warning, he yanked his auxiliary cable from the port, and proceeded to jump straight out of his Gummi ship, also taking Aqua by the arm so she'd accompany him on this extremely suddenly extreme stunt.

So, one minute they were flying peacefully over traffic, and the next they were airborne above the city of Fortuna, falling towards a particularly tall building with a sharp-looking spire affixed to its dome-top.

Ignoring Aqua's screams of protest, Sora shouts, "Hey, just hold still!"

He swung her around the spire by hooking the back of her undersized hoodie, planting one foot on the peak to break his own fall. Without a second's hesitation, he tied Aqua's hands behind her back, effectively using his auxiliary cable to halt any form of escape.

"Hey, what'd you do that for?" Aqua yells in extreme vexation. "Let me go!"

Glancing at his Gummi ship currently doing a loopty loop high above, Sora responded, "Stay here for a minute. Or two. Or three. I'll be back whenever I find Kairi."

"What the—? Don't leave me here, you—!"

"See ya!"

Leaping off the spire, Sora did that free-dive thing until his Gummi ship came back around from the loopty loop to adeptly catch its pilot once more. Now flying solo, Sora blasted the turbos in the direction of a totally pure light, a light so pure it made Sora suspicious of how pure it was.

Anyhow, he ended up flying over a beautiful park full of people going about their own leisure activities; he focused on a group of at least twenty individuals exercising on the green grass, sensing that light of borderline perfect brilliance residing in one of those people. Sora squinted his eyes until he could make out a fairly slender girl with auburn hair. Taking a wild guess, he speculated aloud, "I think that's her. But why she's working out in this park is beyond me." Seeing his low-fuel indicator, he pressed on, "I'll find out later."

Like the upstanding citizen he always knew he was, Sora taxied his Gummi ship over to the designated parking area, throwing that bad boy in reverse like a champ. However, after exiting his vehicle, Sora frowned. He had double-parked.

"Dammit."

Hopping back in the space-whip, the presumably unlicensed Keyblader readjusted his parking to more uniform standards, smirking at his better parking job.

Finally, Sora galloped over to the small congregation of physically active people, noticing they were all in the middle of doing windmill exercises or whatever. He also noticed Kairi (it's not really Kairi) was wearing skimpy gym attire instead of her usual get-up, standing with her back to him. Also, this girl was too tall to be Kairi, standing around Riku's height; however, Sora accosted her without caution.

Stopping just a few feet behind her, Sora questioned with an amazed look, "Whoa, Kairi! How'd you get so tall? And why are you getting physically fit…in a park?"

Pausing her group workout, the girl who was definitely not Kairi turned and looked Sora deep in the eyes. Without a single hint of hostility, the girl replied in a featherweight voice, "I beg your pardon?"

Yeah, that wasn't Kairi, but Sora sensed enough light to assume a princess stood before him. Apologizing sheepishly, he said, "Sorry. I thought you were a different person."

"No, my name's Kyrie," the girl revealed, also telling the misinformed Keyblader, "and I've been this tall since high school."

Just then, another workout group member, a young man with white hair and a strange, demonic right arm walked up beside the Kairi-look-alike. Glowering at Sora's presence, the man asked, "This guy bothering you, Kyrie?" (That's Key-ree-ay like something Italian, not Kye-Ree like something that got traded to the Boston Celtics.)

Shaking her head with a smile, Kyrie responded. "No, but I think he's looking for someone. Is that true?"

Nodding, Sora explained, "Actually, yes. So, there's a girl named Kairi who's really far from home, and she might be in danger if I don't find her soon. My name's Sora, by the way."

"Nice to meet you, Sora!" said Kyrie. "We'd love to help, but we've never met anyone named Kai—"

"Wait, wait—I know who that is!" the white-haired man suddenly interjected.

With a suspicious smile, Kyrie asked, "Oh…you do?"

Laughing nervously, the man with the demonic right arm replied lightheartedly, "Oh, uh, yeah, I think her Kupo+ name is 'Deep-True-Kairi,' or something like that—I must've followed her through Lady or Trish."

"Pretty sure that's her tag," Sora replied. "She's about ye high, red hair, blue eyes, talks with a total disregard of censorship."

Nodding and now sweating profusely, Nero (spoilers, that's the guy's name) downplayed the obvious fact that he recognized all those features and then some, saying, "Yeah, I think that rings a bell, like vaguely if I recall."

Returning her attention to Sora, Kyrie told him with just the faintest glimmer of fire in her eyes, "Well, the good news is at least _one_ of us should recognize Kairi if we see her. So please, Sora, give me your phone number, Kupo+, and Capchat name in case we ever run into her."

Protesting, Nero exclaimed with excessive vigor, "Whoa, whoa, hey! What—What do you need all that info for? Just give him a walkie-talkie, or something!"

"Please, Nero, I want to help this dashing young man find his girlfriend," Kyrie said with a hair-flip.

Shrugging, Sora piped up, "Well, my phone's in a completely different world right now, but I can still make calls and stuff from my Gummi ship. Tell ya what, if either of you see her, send me a DM at 'Sora-of-Soras' for Kupo+ or 'Champagne-Sora' for Capchat. Anyway, nice meeting you, Kyrie and Nero!"

As Sora turned and jogged back to the perfectly-parked _Highwind_ , Kyrie bid farewell, "Travel safely, Champagne-Sora!"

"Thanks, I will!" While jogging past more physically fit citizens, Sora muttered to himself, "Wow, they looked like Kairi and Riku, but acted like Minnie and Mickey! Nice people!"

Before returning to their outdoor workout, Nero muttered low enough for only his girlfriend to hear, "I want you to forget everything you just heard about that guy, effective immediately."

"Push-ups, Nero!" Kyrie commanded like a coach.

Hopping back in the _Highwind_ , Sora dialed Kairi's number, waited for her to answer, and said, "Yo, Kairi. I'm having trouble tracking you down. Can you give me an address?"

"Ooh…. You sound quite _strong_ , Sora. If Kairi was stuck between a rock and a hard place, do you think you'd be able to _thrust_ her to freedom?" Clearly, this wasn't Kairi's voice.

"Well, I guess I could give it a shot. Who's this, again?"

"You will come to know my identity soon enough. Come to the intersection of City in Chaos and Frosty Boulevard if you want to see your precious Kairi again!"

"Okay. She's not dead, or anything like that, right?"

"No, she's fine. Say something, Kairi."

Then, a familiar but exhausted voice replied with, "Shomething. Happy?"

"Yes, love. Now hurry over here, Sora, before we start the torture."

"Oh, bullshit! It schtarted a long time ago!"

Mildly concerned, Sora concluded the call, "Well, okay. Hang tight!"

Blasting off for "City in Chaos and Frosty Boulevard," Sora realized just how far off the mark his spidey-sense had led him; Kairi's alleged position was miles in the other direction of the café he crashed into. The fact that he couldn't sense her light was worrying to say the least, but Sora was still hoping for the best.

* * *

 **-X-**

"You realize you radiate this delectably irresistible light, don't you, dear Kairi?" Morrigan hummed.

Cheeks irritated into indigo territory, Kairi wearily retorted, "Apparently, thatch a perk of being a prinshesh."

Gasping, Morrigan repeated—

Yeah, these two were still floating in midair, mind you. Chris was somewhere hauling Nemesis off to monster jail, Rude and Reno had already bailed, and Dante was currently distracted with a conversation about spaceships versus motorcycles with Murray, Ratchet, and Clank. That is to say there was no immediate danger presented to Kairi, yet she was still being held in Morrigan's "protective" custody.

Anyway, the Scottish succubus gasped and repeated, "A princess? Well that's bit of a coinki-dink, darling— I bet you didn't know that I, too, am considered a princess! In fact, I am the last surviving ruler of the beautiful world Makai."

"You don't shay."

"Yes, indeed, my precious little pecan pumpernickel. My foster family once ruled over a beautiful realm widely seen as the envy of neighboring kingdoms. My adoptive father, Belial, was an admirable and kind ruler, never once using his demon powers for evil, but that's all relative."

The indigo-faced Princess of Light blurted back, "My kingdom got schlaughtered by an evil schientist, and it gave me amnesia. Alsho, I'm adopted, too."

"Well, I…I wasn't competing. Anyway, some people think Dante and I share the same ancestor, but that's never once stopped us from—"

 _VROOOSH!_ The _Highwind_ zoomed on the scene, stopping just to the right of Morrigan and Kairi. Still missing its windshield, the Gummi vessel revealed Sora at the helm; politely, the patient pilot posited, "Hey, you mind letting her go?"

Staring deep into Sora's eyes, Morrigan gasped excitedly before addressing him, "You must be Sora!"

"Sure am!" he yelled over the ship's whirring engine. "Do you think we could talk on the ground?"

Happily, the succubus complied, "As you wish, sweet pea!"

After a quick relocation to street-level (Morrigan simply floated downwards with Kairi), Sora hopped out his ship and greeted everyone, "Sup."

"Sup." "Sup." "Sup." "Sup." Dante, Ratchet, Murray, and Clank all said that.

Taking note of the death-grip Morrigan was still holding Kairi in, Sora suddenly put two and two together. "AHA! Now I get it! That's why I couldn't sense Kairi's light! It's because of you!"

Chuckling, the succubus ruler of Makai affirmed, "Correct, Sora! This whole time, I've been using my demon aura to stifle that deliciously pure light of hers. What can I say? Quality time with my new pet proved quite useful for my own aura…and also my leg strength."

Glancing at everyone else, Sora tactfully inquired, "We're all aware that this is incredibly weird, right?"

Murray the hippo piped up, "Dude…you haveNO IDEA!"

Sighing, Sora summoned his Kingdom Key and asked for harmony's sake, "I'm not gonna have to maim that chick, am I?"

Dante said, "Do as you please, kid. Just remember, when you start the party, everyone's invited."

Calmly, Morrigan killed any form of hype brewing, "Relax, boys. As of right now, I'll be setting our precious Kairi free."

And just like that, the succubus followed through with her word, first unwrapping her legs one at a time, and then flicking Kairi's face free.

Instantly grabbing her agonizing cheeks (read that one more time), Kairi screeched, "OW-OW-OW-OOWW! You didn't have to flick me!"

"Of course, I did," Morrigan said with a wink and a kiss.

Taking in Sora's state of undress, what with the opened coat that revealed a missing shirt, the wicked glowing-white scar, and, worst of all, the absent gloves, Kairi stood before him, analyzing, "I see you've had a rough day, too."

Sora didn't respond. He only smirked.

A shiver went up the vulnerable girl's spine. Feeling some remorse, Kairi apologized, "Look, I know I said some messed up stuff earlier, but I want you to know…that was the trauma talking. I don't care about whatever's going on between you and Aqua—"

"Come closer," Sora commanded out of the blue.

"Uh…sorry?" Kairi looked at him sternly.

Sora sighed. "Come. Closer."

Only about four feet away, Kairi suddenly had the feeling of standing in someone's shadow. That gaze he fixed her with, the rigid-but-ready posture, the gloveless hands…why did it all make her feel like screaming?

That want became a need to follow his orders. With her first step forward, Kairi's unsteady stare was met with Sora's ambiguous smile. With her second step, her eyes fell upon the loosely hanging Kingdom Key within the young man's right hand before trailing over to his rising left. Using the utmost caution, Kairi took her third and final step before stopping in front of the battle-torn teenager.

That's when Dante had a bad feeling about Sora.

And it came to occur ever so eloquently, that Sora's left hand rested on her shoulder; he tells her, "See? That wasn't so hard."

So, then he stabbed her with the Kingdom Key in broad daylight, whose shine paled in comparison to the neon liquid coursing abroad her fresh wound. The moment his harsh object of choice made contact with the receiver's spinal column, it passed through as if nothing was there, culminating with a geyser of illuminance torn from her tramp-stamp-zone. Plain and simple, he rammed the whole thing through her.

Covering his mouth, Murray made his exclamation loud and clear: "Oh, FUCK!"

"The HELL?" Dante shrieks with a gasp.

Floating timorously, Morrigan gave her suggestion, "Kairi…you should maybe start frolicking away from that little demon—soon! He must have some sort of mental sickness…one that he prefers to _hypothecate_ in favor of a twisted act of his own sick perversion!"

From Kairi's neon-stained flesh, Sora ripped his armament free, watching the shimmering liquid essence pour from the quivering girl's entry wound. Face fallen deadpan, he commanded, "Turn around."

Practically frozen in place, Ratchet muttered, "This's gotta be a prank show. Please tell me there's an annoying TV host somewhere touching himself to this footage!"

The equally perturbed robot responded with his take on the matter, "On the contrary, I propose a prompt relocation of our asses, Ratchet!"

Impatient, Sora commanded again, "Just turn around, Kairi."

Stooped over and clutching her wounded body, Kairi stared up at the emotionless shell before her; her pupils shrank behind messy strands of red hair, signifying an acute realization of what Sora had become.

Sighing again, Sora cast a magic spell, "Wind."

Suddenly, a durable gust of wind flew by Kairi, spinning her around against her will. Now facing her royal backside, Sora holds her shoulder and stabs her once more, piercing through the exit wound of the previous impalement.

Drawing Ebony and Rebellion while glaring daggers at the Keyblader, Dante yells, "Let her go, _kid!"_

Once again ripping his weapon free, Sora earns a pained gasp from his victim before gently pushing her down to the pavement. Throwing Dante a battle-ready smirk, Sora tells him, "You lookin' for a fight? I'll play."

Jiggling with every word, Morrigan admonished erratically, "How dare you hurt my new plaything, you rowdy little…brute! Take 'im down, Dante!"

Starting off at a slow walk and eventually breaking into a dead sprint for Sora, Dante muttered angrily, "I thought I told you, kid…if you start the party, everyone's _invited—!"_

Blocking Dante's overhead sword strike, Sora countered with a horizontal slash and replied, "That's too bad. I bet my friends'll show up late, like they always do!"

Dashing backward from Sora's attack, Dante immediately fired away with Ebony. "Probably 'cuz they saw you maiming the one you already have!"

Dashing leftward to avoid the incoming bullet barrage, Sora stopped on a dime and blasted an ice-cold Blizzard spell in Dante's direction. "Didn't know you'd get so offended. You don't look _that_ important."

Sidestepping that ice spell, the devil hunter smirked and emptied more shots at Sora, replying, "Says the guy who left his shirt at home."

Charging towards his opponent, the speedy Keyblader deflected bullets while retorting, "Well, is this a party, or not?"

After engaging in a quick skirmish, Sora and Dante created some distance between one another, the latter of whom using the opportunity to adjust his red coat. Then, the smug half-demon replied, "Touché, kid."

"Hey, my name's not kid. It's—"

"—Sora."

Kairi had called his name, now standing to her feet like Sora had never mortally wounded her. While she radiated on her front and back, neither wound seemed to be remotely affecting her anymore, let alone causing her pain.

The Keyblader in question glanced over his shoulder. "Look who's back in action."

Eyes sparkling before releasing a flood of happy-tears, Kairi smiled at the Keyblader standing between her and Dante. Even laughing a bit maniacally, she sighed and told him, "Sora…that was a dick-move. And I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, but I can't talk now," Sora responded cheerily. "This party's gettin'—!"

" _Cray-zee!"_ Lunging at Sora with Rebellion aimed at the heart, Dante missed his target but found the time to wink at and hit on Kairi, "I'll talk to ya, babe."

The two fighters clashed weapons a few more times before locking Kingdom Key and Rebellion together. Noticing something intriguing, Sora surmised, "Wow, she didn't kill you. I'm guessing you and Kairi made friends already?"

"Something like that. What's it to you?"

"Nothing, really. She's always been better at that than I have. Although, you and I can still be friends!"

"Aw, you're such a nice guy, Sora! Just 'cuz you said that, I might just let you see the end of this day."

Trading more sword strikes and one-liners, Sora and Dante meandered down the street toward a busier, less destroyed part of town. Of course, the surrounding pedestrians were happy to ignore the antics of the brawling swordsmen. So long as no one was getting shot, blown-up, or body parts chopped off, everything seemed A-OK.

A changing traffic light caused a once empty crosswalk to fill up with wandering citizens of Capcom World. Vaulting from the sidewalk, Sora took the opportunity to lead the fight through said crosswalk, playing defense betwixt numerous nomads doing their best to not walk in front of any flying blades.

"You're not bad with that sword, uh…what's your name again?" asked Sora, unintentionally whacking a pedestrian in the back of the head.

Pivoting to Sora's flank, Dante replied good-naturedly, "Dante, and thanks. That's a Keyblade, right?"

"Yeah—you know about them?"

"Sure do. My brother Vergil's been hating on its power for years."

Dante warded off an overhead strike, harshly swinging his sword across some onlooker's throat. Sora then defended himself from a sidelong attack, countering with an upward slash while also ignoring the fountain of blood spraying two feet away.

Watching his opponent pirouette from his Keyblade's path, Sora remarked, "I guess that makes two of us. I've barely even tapped into my own Keyblade's potential."

Just then, Dante drew his black handgun in his left hand, pointing it at the young warrior's deadpan visage. "Cut the crap. What's your beef with Kairi?"

"No beef. I just wanted to mark my territory." A lighthearted chuckle escaped him. "Can you blame me? This world's full of surprises. I mean, just look at you."

"Your flattery's not gonna help you," said the half-devil albeit with a somewhat flattered undertone. "How long have you been a devil?"

"Not long. Also, why does everyone keep calling me that?"

Dante squeezed the trigger; a quick sway to the right kept Sora out of harm's way. Unfortunately, the stray bullet crashed into some poor fool's chili dog, splattering hot foodstuffs into another pedestrian's eye socket. And so, the blinded citizen wandered into traffic and got creamed by a transit bus. Still pointing Ebony at Sora's face, Dante gave his analysis on the situation, "There's a fine line between humans and demons…and also angels, but we'll skip those for now. I can sense that you've crossed that line, and demon hunters like myself might be inclined to kill you on sight. So, what do you say? Are you gonna make this easy, or am I gonna have to play dirty?"

Sora laughed, slinging his Keyblade over his shoulder once more. "Please tell me that means you plan on killing me, soon…cuz I'm getting a little impatient with all these nonstop accusations. I get that it's your job to exterminate 'bad guys,' or whatever, but I'm not your average level-one grunt."

"Oh, yeah? Well, I couldn't care less what level you are, dickhead. Today, you're gonna die."

Sora swung his Kingdom Key with lightning speed to deflect four individual bullets, then going on the offensive only to have his weapon blocked by Dante's Rebellion. With their swords locked in a battle of raw strength, Sora smirked before uttering in a fiendish tone, "I was hoping you'd say that."


	11. Kingdom May Cry

**Chapter 11: Kingdom May Cry**

"I've had enough of you fools!" yelped Nomura, the king of the dojo. "Don't you see we need to release Kingdom Hearts III _before_ December 31st, 2018, eleven-fifty-nine, fifty-nine?!"

Being the head-director of Kingdom Hearts III was (is) a stressful job. Sure, developing Final Fantasy XV was tough. Getting the wheels turning for the Final Fantasy VII Remake was also insanity. However, making the second sequel to Kingdom Hearts, the wide-eyed offspring of American sugar-daddy Disney Co. and the smoking hot pornstar-bodied Final Fantasy Series, was damn near impossible.

Now, the "Nomura" mentioned above is not to be confused with any real-life game developer by the same name. No, this completely different Nomura was interwoven into the plot and perpetually adorned in metallic samurai armor. Don't give me that look. You're in too deep to turn back now.

So back to the dojo, which was, of course, an expensively designed chamber made for all the fictional Square Enix game developers to brainstorm new ideas for their upcoming software, the head-director was currently throwing the smack down on anyone with an idea lame enough to piss him off.

"Why won't you imbeciles think? Do I have to do everything around here?" Nomura shouted from behind his samurai helmet.

One of the Squeenix Game Dev lackeys, a simple man wearing a karate gi, stepped up to the challenge, "Well, uh, sir…I do believe we'll be able to release KH3 this year…if we cut out some content—"

" _Fire!"_

So then that guy got set on fire through Nomura's dark dank magic, which of course resulted in instant annihilation.

"We're not cutting _any_ content! What I need is a group of people who know how to make jiggle-physics look E-rated with moving, working parallax! Is that understood?!"

One of the karate gi-wearing game devs asked, "So what's the point of being in a dojo if you're just gonna keep setting us on fire?"

Nomura dashed with great quickness, drawing his juiced-up Keyblade to slash that man in half from the waist down.

Cloud Strife of Final Fantasy VII was also present, one of two Videogame Superstars attending that dojo meeting. The spiky-haired blonde suggested, "Maybe we should make those jiggle physics extra lewd to piss off some of those Disney shrewds?"

Ventus, the other Superstar present, shook his head and said, "That sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen. How 'bout some tentacle-monster boss battles in the tutorial level?"

Nomura approved, "Finally—some sound counsel!"

Just then, Ignis Scientia of FFXV burst into the dojo, shrieking, "Sir—I mean, Nomura-san, sir! There's a conflict in Capcom World that involves some of your intellectual properties!"

Snapping his focus to the royal getaway driver in distress, Nomura exclaimed, "Dammit, Ignis! Speak English!"

"I…believe I was…? Was I speaking too fast?"

Cloud reprimanded, "Ignis, you fucking moron! Never interrupt Nomura's dojo without a good reason!"

"Well, yeah—I was just saying that—"

"Wait, did you say Capcom?" Nomura interrupted.

"Yes, I was saying that—"

"Dammit, it had better not be Xigbar screwing around with the locals again!"

Ignis sighed. Calmly, he said, "No. It's actually—"

"It can't be Xigbar," Cloud surmised, rubbing his chin. "I just saw that slack-jawed hack on the way up here. He was trying to sell me some Hatsune Miku tickets…"

"Those better not be the tickets I gifted him for his birthday," Nomura pondered with a vengeful edge. "If so, they're already expired."

"That raging douchebag," said Cloud, pulling out said tickets. "Good thing I traded 'em for six seasons of Naked and Afraid. But little does he know it's all completely censored, heheh…"

Nomura shook his head. "Oh, man. That's evil, Cloud—"

"SORA AND KAIRI HAVE TRESSPASSED INTO THE WORLD OF CAPCOM!" Ignis snitched rather loudly.

"WHAT?!" shrieked both Cloud and Nomura.

"Yikes," said Ventus. "Hey, how much you wanna bet Sora's gettin' laid from all this?"

Just then, one of the game devs timidly raised his hand to ask, "So, um…does that mean we can leave now?"

"You're excused," Nomura commanded, letting all the lackeys leave with their lives. Turning back to Ignis, the samurai-game-dev asked, "Are you saying both Sora and Kairi have wandered out of bounds—against their legislated points of authority?"

"Yes, sir." Ignis pulled out his cellphone to reveal a curious piece of social media. "One of Capcom's random N.P.C.'s uploaded this video to Capchat. Have a look…"

Ignis's cellphone played a crisp video of Sora beckoning Kairi to walk closer to him. Then, the unthinkable happened, earning gasps of horror from both Cloud and Nomura. Shortly afterward, the unthinkable happened a second time, this time in reverse. Nomura shook with tremendous rage.

Meanwhile, Ventus snapped his fingers, saying, "Damn. That made me a little horny."

"What…what has gone through that child's mental capacity?" The samurai gasped within his own helmet, daring to rip said accessory free. "This must be a stunt…!"

"It gets worse…" said Ignis.

The Capchat video suddenly cut to Sora doing battle with a red-cloaked demon hunter, a Superstar well-recognized by Cloud and Nomura.

"Is that Dante?" The soldier from Nibelheim couldn't believe his eyes. "That kid's gonna get himself executed!"

"Even worse…" Nomura went wide-eyed behind his samurai mask. "He's gonna get _US_ executed! This…this is a war waiting to happen!"

Opening up Kupo+, Ignis showed off Kairi's earlier post detailing her rapid descent into Capcom World. He surmised, "I'm guessing they didn't go there together. No one else seems to know how Kairi ended up falling into Capcom, but it's quite obvious Sora flew there via his Gummi ship. Nonetheless, we need to take immediate action, Mister Nomura, sir."

The stress consumed the game director. "Son…of a mother-loving…ass-jiggling…whore-faced…"

Cloud intervened, "Just calm down, Nomura—"

"Shut up!" Nomura screamed with an authoritative slap across Cloud's face. "On second thought—gather Noctis, Prompto, and Gladio! You're all going on a rescue mission for those two troublemakers, and I want you to bring them back at all costs, conscious or not!"

Nervously, Ignis nodded and said, "We can take Gladio, but Noctis and Prompto are still on administrative leave in New Zack Island. Said they were studying the jiggle physics."

Nomura suddenly shrieked in rage, _"Fifty pounds of sopping wet ASS!"_

Cloud insisted, "Nomura, calm down—!" The soldier ducked, avoiding another slap. "And stop slapping me, you nutsack! Me, Ignis, and Gladio should be more than enough to retrieve those two dill-weeds on our own!"

"Cloud is right. We're ready to deploy at your word, sir." Ignis scratched his chin. "Also, why 'fifty pounds of ass'? I thought you were more of a metric user."

Nomura whipped out his Keyblade once more, holding it under Ignis's throat. "Just go get Gladio. Fly to Capcom. And bring those little ass-hats back to my chambers— _Go_ _now!"_

Darting out the exit, Ignis responded, "Yes, sir—right away, sir!"

Following Ignis, Cloud quipped, "Also, take a fucking chill pill, and you might able to release something besides disappointment this year."

"Like your mother—oh, wait. She's dead." Nomura said that.

Ven shook his head. "That was harsh, Nom-Nom."

"You go with them, too!" Nomura commanded.

"No," said Ventus.

"Okay."

* * *

 **-X-**

"You got some nice, angry lookin' abs, kid," Dante remarked. "You made those just for me?"

"I think the only right answer here is 'why not.'"

Sora dashed in to deliver a launching strike, only to have his attack blocked and parried with a slash meant for his neck. Dante watched with amusement as the young Keyblader stretched backwards to dodge his swing. With a smirk, he threw out his leg to trip up Sora, only to realize he'd just kicked air.

Right then and there, Sora had back-flipped, simultaneously throwing his sword, but once again, the demon hunter was exceptionally vigilant; he deflected it skyward, where a flying vehicle unintentionally collided into it, veered off-course, and exploded into a nearby building.

At the moment, Sora was unarmed, leading Dante to believe he had the upper-hand. Rapidly sliding toward his opponent, Dante positioned his sword to lunge and impale the youngster.

"Damn…" Sora uttered, unprepared to match the speed of that last move. Putting his tough skin to the test, he simply waited and braced himself.

SLAM! The tip of Rebellion landed right in the center of Sora's chest, pushing him into the hood of a moving automobile. However, Sora's body wasn't finished moving; ricocheting from said automobile, he smacked into the pavement and rolled across numerous N.P.C.'s, knocking them down like bowling pins.

Hustling back to his feet, the young Keyblade Master groaned, "Ugh."

"Stee-rike," Dante quipped with a pose. "Give it up, kid. You'll only die if you stay here."

"That's the idea…"

"Sora!" Kairi suddenly called, catching up to their inner-city struggle. "You don't have to prove anything! We can go home now."

She'd stopped amidst the pile of fallen tourists, waiting in the left side of his periphery. While stepping on some guy's solar plexus, Sora let those words sink in. Until now, he'd been defending himself. The only person he'd willingly gone out of his way to hurt was Kairi, and there she was begging him to withdraw.

"Not yet. People want me dead, so guess what? I'm gonna die…"

She grabbed his arm. "Listen to how stupid you sound! You've gone fight-crazy and completely forgotten who you are."

After defeating foe after foe that day, Sora had learned to recognize his enemy. It was usually someone or something with the clear intention of impeding his forward momentum. Thanks to his fun-first attitude on life, that enemy could turn out to be anyone, really. But as he stood there facing a demon hunter armed with guns and plenty of sharp objects, Sora had to admit to himself that Dante wasn't the enemy. It wasn't even Kairi, and she probably had an axe to grind regarding the whole thing with him Keyblade-stabbing her earlier. The enemy was none other than himself.

Finally, after a long pause, Sora relinquished his will to fight. "You win, Dante. There's some place else I have to be."

Kairi beamed. "See? That wasn't so hard."

Withdrawing his sword, Dante chuckled and said, "Guess who just found a new rival to train for."

"I'm hoping it's not just her." Sora smiled back at Kairi. "I guess we should train more, too, demon hunter."

Confused at first, Dante then burst out laughing, replying, "Whatever. Clever kid."

That's when Morrigan came buzzing over from nowhere. "Hey, now! Don't tell me that's all the fighting I get to see!"

Sora shook his head no, happy to tell the flying succubus, "Not a chance, but we do have to get going. When I come back, don't be afraid to jump in the fray, too, okay Scottish Boob-Lady?"

That quip had earned a laugh from Dante and a scoff from Kairi. However, Morrigan's reaction was to send a swarm of bats straight into Sora's unsuspecting form, using the colony to lift the young warrior ten feet in the air.

"That's Princess Morrigan Aensland to you, ruffian! And If I must repeat myself, I'll have my pets chew out your liver."

"I can see down your shirt!" Sora informed.

* * *

 **\- X-**

Vergil was a devil of class. He stayed up to date on current events, maimed plenty of weaklings, and even dated regularly. With some tastefully classical music droning in the background, Vergil sat relaxed in his office space, chatting online with a gorgeous woman via webcam.

"So, you shoot giant robot monsters…with a bow and arrow?"

The red-haired girl on Vergil's monitor laughed before responding, "Sometimes I use those monsters against each other. The best part is when they try to gang up on me, thinking that'll work the twentieth time."

"See, I'm more of a swordsman than a monster hunter—my skillset would be grossly overqualified in your world." Vergil sounded sure of himself.

The girl, named Aloy, was amused by the half-devil's confidence. She said, "Well if that's the case, I gotta see you put those skills to the test in Mon-Hun-World. How about it? A little competition between you and me?"

Dialing up that classy bullshit, Vergil smirked and said, "Well, I'd be a fool to turn down such a bold request. Are you free this weekend?"

Aloy smiled right back and said, "I'll have to give my schedule a quick once-over, but if I'm free, I'll send you an invite."

Vergil deduced that she was clearly bullshitting in this relationship, so he made a mental note to screw her sideways while calling her vicious names in the bedroom later.

Suddenly, an alert from the Capcom Boss buzzed on his personal computer.

Thankful for the distraction, Vergil told Aloy, "Hey, let me get back at you. Business is calling."

"'Til next time, hot-stuff."

"Hmph. Sure." Maybe he'll avoid those vicious names. Ending the call, he started another face-time with the forever-enshrouded in darkness Capcom Boss. "What's up."

"Vergil. Pleasure to see you again."

The devil in blue retorted, "Can't say the same because, as usual, you reside in shadows."

"Silly me. I'll get straight to the kicker. There's a group of naughty individuals who need capturing on our home world. Less than a few hours ago, a pink hippo and his teenage girl sidekick literally crashed a meeting I was having in Capcom HQ."

"They literally crashed your meeting?" Vergil repeated disbelievingly.

The boss's shadow nodded. "They came in through window in some flying minivan. I was willing to overlook this tomfoolery until the exact same group of fools became involved with a crap-ton of carnage in the middle of downtown Capcom."

Vergil piped up, "Your point?"

"This is chaos that desperately needs rectifying. We're losing N.P.C.'s left and right. You know how much our economy depends on them!"

The half-devil rolled his eyes. "Get Dante to do it. I'm busy."

"Dante's already involved," the boss replied, much to Vergil's annoyance. "He, as well as Morrigan and Chris Redfield all seem unable to contain the situation. And now there's a Lombax and his pet robot horse-dicking around in a space ship. And last but not least, there's a kid using a Keyblade—no doubt a citizen of Square Enix."

Vergil paused in pretending to look busy. "Did you say…a Keyblade?"

"Yes. The Keyblade-user has been fighting with Dante."

Hearing that, Vergil began preparing to leave.

"No one knows what his goal is. He even attacked the girl, who we all assumed was his friend-zone dick-teaser. Vergil, I want all these outsiders captured and detained for questioning…and possibly slave work, too. If that's not achievable…then you can kill them at your leisure."

Meditating briefly, Vergil affirmed before making his leave, "Right away. ETA between Overcross and Capcom is twenty minutes."

* * *

 **-X-**

"No way. What kinda sword is shaped like a giant key?" Travis couldn't believe his ears.

"I don't know. He's a whack-job, for sure. But there's already a ton of rumors about a bounty for this kid and his friends."

Coincidentally, Travis Touchdown was cruising through the Mushroom Kingdom on his suped-up motorcycle, the Schpeltiger. Talking hands-free, he inquired, "Duke…how much is this bounty?"

"No one knows, but the boss of Capcom seems willing to negotiate something big. You thinkin' about gettin' in on the action?"

"Hell yeah. How much trouble could a kid and his girlfriend be?"

"I guess we'll find out soon. Duke Nukem out!"

Just then, Travis drove past an ice cream truck parked on the side of the road. No sooner after passing it did the truck start tailing Travis's ride.

"Crap…not this guy again." The otaku mercenary slammed the gas pedal.

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora overpowered Morrigan's bats and made a smooth landing. Sounding annoyed, he admitted, "You know, I'd rather finish this fight here and now. I still owe you for that hit in the chest, Dante. But, seeing as how we've caused utter chaos, I guess enough is enough."

"You're an interesting guy, Sora." Dante shrugged, also admitting, "It was a cheap-shot, anyway."

Ratchet, Clank, and Murray strolled onto the scene, ready to give their goodbyes. The first to speak, Clank addressed them all, "Whatever tensions reside between you, I can only hope has dissipated. It was still nice meeting you all."

"Yeah, what he said," Murray grunted. He looked about ready to uppercut something.

"Did someone say cheesecake?" Kairi asked out of the blue. "Sorry. Long day."

"Ahem, no, but we have fruit smoothies!" said a metallic voice from up above.

Just then, Murray grumbled, "I swear on all that is holy, if something else punches me, blows up, or swings a frickin' sword…"

Kairi recognized the two colorful villains descending upon the scene. Furiously, she accosted them, "Hey—it's you two jerks!"

The guy in the green cape and the dude in the purple cape were both holding fruit smoothies as they levitated above street-level. Pleasantly, Dr. Doom greeted, "How goes your day, Your Frailness?"

"Have you seen our monster lately? We sort of lost track of him," Magneto explained.

"Those guys are the reason Nemesis was chasing me!" Kairi seethed in rage. Shuddering, she added, "They were planning on destroying a whole factory with him, too."

Casually, Morrigan greeted them, "Dr. Doom, Magneto. Top of the morning to ya."

"It's almost lunch-time," Murray moaned.

In over-the-top fashion, Kairi declared, "We stopped your plan to use Nemesis! Now, there's nowhere to run! Prepare to get your asses kicked, fruit-boys!"

Sora intervened, "Uh, actually, let me stop you right there. I was totally planning on leaving in the next minute or so. But, uh…you're more than welcome to fight those guys yourself."

"Ehrm…" She chose to hide behind him.

Ignoring Kairi's nonsense, Magneto stated, "It's no big deal if you can't find him. Also, what the hell happened here? It looks like the ending of an Avengers movie."

Sora suggested, "Hm…I guess we should try to clean up before we leave."

"I'm not pickin' up a gosh-darn thing," Murray stated. "C'mon, Ratchet. That's our cue!"

The Lombax concurred. "Good idea. I ain't gettin' stuck doing clean up duty."

Sora looked at Kairi, who stared back. Then, he said, "We should go look for Aqua."

"Huh. You know, I forgot she existed."

* * *

 **-X-**

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of space, a great deal of intergalactic tension appeared around Capcom's world. Represented by a transparent, red haze, this tension stretched across the plane of space, going all the way into Square Enix HQ.

Even more worrying were the appearances of various vessels heading toward the world of Capcom. Fast in their approach, the squad deployed by Nomura traveled along the astral road in outer space. One vehicle, the Regalia from FFXV, seated both Ignis and Gladiolus. The other vehicle, a motorcycle called Fenrir, carried Cloud Strike.

Unbeknownst to their party, Vergil traveled within an intergalactic taxicab, hailing from Overcross University. He had been meditating intensely, visualizing a battle with a true Keyblade Master.

A third party was utilizing the astral road, driving straight toward Capcom. Travis Touchdown, riding aboard his Schpeltiger, was currently being chased by that ice cream truck from earlier. The driver of said ice cream truck was none other than Needles Kane, a mass murdering psychopath cackling behind a perpetually burning clown mask.

"Heheheh…I'm coming to the party, too!"


	12. Nierly Beloved

**A/N:** I apologize ahead of time for the egregious pacing of this chapter. Like seriously drink a Red Bull or better yet take breaks.

 **Chapter 12: Nierly Beloved**

"Hold this," Sora commanded.

Kairi took the Kingdom Key, noticing it was heavier than it looked. Timidly, she asked, "Okay…but what for?"

"You still haven't officially trained with Merlin, have you?" Sora chuckled. "It's hard to believe you survived this long without knowing how to wield one."

She swung it around. "Yeah, it wasn't easy. Funny story—the only weapon I've used all day was a cucumber…"

"Well, I hope you put it to good use." He went on to explain the fundamentals of Keyblade wielding, neglecting to notice the red circles under his new student's eyes, "It's all in the flick of the wrist. The more magic spells you learn, the easier it becomes to summon it."

Scoffing suddenly, Kairi brought up, "Not that I don't appreciate the free lesson, but aren't we supposed to be looking for a certain someone?"

"Oh…right."

Both mature-for-their-age-teens had already bid their farewells, now seated in the _Highwind_ , which was still helmless. Their current goal was to go searching for a missing-slash-abandoned Keyblade Master wearing an extra smedium young boy's outfit. However, Sora appeared to be stalling.

"About Aqua," he started. Kairi was seated directly beside him, courtesy of movable chairs.

"What about her?"

"That whole thing on Kupo+ was an overblown rumor. We never fucked."

She scanned him deeply. "Oh. Well…I wasn't really concerned—"

"Yeah, you were. She and I just got way too drunk, way too naked, and well, the list goes on. But truth is, we never even got that close."

Dropping any trace of cynicism, Kairi replied, "It's okay. I believe you—"

"Not when we went skinny-dipping, not when I super-glued my junk to her trunk, and not even when we took a shower this morning, humping like crazy to detach our—ow!"

Kairi had socked him in the jaw. Blankly staring forward, she stated, "I had no control over that. I just could not stop myself."

Sora massaged his chin. "Well, at least you know the truth. I couldn't give a crap about the rest of the world."

She took over massaging the chin she just struck. "I'm glad you told me. Now let's go fucking find Aqua so we can get the fuck out of this twisted fucking place. Please."

"Agreed!"

And so, Sora hit the ignition. No sooner after doing that did he glance up and notice a rocket headed straight for their vessel. So, then the Highwind exploded into a thousand pieces, which was no big deal. Reassembling it really wasn't a hassle. Just one press of a button on his car keys had that thing jumping back together in no time. However, putting himself (and Kairi) back together was not as simple, so avoiding being caught up within the blast was a crucial element to their survival.

Snatching up his girlfriend, Sora super-jumped his way out of there, landing back on the street with Kairi riding piggyback.

Still holding the Kingdom Key, Kairi gave her analysis on the situation, "…" Actually, she didn't say a word. Both she and Sora stared in awe at the sight of an ice cream truck sailing through the air. And then, machine guns happened.

More descriptively, a pair of Gatling guns mounted by each rearview mirror unleashed a storm of bullet-hell over the immediate area; making like Kermit the Frog, Sora leapt over to the nearest building, running up its side to escape becoming bullet-fodder. Reaching the top of the apartment complex, Sora and Kairi found their bearings amid the unraveling chaos.

"I'm gonna need that back!" said Sora, reclaiming his Kingdom Key.

That's when they heard what sounded like an attack-chopper zeroing in on their position. Facing an incredible amount of rushing wind, Sora spotted a grizzled man in uniform leap down on their rooftop, scowling like a coldblooded mercenary.

"And you are?" said Sora, standing guard.

"The Capcom Boss wants the two of you brought in for questioning. And possibly slave work." The man had an eyepatch over his right eye. "I'd like to bring you in alive."

"Sorry, we're in a hurry." Sora looked over his shoulder, sensing the reappearance of the killer ice cream truck.

Only it wasn't an ice cream truck anymore; flying up to their level was robot mech suit evidently transfigured from its previous incarnation.

The man in the eyepatch exclaimed, "Get lost, Kane! My fight's not with you!"

"Blow it out your ass!" the driver of the mech suit yelled. "I wanna see those little kiddies bleed!"

Getting Sora and Kairi's attention, the older man proposed, "Come with me!"

"Get real! You just said you wanted to arrest us!" Sora shouted back.

"Sora! Look out!" Kairi suddenly yelled.

The deadly mech suit had chucked a bomb shaped like a clown-head; the intended target was the attack-chopper.

Sora, Kairi, and the military man dove to the floor, narrowly avoiding the helicopter's explosion. While prone on the rooftop's surface, the military man drew a handgun and fired several shots at the clown-themed robot's cockpit.

"Die!" the robot's driver bellowed, stampeding towards the trio.

Suddenly, a woman's voice called from above, "Look alive, darlings!"

Morrigan Aensland came swooping in for their rescue; taking both Sora and Kairi by their hands, Morrigan flew them off the rooftop and attempted to find a safer haven.

Kairi asked, "Morrigan—what's going on?"

"There may or may not be a bounty placed over both your heads," she timidly explained.

Sora remarked, "Great. Why am I not surprised?"

Out of nowhere, a futuristic flying car rammed Morrigan from behind, causing her to drop her precious cargo. While falling in midair, Sora took hold of Kairi and started gliding around the city, looking for any part of town that wasn't trying to kill them.

The futuristic vehicle then did a U-turn, heading straight for them. Thinking quickly, Sora threw Kairi upwards, readied his weapon, and split the vehicle directly down the middle. Stretching out his arms, he caught Kairi and continued flying throughout the city.

The person piloting the now destroyed hover-car plummeted to the ground. After a rough landing, the man spoke into a wrist-mounted communicator, "Falcon to McCloud! The suspects are northbound!"

Morrigan regrouped with Sora and Kairi, grabbing them once more. Addressing her sore derriere, she grumbled, "That bugger was exceptionally rude!"

"Where are these people even coming from?" Kairi asked.

Sora gazed up above them, noticing more bad news. "Morrigan—look out!"

He maneuvered himself to receive an incoming laser shot meant for Morrigan's back; screeching in pain, the teenager fell from the succubus' grasp, smoking from the laser shot to the chest.

Just then, a slick-looking spacecraft came racing down from the sky, gunning for Morrigan and Kairi. Shielding them both with her wings, Morrigan angled downward to catch up to Sora. Kairi reached out to grapple onto the fallen warrior's Keyblade; taking hold, she pulled Sora in close just as Morrigan unleashed a bevy of homing missiles from her shapeshifting wings.

The missiles swarmed and crashed into the spacecraft, sending it flipping into the street. Deciding the sky wasn't safe enough, Morrigan touched down near a city park. Frantically, she told them, "The two of you need a plan to get far away from here!"

Sora countered, "Well, my ship just got wrecked, so I'm open to suggestions."

"Maybe we can call a B'uber?" Kairi thought out loud.

Sora shook his head. "That'll take too long. We can't run forever. I'm thinking we turn ourselves in and hope for the best."

Morrigan informed them, "It's not quite that simple. That bounty is listed as 'dead or alive,' and the reward is the same for either. That usually means someone really hates you."

"How about that guy with the eyepatch," said Sora. "So far, he was the only one willing to take us alive."

"They blew up his chopper, remember?" said the princess.

This was getting ridiculous. Sora sighed, then proposed, "Go with Morrigan, and get to safety. I'll distract everyone hoping to make a buck off our corpses."

She frowned. "You're being stupid again."

"Just go, Kairi."

"I'm not going anywhere."

Travis Touchdown had been speeding on his motorbike, gunning straight for the trio on the sidewalk. Then, he suddenly stopped on a dime, leapt from the driver's seat, and swung his Beam Katana in a way that targeted all three of them.

Acting fast, Sora jumped and parried Travis's surprise attack, effectively protecting himself, Morrigan, and Kairi. Dishing out air combos left and right, Sora and Travis initiated a lightning-fast skirmish of Keyblade against Beam Katana; shortly afterward, both fighters ran alongside each other deeper into the park area, hammering their weapons with maximum prejudice.

Just then, another motorcycle screamed on the scene, courtesy of Cloud Strife. Coming to a gradual stop, he dismounted his ride and said, "We have to get you guys home."

"Cloud!" Kairi shrieked. "Please tell me you're not here for a bounty!"

"Nope, but Square Enix wants to have a word with you," Cloud informed. "You can guess what it's about."

Kairi sighed. "Well, that's good and dandy, but we're kind of trying to stay alive, here."

Suddenly, Morrigan elbowed the younger girl, flirtatiously saying, "Kairi…hurry up and introduce me to your friend."

Kairi sighed again. "Morrigan, Cloud Strife. Cloud Strife, Morrigan."

"Cloud Strife! It's an honor to finally meet you! Kairi's told me so much about you."

Kairi scoffed. "I've literally said nothing about him until now."

Posing with his Buster Sword, Cloud ignored the younger princess. "Really? Huh. I didn't know she was such a fan."

Just then, the Regalia pulled up, producing both Ignis and Gladio, the latter of whom commented, "Geez, this place is a butt-crack. Hey, what's up Kairi!"

"Gladio, Ignis," Kairi grumbled.

Ignis reported, "We need to get you and Sora back to Square Enix HQ. Since you've been away, our world's been getting ravaged with bounties—all of them placed over you and Sora!"

Meanwhile, Morrigan was still fishing around. "Oh, me, oh, my. I never knew you had such virile male friends, Kairi."

Apparently impressed, Gladio asked, "Yo, Kairi. Who's your new friend?"

"She's—"

"I am Morrigan Aensland, Ruler of Makai," Morrigan answered. "It's a pleasure to have you."

Gladio chuckled, "Well, the pleasure's all—"

"JUST FIND SORA!" Kairi suddenly shouted.

Pointing at a dueling pair of swordsman screaming their way out the park, Cloud replied, "Found him."

Ignis recognized the other duelist. "What the—? That's Travis Touchdown. He must be trying to collect the bounty, as well!"

Gladio spotted more bad news speeding in their direction. "Aaaand I'm willing to bet he's here for the same reason."

Screaming down the street was Needles Kane in his mobile killing machine, a truck aptly named Sweet Tooth. Unleashing another storm of machine gun fire, the clown-man slammed the turbos and screeched, "I should write a book! Title it, 'To Kill a Pretty Boy'!"

Morrigan grabbed Kairi and dove out the way; Cloud, Ignis, and Gladio each jumped to the side. Meanwhile, Sora and Travis were still dueling, just noticing the presence of flying bullets. Blocking one last overhead strike, Sora withdrew from the fight and leapt skyward.

Travis, on the other hand, just barely noticed the ice cream truck hurtling straight for him. Strategically, he jumped on Sweet Tooth's hood, nullifying most of the impact.

Apparently sick of the clown's shenanigans, Travis shouted before ramming his katana through the windshield, "Just die, you freakin' lunatic!"

Needles Kane dodged the katana, opting to retaliate with a shotgun blast that utterly shattered his windshield. Taking the buckshot straight to the chest, Travis flew off the hood and rolled sidelong to avoid being squashed.

Back with the Squeenix rescue team, Sora rejoined them with an exhausted look. Hastily, he suggested, "Get Kairi out of here. I've gotta take of care business."

"No way, Sora," Cloud responded. "You have to come with us. It's for your own safety."

"You'll become collateral damage if you try to help. Just leave me."

"Dammit, Sora, this isn't a game!" Cloud swore, throwing a hand to Sora's shoulder. "Nomura sent us here on a fetch-quest, but clearly you need allies more than anything. Screw the mission, we just need to make it out of here alive."

Kairi smiled at Cloud's proposal. Meanwhile, Sora was touched, practically on the brink of tears. With shimmering puppy-dog eyes, he said, "Really? That's…that's…!"

"That's far enough!" said Chris Redfield a few yards away. Pointing his gun at Sora's head, he commanded, "Step away from the teenager, all of you!"

Morrigan hotly retaliated, "You're making a big mistake, Chris! These children are in danger!"

"We're not children," Kairi muttered.

"The Capcom Boss wants them both. I'm willing to let Kairi get away, but the other one's coming with me!"

Gladio took a battle stance, addressing the Umbrella agent, "Listen, pal! You need to put that peashooter down and let us handle it!"

Ignis added, "You're in over your head, soldier-boy."

Standing between Sora and Redfield, Morrigan stated, "The boss is wrong for doing this, Chris. You need to let them pass."

"I saw the video of that kid stabbing Kairi," Redfield replied. "I don't know how she's still standing, but that kid's got a lot to answer for."

"Sora wasn't trying to hurt me!" Kairi suddenly piped up.

"Yes, I was…" muttered the fugitive Keyblader.

"He was only, uh…fixing me! Now that I've been…blessed by his weapon, I can totally see the light!" Kairi was grasping at straws.

Chris Redfield wasn't moved. "Save it. I've got a job to do…" Sprinting in the opposite direction, he spoke into a hidden communicator, "Light the place up!"

And with that, a battalion of attack-choppers swarmed the area, blasting every square inch with machine guns and rocket fire.

Once again, Morrigan took hold of Kairi and flew her to safety. Sora, Cloud, Ignis, and Gladio all scattered like ants, narrowly avoiding the sudden blitzkrieg.

"We gotta get rid of those choppers!" Cloud said amid the chaos.

And that's when a certain taxicab pulled up next to Morrigan and Kairi.

Exiting said vehicle was a white-haired man in a blue coat, brandishing a sheathed samurai sword. Staring the succubus deep in the eye, he asked, "Where is he?"

Pretending to assume he meant someone else, Morrigan replied, "Your brother? Oh, he's uh…at his shop. You should visit him soon."

"I meant the boy who wields the Keyblade," Vergil clarified.

Kairi spat, "And who are you supposed to be?"

He leveled his cold gaze with the glaring princess. "You must be the other fugitive."

Just then, a flipping, tumbling ice cream death-truck came crashing between the two parties, smoking from some unknown damage. In the moment the tumbling truck had come between them, Morrigan took Kairi and flew straight upward, hoping to lose the powerful demon.

Vergil kept watch; he summoned a series of glowing blue swords above his head and shot them after the fleeing succubus.

Kairi had noticed the summoned swords, screaming, "Behind you!"

" _AAH!"_ Morrigan screamed, taking one magic blade to the center of her back; the blade pierced its target before breaking like glass.

She dropped Kairi, who now plummeted to the ground with little hope of survival. Closing her eyes, she braced for impact, but again, death would not have her. She had fallen into the cozy arms of a certain pink hippopotamus.

Murray asked, "Did ya miss me?"

"Murray!" And then behold, Kairi showed her gratitude by kissing the hippo.

Meanwhile, Ratchet and Clank were piloting their spacecraft, Aphelion, using its cannons to shoot down all the Umbrella helicopters. Right on cue, Ratchet roared in excitement, "Woo-hoo!"

During the wreckage of various aircrafts, Vergil spotted Sora shooting fire spells at the remaining helicopters not far down the road.

"There you are!" he said aloud, teleporting right next to the boy.

"Huh?" Sora uttered right before taking a hard boot to the abdomen.

"You could've died right there," Vergil remarked. "Tell me there's more to a Keyblade wielder than that."

From the ground, Sora grimaced and retorted, "Who invited you, anyway?"

Cloud and Ignis came to Sora's aid, standing between him and Vergil. The soldier from Nibelheim spoke up, "Turn back and run away. Our fight's not with you."

"But it will be if you continue to pick on Sora," Ignis added, wielding two knives.

Sneering, Vergil stated, "I came here to challenge a Keyblade Master, so the two of you can promptly excuse yourselves."

"Screw this!" Cloud then charged upon the half-devil, swinging his sword with the utmost intent to kill.

Vergil teleported again, appearing right above the blonde hero; he switched to a broadsword and slashed downward, crashing his blade against the Buster Sword.

Suddenly, Travis Touchdown returned to the fray, dashing with great quickness. Stepping between Sora and the incoming assassin, Gladiolus blocked Travis's sidelong strike. Also coming to Sora's defense, Ignis stood guard while Chris Redfield reentered the fray. The attacking Umbrella agent wielded a stun baton while clashing with the royal getaway driver.

While everyone around him was fighting, Sora stopped and looked for Kairi. His search was cut short due to an airborne chainsaw flying straight for him.

"This is turning out to be a really lousy day," Sora quoted Nathan Drake, also swatting the chainsaw away.

Apparently, Sweet Tooth had no shortage of chainsaws; leaping at Sora with another outdoor power tool, Kane met the teenager halfway in midair, both clashing their weapons.

Just then, Chris delivered an uppercut to Ignis. Shortly afterward, he quick-drew his machine gun and fired relentlessly at Sora; the endangered boy simultaneously repelled the flying bullets as well as Kane's chainsaw. All the while, he and the clown were still airborne.

That's when he sensed something shooting towards him from behind; Sora whirled around and blocked a beeline kick courtesy of Vergil. Like lightning, the half-devil slashed with the scabbard of his sword; even faster, Sora swiped the scabbard away.

Kane, Sora, and Vergil all dropped back to the ground, initiating a flurry of strikes between all three. Travis jumped over Gladio, attempting to chop Sora from above; Cloud stopped this attack, slamming his sword into the side of the surprisingly durable assassin.

While Travis went flying, Chris had just reloaded his machine gun, taking aim at the group of swordsmen battling to the death. That's when Ignis dashed from behind and disarmed the Umbrella agent. Taking him by surprise, Ignis held a blade up to Chris's throat, snarling, "Don't even think about it."

Suddenly, a circular neon platform appeared beneath Sora, Vergil, Cloud, and Sweet Tooth. It appeared to be holographic, but on closer inspection, the blue, neon platform was unquestionably solid, lifting all four brawlers skyward.

"What the hell's going on?" Cloud shrieked, catching his balance.

"This is a fight between him and I," Vergil declared for Cloud. "You and the clown need to leave."

The glowing blue platform continued rising skyward, passing numerous rooftops and peaks. Giving the disappearing ground a glimpse, Cloud retorted, "You first."

Sweet Tooth growled, "I'm not leaving 'til someone's bleed—ahhh!"

Thanks to a straight punch from Vergil, Sweet Tooth had gone flailing off the platform. Following up with a high-kick to Cloud's skull, Vergil finally cleared the platform of clutter. Staring Sora down, the power-hungry demon surmised, "You will not forget this devil's power."

Confused, Sora uttered, "I've seen you before…but where?"

The platform stopped rising, resting above thousands of futuristic structures, bridges and buildings alike. Drawing his katana, the Yamato, Vergil quipped, "Let's go with, 'your worst nightmare'."

Sora was running low on fuel; as he traded slashes with his opponent, the young Keyblader dared to run away from the fight, to take Kairi and flee, but such an act would go against his very nature as a hero-type. He probably wouldn't win this skirmish. After all, this so-called devil had gone through the trouble of isolating themselves thousands of feet in the air. The least Sora could do was get himself killed for this man.

The sound of an approaching aircraft interrupted Sora's admittedly suicidal thinking. Blocking Vergil's broadsword, the Force Edge, Sora noticed a red ship by the name of Aphelion zeroing in on their position. No sooner after stopping just above the dueling pair did Aphelion's helm pop open, revealing Ratchet, Clank, and even Kairi in the cockpit.

"Sora!" she called down.

"Stay back!" he commanded, locking sabers with Vergil.

Ratchet replied, "Good idea!"

"Don't hate me for this…" Kairi leapt down to the floating platform, taking everyone by surprise. Addressing both fighters, she stated, "This ends now. No one's dying today."

"You should never have come here," said Vergil.

"Yeah, well…" Kairi paused at Vergil's wording. Then she said, "Sora might not agree, but he needs me right now."

Sora added, "Kairi…I'm actually glad you came."

"Huh…?" Once again, she paused at the wording. What Sora said next made her paranoid.

"I love you."

Unlike Dante, Vergil held no warmth in his eyes. "Enough of this."

Vergil lunged forward with the broadsword. However, his attack stopped short, repelled by a flash of light originating from Kairi's hand.

Looking like she'd just been struck by lightning, Kairi suddenly felt the addition of a tremendous weight on her person. Wielding it with uncertainty, the princess of light had unwittingly summoned Destiny's Embrace, her very own Keyblade.

"Look at you," Sora remarked. "A master in the making."

Vergil let his amusement show. Smiling fixedly, he said, "I get it, now. You were both Keyblade wielders all along. This must be my lucky day."

Sora replied, "Not exactly—"

"That's Keyblade _Masters_ , to you!" Kairi interrupted. Taking a battle stance, she beckoned Vergil with one defiant hand, challenging him, "Bring it on!"

Unlike Dante, who was being flown in by Morrigan, Vergil had no intention of prolonging this fight; dashing to impale Kairi, Vergil's attack was once again quelled by an outside force, namely his twin brother. Having been dropped from Morrigan's grasp, the demon-hunter deflected Vergil's sword with his Rebellion.

Sounding the opposite of happy to see him, Vergil seethed in anger, _"Dante…"_

"Well this is awkward," Dante assessed the situation.

"What do you think you're doing? You already had your chance to fight the Keyblade wielder!"

Swords locked, Dante muttered back, "I guess I'm feeling greedy today…"

Sora piped up, "Holy crap. They're twins."

"Damn you…" Vergil suddenly transformed, taking shape of a scaly, blue devil. Dante followed suit, ditching his human side in favor of a red devil. As they began wailing on each other with every demonic weapon in their arsenal, Kairi felt the need to say…

"I couldn't let you do this alone, you know."

Sora smiled at her.

Just then, Vergil bellowed in his devil-triggered voice, _"Stand aside!"_ Slashing Dante across the chest, he managed to stagger his twin brother before kicking him out of the way. Then, in one swift motion, Vergil lunged forward and stabbed anything holding a Keyblade.

Kairi had been facing Sora when she felt Force Edge pierce her back, and her smile didn't waver. She'd fallen into Sora's arms as the demonic blade skewered Sora shortly after.

Returning to his human form, Vergil relished his victory. "Keyblade wielders have no place in this world. Never have, never will. Hmph…such a pitiful weapon. Clearly, a devil like myself has no need for it after all."

Vergil ripped his weapon free from both Keybladers. As he did so, he barely noticed the white scars glowing on both their bodies. Unwittingly, Vergil had driven his sword directly through their mysterious wounds.

Sora took a step backward, willingly falling off the platform's edge with Kairi holding on tight. As the pair sailed downward, Sora began losing consciousness, prompting Kairi to whisper, "I love you, too."

Vergil and Dante continued dueling on the floating platform. And so, it came to occur while Sora and Kairi dropped from such a high altitude, that a futuristic flight suit zoomed after them. There appeared to be a pilot, a girl dressed in all black with silver hair and a blind-fold; this girl commandeered her flight suit to reach out and catch Sora and Kairi.

"Gotcha!" the girl, namely 2B, shouted, taking them both by the waistline. "Let's hope I'm not too late!"

* * *

 **-X-**

"It's official. Luna's gonna kill me," Noctis fretted, soaking up the sunlight with his best bud.

Prompto was busy looking through binoculars, totally studying a group of girls for science. "Stop worrying, Noct. Oo—write this down! Boobs jiggle like crazy when girls start running."

"What, are they running from the creep peeping at them?" Noct asked, squinting at the beach girls below the ravine.

"Nah, they're like, having a race, or something," Prompto reported. "Dude, imagine if Kairi had chest cannons like these chicks. Kingdom Hearts would finally make sense!"

"I won't disagree with you there," said Noct.

The boys were relaxing at an outdoor restaurant that overlooked the beach from the top of a ravine, complete with a pool and patio.

Prompto gossiped, "Hey, you know—I heard one of those girls down there is actually a vampire—"

"Fancy meeting you two here!" said Terra, approaching with Xemnas and Ansem.

Prompto scoffed. "What are you three douche-whistles lookin' at?"

Shaking his head, Noctis said, "Yeah, we don't want any trouble, guys."

"Whatcha doin'? Checkin' out the talent, or being a couple of pervs?" Terra laughed. "Who am I kidding? We all came to do the exact same thing! Right, boys?"

Ansem said, "Sure. And to kill these guys, right?"

"Well, duh. Start with the annoying one." Terra narrowed his gaze at the blonde man.

"I'll do the honors," said Xemnas. "Oh, Prompto…"

Standing up from their table, Prompto exclaims, "You guys can't be serious!"

"Apparently, they are," said Noct, checking his social media. "These guys just got done with a rampage at Square Enix." Xemnas delivered an uppercut to Prompto's chin. "Damn. Looks like they totally wasted a bunch of people—mainly dudes." Then, Xemnas crane-kicked Prompto in the body five times, keeping the blonde photographer airborne with juggle combos. "Ah, shit—they cut Cid in half! Not our Cid, the one from FF VII."

"NOCTIS—HELP!" Prompto screamed in agony, still yet to touch the ground.

Noctis looks up from his phone. "Oh, shit. You're getting combo'd to death!"

Suddenly, Ansem walks up to the seated king and commands him, "On your feet!" Noctis shot up to a standing position. "Good. Now observe my colleague's combo structure."

Noctis watched Xemnas continuously pummel Prompto with no end. "Okay…?"

"Observe closer!"

"I'm observing!" screamed Noctis, bulging his eyes out. Meanwhile, Xemnas was comboing Prompto all the way down the ravine, interrupting the beach girls' footrace.

"Good," said Ansem. "Now watch closely as I do the same thing to you."

And so, both Ansem and Xemnas were responsible for juggling Noctis and Prompto, respectively. A waitress came to serve Terra a martini.

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora's Kingdom Hearts One outfit hung loosely from a building's spire in Fortuna City.


	13. Rebels Never Die

**CHAPTER 13: REBELS NEVER DIE**

SORA LOOSENED (sorry) Sora loosened a little space for himself, thankful and eager to exit the flight unit's grip. He noticed Kairi had also reawakened in the safety of the opposite robotic hand.

"I bet you're happy I stabbed you now," Sora quipped over the jet engine. "Remember that? Who would've known Keyblade-stabbing could save our lives…again?"

Shimmying some elbow room, Kairi breathed a sigh of relief. She glanced over at Sora's abdominal region and saw that his glowing Keyblade scar was sealing itself shut. Looking down at her own wound, she noticed the same phenomenon occurring, feeling a remarkable amount of nothing as it occured.

"2B to Gullwings," 2B spoke into her communicator. "Ready the escape pod."

"Rendezvousing to the checkpoint in T-minus ten seconds!" said an overeager Rikku on the other line.

Noticing Kairi's lull, Sora called, "Hey, you okay?"

She summoned her Keyblade and gave it a once over before admitting, "Peachy."

Suddenly, a Gummi ship resembling a giant yellow chocobo descended upon 2B's flight unit. A trap door structured about the gummi bird's derriere opened itself to reveal a distressed boy with short silver hair. The boy, around Sora's age, held out his hand, yelling, "This is fucking stupid!"

"Too bad—it worked!" 2B replied, handing over both Sora and Kairi. "Thanks to my quick-planning, we were able to save them both."

"Save? You mean, 'capture'!" 9S nearly pushed Sora and Kairi overboard.

2B ditched her flight unit and jumped to the Gummi Chocobo's interior. In response to 9S's outburst, she stated, "Yeah, sorry—I only told you that so you'd help me save Sora. We're not collecting a single cent in ransom money!"

"Who cares about this dumb-lookin' guy and his smokin' hot girlfriend?" said 9S, invoking a scowl from Sora and a microscopic fist-pump from Kairi. Grasping the hilt of his sword, 9S glared through his headband-visor at Sora, grumbling, "We caught them fair and square."

"These two are a part of the mankind we swore to protect. We're getting them out of here," 2B declared. She sent a signal to her flight unit outside, causing it to self-destruct as she closed the Chocobo's ass-latch.

Just then, the three fairy-girls or whatever-the-fuck, Yuna, Paine, and Rikku, appeared in the ship's cabin to greet the new crewmembers. Paine stated loud and clear, "Hey—we just saved both your asses. Time to pay up."

"We didn't ask for your help!" Sora huffed. "We had a good handle on, uh, most things back there!"

Floating over between Paine and Sora, Yuna replied, "Let's just take it easy, eh guys? I have an idea—let's find out if Rikku remembered to put the plane on autopilot!"

"Of course, I remembered!" Rikku sassily responded. "What, d'you think I'm like Vaan, crashing his Girl-Banana like a total dumbass? And then Kwehing a picture of it, like an even further dumbass?"

"I trust you, Rikku," Yuna replied good-naturedly.

"Wait a minute—why the hell am I even here?" 9S suddenly yells in agonized confusion.

Letting her adrenaline subside with a quick aerobics session, 2B said, "Of course, you had a purpose, 9S. I needed your added muscle just in case we dealt with more resistance, or something like that…"

"Oh, this is bullshit. If we're not getting paid to bust our asses, then I'm outta here!" And with that, 9S kicked open the latch and leapt out.

Addressing the Gullwings, Kairi asked, "So, why did you three save us?"

"It was a favor for 2B," Paine revealed.

Yuna added, "And we couldn't pass up the opportunity to drop headlong into a warzone!"

"Not to mention, we kinda care about you guys," Rikku giggled. "Oh, you didn't know we roll with 2B, now? We live in a mansion together, and we play videogames in our nighties!"

Paine muttered, "More like YOU play videogames in your nighties…"

"Remember, we're on a mission, girls," 2B interjected.

And then, Sora remembered something. "Oh, shit. We gotta go pick up Aqua."

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora's Kingdom Hearts One outfit wafted in the breeze, abandoned atop a building's spire.

Just below, Aqua still sat exposed on the edge of the rooftop, looking somewhere between bored and exponentially pissed off. Then, out of nowhere, she screams, "I'LL KILL YOU, SORA!"

A voice behind her responded, "Wow, these idle threats are really coming up fresh this season."

Aqua jumped in surprise, looking back to see the god of the Underworld loitering on the dome-shaped portion of the rooftop. "It's you!"

From his elevated position on the dome, the Greek deity greeted, "Hello, gorgeous."

"You keep away from me, or I'll light this whole building up!"

"Hmph, I don't doubt you can and probably will. But hear me out, first. From where I'm standing, I can see a, uh…whole lotta things. Not just your porcelain knickknacks, but also a lot of betrayal. Haven't you been left high and dry two-too many times since this morning?"

Aqua frowned in the other direction. "Don't remind me."

Hades snapped his fingers, summoning Aqua's usual outfit to the young Keyblade Master's body. "Figured you were getting cold up here."

Aqua gasped in shock. "Wow…thank you."

"Sure thing, Miss Bluevember. Now, I've been watching a lot of blood and gore lately, so naturally, I'm in a good mood. Whadda'ya say we go round-up Sora and take turns kickin' Terra's keister for a spell, huh? I'll drive." With a snap of the fingers, Hades opened a Corridor of Darkness.

Suddenly, the Gummi Chocobo arrived on the scene, revealing Sora standing in its derriere-centric door piece.

"Speak of the devil," said Aqua heatedly.

Sora called down from the Gullwings' ship, "Let's go!"

Aqua replied, "Hades wants to take us to Terra, and I think we should go."

"Is he through there?" Sora gestured to the swirling oval next to Hades' perplexed form.

"Uh, sure is, kiddo!" Hades replied nervously.

"Good. _Fire!"_

A magic projectile surged through the Corridor of Darkness, exploding on the other side. Lowering his Kingdom Key, Sora rummaged in his pocket before producing the Gummi ship key. Tossing it down to Aqua, he said, "Here. I want it back by tomorrow. Or I'll find you."

Aqua's gaze shifted from hardened to relaxed. Smiling, she told him, "That was generous of you, Sora!"

Lightly pounding his fist twice on the ship's exterior, Sora replied, "Tomorrow." And with that, the Gummi Chocobo departed into the sky.

Shaking his head, Hades glumly exposited, "Jokes on him. That corridor only led to my bedroom."

* * *

 **-X-**

While getting nursed back to good health by Hayner and Pence, Riku inquired about Sora's situation, "So, he totally escaped Capcom's bounty, right? He's not, like, getting decapitated right now, right?"

Hayner activated his smart-alecky response, "I don't know, it's kinda hard to see him across the galaxy right now, so…"

Checking his phone, Pence added, "Actually, it looks like Rikku just Kuposted a picture of Sora and Kairi. Maybe that means they're safe?"

"Wait a minute—did you say Rikku?" said Riku. "No kidding. She was just sucking me off half an hour ago."

Hayner exposited, "Word on the street is that those Gullwing chicks use android replicas of themselves to keep perverts and sex fiends like you at bay."

"Are you saying I got sucked off by an android?" Riku asked in disbelief.

Pence clarified, "Yes, but it really doesn't matter, Riku. What you've been going through is truly unimportant. Face it, Sora's story is far more engaging and way less offensive than yours will ever be. Switch scenes, already."

* * *

 **-X-**

Vergil turned to Dante, questioning him, "That airship—who's was it?"

"The hell should I know?" Dante nursed a couple of katana wounds. "Clearly someone made off with your bounty."

"The money was none of my concern…. I already got what I came for."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Damn. I missed the show," said Zero, arriving on the scene of Fox McCloud's crashed space ship. Noting the carnage, he scoffed, "Whoa. Clearly, YOU didn't."

Smirking, Fox answered, "You're always late for the party, even one in your own world."

"Don't remind me," said a sour Zero. "So, who caught them?"

* * *

 **-X-**

"You're kidding—there was a person in that thing?" Chris Redfield echoed.

"Yep," said Cloud Strife. "And from what I understand, it was Sora's ex-girlfriend who took 'em. She might've even saved 'em judging by how fast they booked it outta here."

"We must still bring them back at all costs," said Ignis responsibly. "I don't doubt Nomura is losing sleep over this fiasco."

"Who you callin' fiasco?" Sweet Tooth growled, awakening on the dented-in roof of a completely totaled sedan.

* * *

 **-X-**

Tomaj spoke to Vaan in the Galbana's cockpit, "Hey, so it turns out that Kairi-girl survived the fall from our ship."

Manning the controls with the box of condoms in his lap, Vaan glumly replied, "Shut up, Tomaj."

"No seriously. She's been posting pictures of Capcom World all day. You think that's where she ended up?"

"Tomaj, how the fuck else did she get there? She hailed a taxi from outer space? You're stupid." Vaan's patience was low.

Tomaj shrugged and said, "Actually, with that astral road thing becoming more common with Superstars, she very well could have—"

"Ohmygod—fucking _dammit,_ Tomaj! I said shut up!" Vaan slammed the dashboard with shaky fists.

Tomaj shrugged and asked, "Everything okay—?"

"Kairi was my everything!" Vaan shrieked. "I…I loved her…"

"You did not love her, Vaan," Tomaj said. "You did not."

"Our bodies touched," said Vaan.

"Um…"

"I carried her sleeping, angelic form on my back—"

"Y'know, a lot of us assumed you had drugged her when we first saw—"

"She…she completed me."

Tomaj suggested, "C'mon, let's just go wrangle up some Grand Theft Auto hookers and call it a day. We'll put that box of condoms to good use. Whadaya say?"

Standing up suddenly from his seat, Vaan cheered with a much brighter countenance, "Now, that's what I'm talking about! That, right there, is why we call you Tomacho-Man! Let's hit the strip club, eh?"

Much like an assclown, Tomaj excitedly agreed, "Hell's yeah! Full speed ahead, Captain!"

During their ensuing series of whimsical handshakes, the entire Galbana quaked from a heavy impact outside.

Vaan slapped his own face. "Whoops. LOL, autopilot, much?"

* * *

 **-X-**

The original party members of the Two-Point-Eight Release Party had finished enjoying their stay at the Lakefront Resort, now departing the small island via yacht. Looking concerned, Mickey reflected on the day's social media meltdowns in the tropical breeze.

"Ya know, I'm starting to think we should've gotten more involved today," said Mickey, leaning against the yacht's railing.

Minnie quickly responded, "For the last time, Sora and Aqua were plenty involved, enough for the rest of us."

"But still…" Mickey couldn't quite figure it out. "How'd he end up in that other world?"

* * *

 **-X-**

The Gummi Chocobo had abandoned Capcom World, now cruising away from the C-centric world. Watching the passing stars through the cockpit's window, Sora suddenly felt the day's battles catch up with him. He let go of his balance, slumping forward on the floor to everyone's surprise.

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora drifted in and out of consciousness during the ride back to Square Enix HQ. His friends persisted in trying to keep him awake but sleep eventually took hold. It wasn't until they reached home turf that Sora completely passed out.

"He's probably got a concussion," Dr. Kairi diagnosed. "Anyone have potions?"

"Fresh out," said Rikku, currently treating herself to the last potion.

The Gummi Chocobo sailed across the skies of Squeenix Headquarters, faithfully flying aloft the cool breeze. Soaring past the administration building and main campus, they flew straight for a neighborhood mostly under construction, stopping just above one of the few completed houses.

"Open sesame!" said Rikku, slapping a button that remotely opened the house's garage. "Now here comes the tricky part…"

"You're gonna fuck up," Paine reminded, intently watching Rikku's parking skills. "You always fuck this up."

BAM! Rikku fucked it up.

"Shit-balls," Rikku swore.

Parking skills notwithstanding, they managed to transport Sora into the house with them, where Kairi noticed a giant indoor waterfall and immediately got a bright idea. With Yuna's help, she put Sora ass-first into the waterfall.

Strangely enough, Sora didn't awaken.

"Oh, my God. He's dead," Rikku concluded prematurely.

Slapping Sora's face, Kairi beckoned the sleeping hero, "C'mon, wake up!"

2B suddenly piped up, "Hey, I got an idea." She left the room and came back with bottles of shampoo and body wash. Seeing the looks the other girls were giving her, she said, "What? He's all sweaty and stuff."

And so it came to pass, while Sora slept with his legs hanging over the edge of the shallow indoor pool, during Kairi's attempts to wake him up, and while Paine got secretly excited to undress a boy, that they all took part in bathing Sora's sleeping form as if he were a house pet.

Kairi and Yuna removed his shirt and shoes, respectively. Rikku undid his belt while 2B and Paine slid off his trousers. All five girls blushed after removing his pants; Sora had been going commando all day.

"Well, uh…I call washing his mushroom tip," said Kairi.

"Then I'll get his ball-sack," 2B replied. She and Kairi glared at each other.

"Sorry, that's included with his ding-a-ling," Kairi said curtly.

Irritated, 2B asked, "So what, you get his whole manhood?"

"Yes, actually, it's a packaged deal," said Kairi with a devious edge.

Still blushing harder than anyone there, Yuna attempted to mediate the situation, "Now girls, we can all take turns washing Sora's manhood—"

"Battle me for it!" 2B challenged, drawing her sword. "Whoever's still breathing gets to wash his cock!"

"Geez, don't be immature," said Paine, taking a wet rag to Sora's pelvis.

"Hey—HEY! Back off!" Kairi shrieked, playing goalie with Sora's soccer balls (and hockey stick).

"Okay, don't kill me," Paine relented.

And so, Kairi took a wet rag in her left hand, a glob of body wash in her right, and started stroking, lathering, rinsing, and stroking again Sora's manhood. It got hard in, like, two seconds.

With their roles finally figured out, the other girls commenced treating Sora like a Nubian monarch. They left no patch uncleansed, even scrubbing between his toes and glutes. It really sucked that Sora wasn't awake for this. Anyway, by the time they finished washing him, removing him from the waterfall pool and draping him a bathrobe, he finally stirred awake.

"Ohhhh, my head," he groaned. "Wait, where am I? And what happened to my clothes?!"

Kairi was first to answer, "You passed out on the ship, so we bathed you."

"You…bathed me?" Sora repeated in disbelief. Loosing his bathrobe, he checked his manhood and commented, "I guess you did a good job. My balls smell like a goddamn garden."

* * *

 **-X-**

 **A/N:** Somehow, this story isn't done yet. Stay tuned as Season 2 of updates rolls out!


	14. Law and Order

**Chapter 14: Law and Order**

The Gullwings' new home included a rooftop view of the headquarters, as well as a helipad, home to a mysterious blank space where Rikku doesn't even attempt to park the Chocobo. In his bathrobe, Sora leaned against the railing, taking a retrospective moment to appreciate the trouble he was in. For sure, it was a lot better than a pit cell in Space Paranoids. More so, miles better than clashing swords with Shan Yu, whose foul breath could be smelt from throwing distance. Already known to him, a squadron of S.E. helicopters had been dispatched to come collect Sora. Meanwhile, footsteps told him he wasn't alone on the roof anymore.

Without turning around, Sora said, "You know, I never found my shirt."

"Oh? At least the rest of your outfit's clean," Kairi said, bringing up his folded jacket and pants. "Also, I hosed down your boots. I implore you do it more often."

"Understood," said Sora. "You'd think those guys would be tired of seein' me."

"Maybe that's what they want to talk about. Getting rid of us once and for all."

Sora didn't hesitate to dismiss that notion. "No way they'd let you go over this. But…there will still be brand new consequences. Because of us, we broke rules they didn't even know existed."

Kairi rolled her eyes, "Then let's get this over with and try not to break anymore. And hey…" She leaned in close. "You look hot, tonight."

Sora cracked up. "But…it's still daytime."

She shook her head, looking off to the incoming choppers. "Just hold on to that…for later."

 **-X-**

The choppers transported both their subjects to S.E. Headquarters in record time and also in separate choppers. After touching down on a freshly waxed helipad, each chopper released its respective detainee into a throng of guards ready to escort them straight to trouble. However, there was also someone else in the crowd awaiting their arrival; he was one of the company's higher-ups, fully clad in samurai armor.

After being released, Sora and Kairi were ushered in front of the chief official, whom they recognized.

"Hey, Yasue," said Kairi with a wretched look.

"You know the drill. Single file, my office." With that, Yasue turned and led them inside the gargantuan building.

Sora went first, letting Kairi and the flanks of guards follow him. After a few twisty-turnzees, they arrived at a door with a non-transparent window, like that of a principal's office or commissioner.

Though some guards tried to follow them in, Yasue wouldn't allow it. And so, within the office, it was just the three of them.

"Guys, what the fuck?" Yasue gasped.

Kairi started babbling, "We had a crazy day, I know—but it was all because of me! I'm the one who trespassed in Capcom World, and Sora was just trying to get me out of trouble! And then this Nemesis guy…or thing kept trying to kill me, there was a pervy guy with white hair, and a Scottish boob-lady—"

"Hush." Yasue took a deep breath. "There will be a High Council meeting starting in thirty minutes, and some Capcom devs may show up to ensure we punish you two correctly."

Kairi brought up, "Hey, what about Aqua? She was all in, too!"

"As if we know where she is—besides, she's BEEN allowed outside campus! And like I said, you've been summoned to the High Council…. Kairi, get off your phone!"

"Sorry!" she apologized. "It's just that I'm not the only thing trending right now. Apparently, Terra, Xemnas, and Ansem went on a killing spree in the middle of Destiny Dorm's courtyard!"

"And?" said an impatient Yasue.

Sora intervened, "And? And—aren't you going to do anything about that?"

"Hm…we shall see about it. But for right now, clearing up your misadventures in Capcom is our main priority."

Sora scoffed. "Right, so we cause a little property damage in another world, and it's a whole civil case. Terra literally kills a bunch of your characters, and he gets to walk scot-free?! Not to mention, that sonuva bitch actually stabbed me with his Keyblade!" Sora stood up and expanded his jacket but forgot the scar had already healed itself. "Oh, yeah. Well, imagine a wicked scar right here, and you get the picture. And it was cutscene-bad!"

"Why is everyone stabbing each other with Keyblades today?" Yasue asked. "Warriors of light do NOT use their weapons for wanton destruction!"

Kairi shrugged and admitted, "I don't know about him, but I felt tingly-tingles when Sora stabbed me. Sorta like being electrocuted without all the overcooked side-effects."

Sora pressed on, "Look, I've been fighting Disney villains and other Videogame Superstars literally since I woke up this morning. If anything, I'm the victim—you're a weirdo, by the way, Kairi—I'm the victim in all this. Did I not mention that Terra's jealousy is the reason I got dropped into the Realm of Darkness in the first place? Geez…. Just trying to escape that place, I had to fight Ursula, Oogie Boogie, Jafar, Scar, Shan-Yu…the pirate guy, too! And don't get me started on the people I faced in Capcom…"

Yasue countered, "First off, for God's sakes—put on a shirt." Reaching into his desk drawer, Yasue took out a dark blue shirt and gave it to Sora (his Kingdom Hearts III shirt). Then, he went on, "Second, Capcom is especially pissed off because you engaged their chief devil hunter in a street brawl without paid promotions. A fight with Dante will always attract Capcom's attention, and you exploited that. And third, in their efforts to arrest you—"

"Kill me," Sora corrected.

"You wound up causing not only exuberant amounts of property damage—but you also sparked a skirmish between Vergil and Dante, the twin half-demons, who, once again, need paid promotions to engage in a fight."

"Okay, that last one wasn't even my fault. They placed a bounty on me, therefore they should expect bad shit to happen."

"Never mind who's at fault. Since Capcom is a rival company to our own, they are most definitely a force to be reckoned with. Goddamit, Sora! Put the shirt on!"

Sighing, the Keyblade-wielder said, "Fine," and put the shirt on.

Yasue went on, "It's best we leave for the council meeting early. Also, fourth, which pirate guy were you talking about?"

"The one from Jack's world," Sora's response came after wracking his brain. "As for Hook, I think Aqua killed him on accident."

"Fair enough. Both of you, follow me."

 **-X-**

They departed from the office and took an elevator to the parking garage. Escorted by a small militia of Square Enix security guards, the steep-in-trouble couple were then ushered into the back of a black van, one of many scattering the enclosed lot.

While stepping in the van, Sora quipped, "What, are we fighting the Avengers next?"

"Good one, Sora," replied one of the security guards, chuckling.

"Thanks, Mendoza."

"Yeah, good one, Sora," Kairi threw in, sounding less pleased than the guard.

Sora sat down next to his fellow detainee, pointing out, "Look on the bright side, Kairi. I got my shirt back."

"I wasn't worried about your stupid shirt. We are in so much trouble, Sora! Who knows what's gonna happen to us?"

"I know exactly what they're gonna do," Sora replied. "I'm gonna get kicked out of HQ, and you're gonna have stricter rules for a while."

"You really think they'll banish you—?"

"Wait," said Yasue, staring them down from outside the van. "Put them in separate vans."

Sora sighed and exclaimed, "C'mon, we're not even thinking about escaping—"

"Seize her," Yasue commanded.

Kairi was seized against her will; she squeezed Sora's hand before departing. However, after drawing back her own hand, she looked down to see him making a ring with his thumb and index finger.

Scoffing, Kairi said through a smile, "You bitch."

 **-X-**

After a quick trip through an endless amount of parking garage scenery, the convoy of vans arrived at another section of headquarters. As the passengers exited each vehicle, they formed a mob of mostly-dressed-in-black individuals, save for Sora and Kairi.

They came face-to-face with another elevator; entering it, Sora said, "Up, we go."

"Silence until we get there," Yasue ordered.

"Stay quiet now, talk your ear off later? Sounds good to me."

Yasue merely growled behind his samurai mask.

 **-X-**

"The World of Capcom finds the actions of the accused Superstars heinous beyond a doubt…"

"Heinous," Sora mouthed at the distressed girl beside him. With an impressed smile for all to see, Sora nudged Kairi's arm a total of five times while he kept whispering the word "heinous" to her.

"Knock it off!" Kairi suddenly shrieked amid the game developers' admonishing.

With his shenanigans effectively ended, Sora crossed his arms and tried to take things more seriously. Of the audience of game developers surrounding Sora and Kairi, several individuals from Capcom's side exclaimed:

"He's not even taking this seriously!"

"That boy is a fire-starter!"

"Kill him and sell him for parts!"

The superintendent of the Square Enix High Council, the honorable Matsuda (also wearing expensive samurai armor) slammed his gavel before bellowing, "Order in the Chamber of Enix!"

 **-X-**

The proceedings from Sora's trial went south, to the say the least. He was exiled. Well, technically, self-exiled. Not even giving them the chance to throw him out, Sora stood up from his chair and simply walked out the door, giving Kairi a look that said, "Don't follow me, but see ya later." At first, Matsuda protested by calling the guards, but Yasue advised against that, seeing as how Sora had proved all day just how dangerous he could be. They allowed him to leave unbothered.

Still without a cellphone, Sora paced down a catwalk that led to a spacious helipad. Smirking up at the bright, daytime sky, he stood on the helipad's edge, watching a certain yellow object in the distance approach at a steady speed.

It was the Chocobo gummi ship, courtesy of the Gullwings. Watching their aircraft loom nearer and nearer until he could make out Yuna's face in the cockpit, Sora cheered, "All right, just in time!"

The flying Chocobo did a one-eighty to reveal its opened ass-latch, which held an eager Rikku betwixt its rectal threshold.

"Tell. Us. Everything!" Rikku begged, followed by 2B's round of questioning.

"What happened in there? Did they give you prison time? Are you still in Kingdom Hearts III? Where'd you get that shirt?"

Rubbing his sore temples, Sora coaxed, "Please, one thing at a time…"

"Where's Kairi?" Paine asked.

"Probably still getting sentenced."

"Geez, what's taking them so long?" Paine pondered out loud.

Sora shrugged. "She's got a lot more explaining to do, I guess." He changed the subject, "Hey, ya mind if I hitch a ride?"

Yuna appeared in the ass-latch, assuring, "Sure thing! Where to?"

"OvercrossFit University."

-X-

Vergil returned to his desk at OvercrossFit University, and he couldn't exactly call his day disappointing. At least not so far. He had basically destroyed the myth that Keyblade wielders were invincible. Skewering them both wasn't in his initial goals, but as Dante would say, "Icing on the cake."

His cubicle office housed random junk like stress toys, motivational posters, and pictures of him with his students. He sat down at his desk, a U-shaped flat surface with stacks upon stacks of papers. He still hadn't finished grading those tests.

Vergil let out a sigh. "Those poor fools. Oh, well. Keyblade Master or not…that was one hell of a show!"

That's when a fellow instructor by the name of Geese Howard passed by his cubicle, stopping by to chat, "So, I heard you killed that Keyblade kid and his girlfriend. Tell me something, did they scream like little piggies?"

"Will it make you feel better if I say yes?"

"Hell yeah!" said Geese, a tall blonde man in a purple suit and white vest.

Vergil raised his eyebrow. "I didn't know you knew about the Keyblade."

"Eh, it's a ridiculous weapon with an even more ridiculous story behind it. Apparently, it's stupid powers are passed down from one Keyblade wielder to the next through some sort of poetic ritual, or something. But get this, that kid you killed didn't even do the ritual to get his, at least that's what I heard."

Intrigued, Vergil asked, "Then how did he acquire his power to wield the Keyblade?"

"It chose him," said Geese. "Those damn Squeenixians are just making up their abilities as they go!"

"No kidding," said Vergil, unaffected by this tidbit. "Say, did you ever look into that report on Monster Hunter World opening a zoo?"

"Yeah, I did actually. Says it supposed to be up in a year. Why, ya thinkin' about takin' Aloy?"

"Hm…. We shall see."

 **-X-**

Meanwhile, Kairi found herself still in the hot seat long after Sora dipped. Apparently, the Square Enix higher ups were awaiting the arrival of a Capcom VIP. Matsuda had told her how important it was for her to speak with this particular person but did not give away his or her name, which made Kairi nervous. She was not trying to see the guy in the blue coat again.

Finally after what felt like hours, the chamber's doors opened to reveal a throng of Capcom guards transporting a containment box, a shed-sized glass structure with curtains enshrouding its mysterious interior. Kairi felt her heart drop.

Matsuda cleared his throat, telling the anxious princess, "As I stated before, the devs of Capcom have sent a very special individual to talk with you. I hope you're willing to listen."

"Sure thing," said an unsure Kairi.

That's when she noticed the red and white Umbrella insignia on the guards' uniforms. That reminded her of Chris Redfield, but no way he was in the box. And just as the guards withdrew the curtains, it dawned on Kairi that her nightmare still wasn't over.

"Stars…"


	15. Bandai Namco

**Chapter 15: Bandai Namco**

"Vergil, huh?" Sora read the name aloud.

He was standing in the Archives' section of OvercrossFit University, a campus dedicated to getting Videogame Superstars prepared for their respective videogame roles. There were gyms, restaurants, and many classrooms found at this university. However, the Archives offered a glimpse at some of the more famous superstars, giving details on their background and fighting prowess.

Standing right next to Sora, Rikku asked, "So, that's the guy who killed you?"

"If that's the way you want to put it," Sora replied. "I like to think he ended my kill-streak."

Yuna interjected, "So, what's your plan? You gonna get revenge, or something?"

"Hmph…" Sora looked up into the bookshelves on the second floor. "Not revenge. Just a rematch."

Rikku shoved Sora's shoulder playfully. She pried, "Aw, c'mon! Don't you wanna get revenge on him for stabbing Kairi, too?"

"Well, maybe…"

Paine interjected, "Speaking of 'stabbing Kairi,' what's the deal with you and her, anyway? You know, we thought it was really messed up how you Keyblade-stabbed her on camera, like, twice."

Sora admitted, "I didn't know the cameras were rolling, so…"

Rikku asked, "So, why'd ya do it?"

Sora breathed a sigh of relief, apparently glad to finally reveal the true motive for his ostensibly heinous act. "When Terra stabbed me with his Keyblade this morning, I thought I would die by the end of the day. And when I saw Kairi, I guess I didn't want to die alone. It was selfish, but I didn't care. In that moment, after I'd escaped the Realm of Darkness and finally laid eyes on her, I decided I wanted to be with her forever, even if that meant both of us dying."

Yuna stared briefly before saying, "You know, in your own desperate way, that's really sweet."

Paine, nodding her head, decided, "In fact, it's so sweet, I'm gonna Un-Namco you."

"Oh," Sora seemed complacent with that statement at first. Then, "Wait, _what?!_ You Namco'd me?!"

Paine retaliated, "Relax, I just said I un-Namco'd you, meaning I'm one less of the twenty-seven hundred people who _did_ Namco you."

"Like that's supposed to make me feel better?!" Sora fretted. "Why in the world would you Namco me?"

Paine stated plain and simple, "You stabbed a friend of mine, so I voted to have you killed by someone. What's wrong with that?"

"Ugh, don't tell me you guys Namco'd me, too!" Sora addressed Yuna and Rikku.

"No way!" Rikku exclaimed.

"Of course not!" said Yuna. "Although, we did urge Paine to do it just in case you'd gone off the deep end."

Sora scoffed. "Yeah, well that figures. I've been making a lot of poor choices lately."

"Well, good choice or bad," Yuna started, placing a hand on Sora's shoulder, "your explanation for why you harmed Kairi is actually kinda touching."

Rikku added, "We didn't know Terra stabbed you with his Keyblade. That explains why you've been acting like a freakin' psychopath all day."

"Yeah, that's one reason…" Sora muttered.

Yuna continued, "And I know Kairi—she'd wanna be with you forever, too."

Sora asked, "Really?"

"Really-really!" Rikku affirmed. "Even though you've definitely grown apart, Kairi still talks about you like you're irreplaceable."

Yuna added, "Just the other day at work, she was talking about the night she saw you with 2B, and, believe me, she was going off on you!"

Sora chuckled. Meanwhile, Rikku explained, "She was worried about where you met her, who she was, whether or not you used protection…. You did use protection, right?"

Sora defended himself, "Hey, gimme a break! I got date-raped, remember?"

While, Yuna, Rikku, And Paine muttered amongst themselves, 2B arrived on the scene, coming down a staircase; she was back from reading an archive about the small business known as Devil May Cry.

"Hey, guys…oh god, you were just talking about how I date-raped Sora, weren't you?"

"Yes," Sora answered flatly.

"Again, I'm really sorry I had to do that," 2B apologized profusely.

Sora shook his head. "It's all good, all things considered…"

"I was just trying to get stronger for my game, and your heroic seed definitely did the trick."

Yuna and Rikku giggled. Sora, on the other hand, was not amused. "Yeah, I get it, Too-Bee."

Rikku hypothesized, "Just imagine if it was the other way around. Sora would be getting his cheeks busted in prison about now!" Cue Sora's angry sigh.

"Thanks for that, Rikku."

* * *

 **-X-**

"Stars!" Nemesis roared from within his cage.

"Okay—WHAT is _he_ doing here?!" Kairi immediately questioned.

Matsuda replied, "The Capcom Boss has asked to have a chat with you two."'

Suddenly, a flat screen tv descended between Kairi and Nemesis, activating to reveal the forever-covered-in-shadow Capcom Boss. With a cold tone, the boss greeted her, "Hello, again, Kairi."

Recalling something, Kairi half-smiled and said, "Oh, uh…hi. Sorry about crashing into your business meeting."

"You are forgiven," said the boss. "However, there is something we need to clear up about our friend Nemesis, here."

"Stars…" uttered the bio-engineered monster.

The Capcom Boss continued, "According to Chris Redfield, you've had quite a day with Nemesis. It seems he's chased you throughout my world, hasn't he? But what you didn't know was that he was merely trying to be your friend."

Kairi called it, "Bull. Shit. This sonuva bitch has been trying to kill-slash-rape me all day."

"Actually, he was trying to return something of yours…"

The Capcom guards brought Nemesis closer to Kairi, who sank in her chair. Meanwhile, Nemesis started rummaging for something in his pocket.

"You see, you must've dropped this item upon entering my world."

Nemesis reached between the bars of his cage to deliver something to Kairi; after slowly opening his hand, he revealed to Kairi her fabled yellow flag—the one she uses when bad things are about to happen.

"Stars." Nemesis did his best to smile at Kairi, despite not having lips.

"You…you've been trying to return this to me?" Kairi couldn't believe it. "Then why the hell were you shooting rockets at me?"

"Stars!" Nemesis replied.

The Capcom Boss spoke for him, "According to Nemesis, when he fired his first rocket, he was merely trying to provide and escape route for you. Do you recall being accosted by two men named Magneto and Dr. Doom?"

"The purple and the green guy?" Kairi asked. "Sure, but they weren't trying to hurt me. In fact, I was trying to hurt _them_ …"

"And Nemesis saw you in distress dealing with those two Marvel villains, and he wanted you to escape from them, thus blowing a hole in my expensive city border."

Kairi wasn't convinced. "That doesn't explain the second and third rockets! Not only did he kill a guy reading a newspaper, he blew up my B'uber driver's car!"

The boss of Capcom explained, "About those rockets—he was trying to clear a path for you to run, thinking you were playing hide-n-seek. As for the hippo's car, he actually thought you were being kidnapped. In retrospect, he knows firing rockets at people is wrong, now, because he almost hurt you. Truly, Nemesis likes you. He thinks you're nice."

"Uh…" Kairi looked Nemesis in his lone eyeball. She asked, "You really think I'm nice?"

Nemesis nodded.

"And when he saw you with Dante, Morrigan, and Chris, he was obviously trying to rescue you from them—he doesn't get along with Morrigan, much. And definitely not Chris." The Capcom Boss chuckled. "And about your undergarments—"

"We don't need to talk about that," Kairi cut off.

* * *

 **-X-**

After Riku had gotten patched up, he tried hitting up Olette over Capchat's facetime call. Peevishly, he waited for her to answer, drumming his fingers on his dorm room's desk.

She didn't answer, so he heatedly typed out, _"Hmu when you're not busy. Cuz I gotta lot to say."_

Chucking a dart at his dart board, Riku irritably sighed, also scoring adjacent to the bullseye.

"Dammit!" he cursed, standing up from his desk. Swearing vengeance, Riku exclaimed, "It's about time I settled the score between Ansem and I. Oh, and I'm totally gonna kick Terra's ass, and if I got time, Xemnas's too! I…will…have… _my revenge!"_

Riku bailed out of his dorm room, slamming the door behind him. Sauntering at an aggressive speed, he surged past other Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy characters, all of whom were going apeshit over that day's handful of social media uproars.

"Oh, hai, Riku," said Cait Sith from Final Fantasy VII.

Riku, still bandaged up around the midsection, ignored the talking cat standing on his pet mog, then going out of his way to say, "Can't talk now! Avenging myself!"

"Just wanted to say yer a ripe ass-clown for lettin Terra and his Nort-bags merc ya like that!"

"Couldn't have said it better myself!" Riku fires back. "Please, by all means, continue critiquing my increasingly _shitty-assed day!"_

"My pleasure, you little poss-tard!"

Riku practically violated the elevator's down button. With little to no respect for the people already in the elevator, he barged in, smashing the button for the ground floor.

"Geez, Riku, you seem a little on edge," said Bartz from Final Fantasy V, currently hanging out with Lenna and Faris.

Riding down the elevator with them, Riku asked, "Oh, really? What gave that away? Is it the fact that I have a fucking lightsaber wound in my body?"

Faris checked out Riku's bandages. Then, she said, "I literally just peeped that."

So, then, Bartz said, "Guessing Terra and his goons did that to you."

"What other psychopaths would've done this to me?" Riku interrogated. "Seriously, those douchebags are as good as dead!"

"Whatever you say, Silver Surfer," Bartz dismissed, exiting to the ground floor, but not before Riku, who barreled out the elevator with the speed of a million salty pimps.

Speaking of pimps, King Mickey and the gang had finally returned from the Lakefront Resort, and for some reason, they gathered in the first floor of Destiny Dormitory.

Recognizing the king, Riku addressed him, "Hey, your Majesty! You seen Sora around?"

Raising an eyebrow, Mickey thought about it for a second before responding, "Nah, haven't seen him since this morning. None of us even knew where he or Aqua went until we saw him stabbing Kairi with his Keyblade in Capcom World. What's gotten into that kiddo, anyway?"

"Beats me, believe me," said Riku. Crossing his arms, he added, "He's been wiling out lately, must be puberty. Say, I was looking for him so we could team up and kick Terra, Ansem, and Xemnas's asses. Mind tagging along? I could really use strong teammates."

"Can't," said Mickey. "The Missus and I are taking a trip to Nintendo for a weeklong getaway, and I'm sure she doesn't want me scrapping with Ansem and Xemnas beforehand."

"Precisely," said Minnie. "We're doing photo shoots with some of the Super Smash Brothers, and if I see any nicks or scratches on his royal hide, I'm cancelling Kingdom Hearts III."

Riku leaned in close to Mickey, asking, "She can't really do that, can she?"

"Of course I can. I'm the queen," Minnie sounded definitive.

Deflating his facial expression, Mickey commented, "You know what they say, a happy wife makes a happy life."

"Sure thing," said Riku halfheartedly, eyes darting at the exit. "Well, good talking with ya, Your Majesty!"

"Try not to get killed," Mickey told Riku as the silver-haired teenager dashed out the door.

Also, Quasimodo yelled after him, "Yo, Riku! Heard you got your shit rocked by the Terra-Nort Gang!"

"Fuck you Quasi, that name is stupid as hell!" Riku yelled back, slamming the door.

Sprinting at full speed, Riku ran for the parking garage, crossing the courtyard and leaving Destiny Dormitory in the dust.

After reaching the correct floor of the parking garage, Riku zeroed in on his baby-blue version of the _Highwind_. He jumped in, fired up the engines, and took off for the sky.

After leaving the world's atmosphere, Riku dialed Sora's number.

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora gathered crucial information about Vergil, noting his weapons of choice, occupation as an instructor at the university, and even his theme music.

Walking outside in the campus's luxurious quad, an open park section adorned with ponds, wooden walkways, people selling crap, and decorative pillars, he stopped on the center of a curved bridge, gazing at the lily pads floating on the pond's surface.

Holding up his phone, Sora plugged up his earbuds, selected the song called "Divine Hate II," and hit play.

The lyrics started off low, fading in as the singer growled:

 _The rays of light, the truth of meaning_

 _To my father, the blood is pleading_

 _Now you really crossed the line_

 _You're hate for me is divine_

 _My love yearns your suffer_

 _On your grave I etch my prosper_

 _Taunt more as a lure but it's no use_

That's when his phone started ringing interrupting the devilish track. It was Riku.

Hitting answer, Sora said, "What up."

"Well, well, well! If it isn't the…uh…crap, I had something clever to say, but I forgot it!" Riku replied irritably.

"It happens," Sora forgave.

"All right, manly man—I know you've got just as much beef with Terra as I do, if not more. I say we—oh! I was gonna say, 'Well, well, well! If it isn't the donkey dick of the day!' …Fuck, not worth it. Anyway, I say we team up, go over to that Titty Beach Terra's hiding out at, and show him how we handle pompous player-haters—Destiny Islands Style!"

Sora shrugged. "Heh. I'm in."

Disgusted by Sora's lack of energy, Riku reprimanded, "That's it?! That's all you have to say?! Wait, of course that's your response! You just got done plowing Aqua's magic tits all day!"

Sora sighed. "It wasn't even like that, Riku. I've had no sex in the past twenty-four hours…well, I did kinda bust a nut with Aqua's help, but that's not the point. Look, I'll explain later—just meet me at OvercrossFit University and we'll hammer out the details."

"You're way over there at fucking _Overcross?_ Fuck that, it's in the other direction! Just meet me at New Zack Island!"

Conceding, Sora nodded and said, "Fine, sure thing. Don't start the fight without me."

Hanging up the phone, Sora had the feeling of being watched, so he looked over his shoulder to find 2B strolling on the same wooden bridge he stood waiting on. As soon as he hung up, his song had continued playing, so he paused it.

Beaming within her blindfold-like visor, she greeted him, "You look well."

The young Keyblade wielder returned her smile, saying, "I'm in a good place…right now, anyway. Where are the others?"

"The Gullwings are getting smoothies. Told 'em I'd come look for you."

"Are they ready to leave yet?" he asked.

"Yes…but you should know…you've been Namco'd…by over three thousand people."

"That many people want me to be taught a lesson, huh?" Sora asked.

2B nodded. "A lot of them are from Capcom, some from Square Enix, and even some from Disney. Trespassing in Capcom was one thing, but stabbing Princess Kairi on camera _really_ pissed off a lot of people."

Sora laughed. "Had I known the cameras were rolling, I probably would've ran it through her a few more times…"

2B's eyes widened behind her blindfold. "Is there something going on between the two of you?"

Sora gave a grunt, smirking as he said, "It's what isn't going on between us. There are rumors that Kingdom Hearts III will come out late 2018. I thought a couple years would be more than enough time to fix my relationship with Kairi, but lately I've been thinking it's not even worth it."

"What isn't worth it?" 2B asked.

More heatedly, Sora growled, "Everything. Kairi, defeating Xehanort, the success of Kingdom Hearts III—none of it matters. Square Enix…they've slowly stolen my happiness over the last fourteen years, and it's about time I took it back."

2B sauntered over to Sora's side, leaning on the bridge's railing right next to him. Delicately, she said, "The thing about warriors of light…they can't have their sunshine taken away from them. Not completely. Sure, Square Enix may have beaten you down, neglected you—"

"Forgotten about me, left me on the shelf, held me hostage, allowed me to self-destruct, made me sick of living—"

"Whatever the case," 2B went on, "a warrior of light never gives up hope for a better future. Not just for himself, but the for the people around him."

Sora couldn't help but be moved by 2B's words. They made him think of a quote from his first adventure, one such quote borne of his own understanding.

Repeating the quote, Sora said, "The heart may be weak, and it may even give in, but deep down, there's a light that never goes out."

2B lifted her blindfold, smiling sidelong at the boy. "That's the spirit! And who knows? Maybe it's all a test?"

Sora chuckled. "Maybe you're right, Too-Bee." He silently reflected to himself in the android's presence. There was a girl he thought he knew and another girl he just got to know. The first girl held precious memories of their childhood and upbringing. The second girl introduced the opportunity for brand new memories shared.

However, his feelings for the first girl had recently intensified, thanks to the events in Capcom World. But then again, he'd already been carnal with the second girl, and that type of physical connection had a strong hold on Sora…even if it was classified as date-rape.

But screw that, Sora woke up and wanted that ass.

"Uh, Sora?" 2B uttered.

Somehow, someway, Sora's hand had found itself rubbing on 2B's butt.

"Oh, sorry."

"Oh, no—you're fine."

* * *

 **-X-**

Aqua, glad to be both mobile and in clothes that fit (well, clothes period), decided to fly Sora's Gummi Ship back to Square Enix HQ. On the way there, she utilized Sora's ship to make a phone call.

"Hello?" said Ven.

Aqua responded, "Ven, it's me! If I came to pick you up, would you be willing to help me knock some sense into Terra?"

"Aqua? What the…are you still with Sora?"

"No, I'm just using his ship's phone."

"Right…so, are you two still…?"

"No, it never happened between us—look, do you wanna come slap Terra with me, or not?"

"Ah, hell yeah. Sure. That'll give you a chance to explain yourself, like why Sora had his hands all over your boobs while you were both buck-ass-nude."

"Agreed. I'll see you in a few."

* * *

 **-X-**

Kairi had finally been released from her bonds, freed from the menacing gaze of Capcom and Squeenix devs alike. Sora was right; stricter rules were made for her, ones that involved round-the-clock watch and check-ins with Squeenix authorities, to name two.

Unlike Sora, the first thing she did when cut loose was check her phone. After a quick skim of her Kupo+ account, she headed into Capchat and checked to see if anyone had sent her any Caps. She had twenty-five—wait, she just refreshed. Thirty-six.

Opening one from Olette, Kairi watched the short video of Olette addressing her concerns:

"Kairi! Please let me know you're okay! If you're still breathing after that stunt Sora pulled, you have _got_ to come meet me somewhere so we can have a serious discussion about the men in your life. Speaking of men, I hooked up with Riku again, and—"

Kairi ended the video and tapped another one, this time from Selphie:

"Kairi! Kairi! Kairi! You have got to call me whenever you get a chance. Please tell me you know what's got Sora acting like a total maniac. I mean, stabbing you with his Key-sword? The nerve of that douchebag! Also, Rude is officially a bad boyfriend for not stopping that. Sorry! Someone had to say it—"

Ending that clip, Kairi opened another one from Wonderland's very own Alice:

"Oh, me, oh, my, Kairi! I truly hope you are well! That was just so unlike the Sora I know, or knew."

The clip ended, prompting Kairi to open one more.

"Hey, sweetie. Look, I've been stabbed in the back by a man before, and I promise, it's not the end for you. Maybe this means you'll be in a spinoff…maybe? Anyway, Tifa's bar is always open if you wanna talk."

The clip ended with with Aerith smiling weakly and giving her phone a kiss.

Rolling her eyes, Kairi stated, "All those bitches just failed the Bechdel Test." Taking a deep breath, she migrated to her phone's home screen. "Okay, here we go. Let's check Bandai Namco."

Tapping the right icon, her phone delved into the app solely dedicated to publicizing bounties. She just had to know if people wanted Sora dead.

Bingo. Sora had been Namco'd by over three thousand three hundred people. And that number was still rising in real time.

"Oh, Sora…" Kairi was worried, despite being impaled twice by the boy, as her friends had made fairly clear. "Please…watch yourself."

She texted him those words exactly. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to Kairi, Sora's Gummi ship passed into Squeenix's atmosphere, darting straight for Ven's quarters in Destiny Dormitory.

* * *

 **-X-**

"Ven—hurry! I'm not supposed to be here!" Aqua shouted from the ship, which floated just outside Ven's third story window.

"Hold on!" Ven called back. "I'm refreshing my Namco app!"

"Your what?"

"It's a uh, fairly new app called Bandick Namcock, or something. I can't believe you haven't heard about it! It's the latest craze in bounty hunting!"

"Great…you wanna get in the ship?" Aqua was growing impatient.

"Hold on, it's almost done refreshing. Shit like this happens when there're a bunch of people submitting Namco points." Ven's eyes were glued to his phone.

" _Ven!"_ Aqua nagged. "Will you just get on the ship already?!"

"C'mon, the Wi-Fi's free here!"

"VEN!"

"Fine, I'll just use my data, which isn't unlimited I should add." Jumping from his window to the _Highwind's_ wing, Ventus hopped aboard, taking a seat behind Aqua as the ship flew skyward. Giddily, he asked, "So—where're we headed?"

"We're taking down Terra's ego, remember?" Aqua reminded.

Tapping his chin in thought, Ven gave his analysis, "Just the two of us? Yeah, that's a no-go. Isn't he posse'd up with Xemnas and Ansem?"

"Shit, I didn't even think about that," Aqua fully admitted. "Guess we'll need to even those odds. I know Sora wants to get even with Terra."

Ven's app finally refreshed, revealing a familiar face plastered on the top Namco pool. Surprised, he exclaimed, _"Oh,_ yeah…! Looks like Sora's been pretty busy today—well you know, besides gettin' busy with you."

"What are you talking about?" Aqua asked.

"It's his Namco level—it's currently at S-rank."

Steering the ship outside of Squeenix's atmosphere, Aqua requested some knowledge, like what the heck Ven meant when he said "Namco level."

"Hold on, what's a Namco level? And what does it have to do with Sora?"

"C'mon, you haven't heard of Namco levels? You been living under a rock—"

"More like in the Realm of Darkness. You know I don't do social medias."

"It's just 'social media.' You don't have to add the 's'—" Aqua did a barrel roll. "Whoa—easy! Okay, so when the first three hundred people Namco somebody, that person's Namco level is considered D-rank. It means that person's a low threat to society, so just about anyone with shoes on can do something about it."

Aqua asked, "'Do something' meaning what, exactly?"

"Meaning…it's a bounty hunt. Anybody can participate, and depending on the threat level, you might see some _strong_ S.O.B.s going after the Namco pool."

"Heh," Aqua chirped. Then, she remembered something. "Wait, you said Sora was at S-rank? What's…what's that, like…a high rank, or something?"

Ven leaned against Aqua's chair, delivering the bad news in a sultry tone, _"Ding-ding, it's the highest rank!"_

"Oh _shit…._ Does that mean—?"

"Yeah, Sora's screwed, royally," Ven cut off. "When you start getting into those high ranks, you'll notice more dangerous bounty hunters get involved with your Namco pool. I'm guessing some nasty dudes are sharpening their tools about now—just itching to collect Sora's blood for blood money. Mad world, eh?"

Visibly fretting over her friend-slash-skinny-dipping-partner, Aqua said, "Oh, god—we have to get Sora to safety. What's Sora's phone number?"

Ven thought for a second before replying, "Pretty sure it's in his contacts list."

"He keeps his own number in his contacts?"

"You say that like it's fuckin' stupid or something. Just check."

"Hm…wow, there it is. Isn't that weird though?"

Condescendingly, Ven pointed out, "OR maybe it's just him thinking ahead. For situations like these. Where, um…so, did you steal this ship from him?"

* * *

 **-X-**

Sora admitted, "I could really use my own ship right now."

Rikku sassed, "Suck it up, you're stuck with us."

Yuna, Paine, Rikku, 2B, and Sora were all riding aboard the Gummi Chocobo sailing through the skies of OvercrossFit University. Where they were headed…well, they were trying to get Sora off the hook from this whole thirty-five hundred Namcoes thing. Turns out, if a Namco'd person turns himself in at the Bandai Namco station (located in downtown Overcross), they could pay off the Namco pool and cancel the bounty.

Just then, Sora received another phone call, this time from his ship. He guessed it was Aqua.

"Hey," he answered.

"Sora, I didn't know how bad it was for you. Tell me something—did Terra do this?"

"Hm? Oh, you mean the Namco pool? Yeah, that one was definitely on me. Turns out, if you stab a particularly popular princess on camera, people are gonna start hating you."

Stunned, Aqua stammered, "You—?! Did you—?! You're telling me you stabbed a princess?! Who?"

"Well, uh—"

"Oh, god—was it Kairi?"

"Wow, that was really good—"

"Why would you stab Princess Kairi? Just because she's dating someone else does _not_ give you the right to harm her. God, you're more psychotic than Terra!"

"'Kay, well, uh, newsflash! She's okay! I didn't think I'd be alive by the end of this day, so I figured I'd take at least one person I care about with me. Psychotic? Yes. Thoughtful? Maybe. Crazy…? Definitely yes, but you should've heard Kairi's response to what I did—she actually appreciated it! Like, big time!"

There was a brief lull of silence. This gave Sora an opportunity to observe his words. There wasn't any doubt in his head about why he did what he did. Since Terra's attack didn't immediately kill him, he thought maybe a similar attack on Kairi would keep her alive just long enough to figure out what was going to happen to him. Would he have eventually died from the loss of light that had bled from his body? Or was the Keyblade scar all show and no consequence? Regardless, the wounds produced by that day's Keyblade stabbings saved both him and Kairi from being skewered to death by that half-demon, Vergil.

Finally, Aqua spoke up, "Look…all of this is a bit more than I can handle right now. All I know is that I want to make sure you're safe, Sora. Ven just filled me in on how the Namco Bandai thing works—"

"That's Bandai Namco," Ven's voice corrected. "Hey, Sora!"

"Hey, Ven," Sora replied cheerily.

"In any case—"

Ventus once again cut off Aqua, "In other words, Bandicks Namcocks!"

Aqua growled, "Are you done?"

"Yeah, I'll stop."

"In any case, I'm coming to get you, Sora. Not just to protect you, but because we have unfinished business with Terra."

Perking up, Sora said, "That's great! Riku's already on the way to New Zack Island. He's apparently pissed at Terra, too."

"Good, we could use the added strength," Aqua remarked.

"And I could use a ride over there. Once I get done dealing with this whole Namco thing, just meet me in the quad. I'll be with Too-Bee and the Gullwings."

"Okay, but be careful. Ven was just telling me how dangerous it is to be at an S-rank Namco level."

"Sure thing. See you soon."

Sora attempted to hang up, but it appeared his device's screen was frozen.

"The heck?"

"What?" Aqua asked.

"My phone's frozen. I can't do anything!"

Paine asked, "You got Sprint, don't you?"

Yuna stated, "We're getting close to the B.N. station. And it looks like there're a bunch of people waiting for you Sora."

2B got a closer look through the windshield. Indeed, down below, there were massive crowds gathered in front, behind, and even on top of the building.

Sighing, Sora lamented, "Those jerks are really gonna try to stop me from turning myself in?"

Yuna pointed out, "They've got all the entrances blocked off! This has got to be illegal! Or at least a fire hazard!"

"Just keep flying past it," Sora instructed. "I don't want you ladies getting mixed up in this."

"We can fight, too, Sora," Rikku stated sternly.

"Yeah, but this is my mess. Just take me to the wasteland beyond the campus."

"Is that the new meeting spot?" Aqua asked, still on the phone.

"Yeah," Sora answered. Addressing Yuna, he instructed her, "Take me to the wasteland and get outta here. I'll deal with this Namco thing later."

Yuna, looking worried, requested, "Sora, please rethink this! If anyone recognizes you out there, it's game over!"

"Yeah! Squeenix probly won't even revive you if you die here!" Rikku added. "You've got to think carefully about this."

Just then, 2B volunteered, "Then I'll go with him."

Shaking his head, Sora started, "Too-Bee—"

"Don't even try to stop me," she interrupted. "I have a duty to protect mankind, and…what can I say? Sora, you're the kindest man I know—"

"You mean boy," Paine inserted.

"—and I don't wanna see you killed, today. Not a second time. And you might not think so, but I believe I still owe you for my firmware update. You know, when I date-raped you—"

"Thanks, Too-Bee—whatever, just come with me at your own risk." Sora nodded in agreement.

Smiling, 2B replied, "Then it's settled."

* * *

 **-X-**

Glad to be away from the university, Sora departed from the Gummi Chocobo with 2B close behind. Waving off the Gullwings, they bid their farewells and stood amidst the barren wasteland just a few miles east of OvercrossFit University. It was a rocky, mountainous land with many tall spires jutting from the earth. The Gullwings had selected a reasonably flat stretch of land to drop them off in, now flying back to Square Enix Headquarters at record speed.

There seemed to be no one else around for miles, something Sora was thankful for. Meanwhile, 2B walked up to Sora and asked, "What now?"

"Now we wait," he replied. "It shouldn't be much longer for Aqua and Ven to get here."

"Yeah, we're about ten minutes away," said Aqua, still on the phone.

"Seriously, what is up with this thing?" Sora questioned. For all he knew, his phone had a virus.

"Just stay on the phone," said Aqua. "It'll be a lot easier to find you this way."

Then, Ven's voice came through, saying, "Heeeey, this gives us time to iron out the details of how you and Aqua hooked up!"

Irritably, Sora asked, "Do we have to talk about that?"

"Yes." Ven was resolute.

Aqua put in her two cents, "Not much to talk about."

"What's that mean?" asked a mildly offended Sora.

"What? We got drunk, went skinny dipping, and failed to fuck each other on three different occasions."

"So you were counting," Sora noted.

"Yep," said Aqua. "Once in the pool, once in the bedroom, and once in the shower."

"Whoa," Ven said, hungry for more details. "What happened, Sora? Did you have performance anxiety?"

2B giggled to herself. Meanwhile, Sora redacted those implications, "No way! Well, first we almost got caught in the pool, so we decided to sneak into the bedroom, but by that time I was so drunk I didn't know which way was up or down. Then, in the shower—it's funny—we'd accidentally super-glued our junk together, and just trying to break free caused me to come all over Aqua's back—"

"Oh, god," Aqua muttered.

"And by that time, it would've taken me all morning to get it up again." Sora always loved being honest. "Anyway, Ven, how was your day?"

"Dude— _fuck my day!_ That shit's an epic story, even you two failed to fuck even once!"

"It's not that epic," Aqua muttered.

Sora admitted, "Honestly, I was gonna try to fuck in the shower after Aqua seduced me, but that was when Terra and his two buddies decided to send us to the Realm of Darkness. Took us, like, three hours to escape that place."

A little excited by Sora's narration, 2B asked, "Wait, so did you have any time to get dressed?"

"Not at first, no. Those jerks let us fall into darkness while we were cold, wet, and buck-naked."

Rubbing his arm, 2B sympathized, "You poor thing."

Annoyed, Aqua asked, "Well, aren't ya gonna tell them about how you found clothes but I _didn't?"_

Shrugging, Sora recalled, "Oh, yeah. The bad guys kept awarding me pieces of my outfit every time they tried to kill me. Also, when I found Aqua, I had to let her borrow my red jumpsuit from Kingdom Hearts One. She didn't fit it."

"Sweet," Ven approved.

"Not sweet!" Aqua admonished. "Of all people, Hades was the one to fully clothe me! And that was after you literally left me hanging on top of some roof."

Defensively, Sora stated, "Relax! I lent you my ship, didn't I?"

"That's not the point! You've been acting like a loose cannon all day. This just isn't like you, Sora."

"Um…would it help if I had sex with you?"

Aqua scoffed. "See? That right there is why you need counseling."

Ven pondered out loud, "Maybe Sora's on to something!"

"Shut up, Ven," Aqua commanded.

2B commented, "You seem stressed, Aqua. When humans have intercourse, their levels of stress become minimal at best. Perhaps I can be of service?"

Ven exclaimed, "Oh, that's so hot—!"

"Yeah, that is pretty wild," Sora said with a smile. "But seriously, cool your jets, Too-Bee."

"What?" 2B was astounded by their logic. "No, I meant that I could maybe help Aqua find a suitable mate to copulate with! Gosh, I don't know even know what Aqua looks like!"

Ven informed her over the phone, "She's like a nine most of the time. I wouldn't know if she's a perfect ten. Never seen her naked before. But Sora has. How would you rate Aqua, Sora?"

Thinking about it for a long moment, Sora started, "Well—"

"I swear to god, Sora!" Aqua more-or-less threatened.

"What? I was gonna say you're a ten."

"…Really?"

"No doubt about it!"

Ven added. "If Aqua's a ten, then Kairi's definitely gotta be an eight."

Triggered, Sora exclaimed, "What the hell, Ven?! That's my love-interest you're talking about! Don't you have a filter?"

"What—I'm just being honest. Kairi's body is bangin', but not like Aqua's."

"Aw," Aqua cooed with a smile.

"You crossed the line, Ven!" Sora declared. "This is why you don't have a girlfriend."

"Oh, you're saying I should be getting date-raped like you?" Ven's comeback was especially derisive.

"Screw you, Ven! Action is still action."

"Aqua's right. You do need to see a counselor—"

"That's enough!" 2B killed the argument. "We need to focus on any potential threats against Sora's life. And FYI, grading a woman by her looks on a numerical scale is both insulting and unbecoming of warriors of light."

"Thank you," said Aqua.

"Sorry, Aqua," Sora apologized.

"Yeah, my bad," added Ven.

"Ugh," Aqua scoffed. "Just hang tight 'til we get there."

Another five minutes later, and Sora and 2B spotted a red vessel descending from the heavens.

"There they are!" Sora exclaimed.

"Shit," said 2B. "And I think we've got company."

Indeed, there was an automobile speeding from the campus's direction, leaving trails of dust behind it. Sora dismissed the appearance, surmising, "They're probably just tourists. No one knows we're here."

Just then, the _Highwind_ touched down next to Sora, opening it's bubble helm to reveal a concerned Aqua and Ven.

Noticing the vehicle, too, Aqua questioned, "Who d'ya think that is?"

"Pretty sure it's no one special," Sora answered with his eyes glued to the incoming vehicle.

Ven seconded, "Yeah, if that was someone coming after your Namco pool, there'd be a lot more than one car."

"Whoever that is," Aqua started, "we have to get out of here."

"Right!" Taking 2B by the hand, Sora leapt up to the Gummi ship's wing, then hearing loud bangs resonate from the incoming vehicle, a sizable van. Seeing bullet holes form in the _Highwind's_ hull, Sora yelped, "Aqua! Get down!"

" _Ah!"_ the Keyblade Master screamed, ducking down since the Gummi ship was _still_ without a bubble helm.

From the incoming hostile van's passenger side, an outstretched arm held a smoking gun, belonging to a familiar white-haired man. Sora didn't recognize him as Dante or Vergil, but he knew he'd seen him before. As the van circled around to the back of their Gummi ship, more gunfire rained from the passenger window, this time targeting the ship's engine thrusters. As smoke plumed from the ensuing damage, Aqua panicked, "They're disabling our ship!"

Sora replied, "We have to fight!"

As he said those words, he noticed a neon logo on the side of the van, a logo containing a three-worded title he'd just studied at the Archives. In blue, neon, cursive letters, the logo read:

" _Devil May Cry"_


End file.
